Alex

You know that expression, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? Yeah, how about fool me five times? I'm just a sorry little girl who doesn't learn from their mistakes. I suppose you want me to tell you what those mistakes were. Mind you, like any other regular human, I've made so many more mistakes within my short lifespan. Actually, I think I've made more than usual. We're getting off topic here. I suppose I should just get into the story.

Alex. I suppose you probably know at least one person called Alex huh? Such a popular name, yet none of the ones I know have it as their real name. It's always something else, like Alexander, or Alessandro or Alexia. Never just Alex. Over the years, I have come to know at least a couple dozen. But we're not going to talk about all of them.

There's been an Alex in almost every phase of my short life. The first was introduced to me in kindergarten, and was my first crush. Not sure why, though I think it had to do with the fact that I had no real friends. No, friendly people don't count. Through my whole life, I've always had absolutely no idea how to do social interaction. No matter how socially awkward you are, you've probably had at least one time where you did something without having to think too hard on it. Nope. Not this girl. So, I was loud, annoying, and probably came off a bit desperate. Yeah. I do not miss that version of myself. He didn't like it either, always glaring and telling me to go away. At the end of second grade, I had to move, and of course I didn't want to. I may have had no friends, but my family all lived nearby, and this was what I had grown up with. But there is little you can do so young with no real reason. And so, I said my goodbyes to anyone I thought might miss me, and left.

Here's where we enter the next phase in my life. Children are so innocent, they build friendships over the smallest things. My first friend came from me having sweets in my lunch everyday. I should have known it wouldn't have lasted long. I really never had anything in common with her, never really hung out. In the middle of fourth grade, she drifted away and just stopped talking to me. My table is made up of two groups, a popular girl and her friends on one half, and me on the other. A month later, another girl joined my side of the table. Her name was Alexandra, most called her Alex. I don't remember how we became friends. I suppose we just got tired of being alone. I started calling her Allie, I guess I was already tired of the name Alex. I thought it would last, because we laughed with each other and stuck together. I was wrong. Why did this short joy-filled friendship end, you might ask? Well, I'll tell you. We were young, and stupid. I told her how fast I could read, and she didn't believe it, telling me she didn't want to be friends with a liar. The next day, she wasn't sitting at the table anymore. I was left, again, friendless and alone, with the reminders of what I had lost staring back at me everyday.

A year later, I had become friends with another Alex in my sports club. This time his full name was Alejandro. Every time I came there, we'd talk to each other. He was a huge nerd, and even though I might not have understood everything he said, I liked him and hoped he wouldn't leave me like the others. As soon as I was starting to get comfortable, however, he switched sports, and drifted away from me even though we'd see each other often. It was like our friendship never even happened.

A few months into seventh grade, I met Alessandro. Like all my friendships, it was started by one of us getting bored and deciding to talk to a random person near us. This time perhaps I had learned just a little and I told myself not to get comfortable until I truly see what a person is like. After quite a few months, I thought I knew him. I thought he knew me. I gave him a gift I worked on for so long to make, and I might have even gotten another crush. However, one day while we were walking home, he just kissed me out of the blue. After me telling him I wasn't ready for a relationship, later conversations revealed that we did not know each other as well as I thought. He actually had a history of just kissing random girls he thought were even somewhat decent-looking, without consent, without feelings. And doing what I had done, telling them he was not ready for a relationship, except he was the one who had initiated the kiss. Welcome, even more trust issues than I already had.

A year and a half later, we're stuck in quarantine. My sports club opened up again, though, and they're hosting a summer camp. There's around fifteen people, and there is a lot more small children than I remember. Honestly, the only thing we look forward to is lunch and the time for games like handball and dodgeball. Because we used to have it everyday during normal days, but now they don't let us have fun anymore. Hey, at least this time with social distancing no one will steal my food. You know, I compete mainly with the older kids. All the older kids have graduated except for one. Guess what his name is? That's right, Alex. Except this time that's his real name. After talking to him- yes, from social distancing- and finding my judgement skills to be better than last time, I decided to consider him a friend. This time he really knew who I was, and I knew who he was. He accepted me in all my hyper, crazy, music-obsessed self. Now, it was then I started to panic, for this time- I had fallen in love. I had fallen in love with his warm chocolate eyes, dark floppy curls and his lazy, gentle smile. Not a little crush, not a simple passing friend. I had fallen in love and I didn't even know his last name. Now, I knew it was probably impossible for him to love me back. I was perfectly fine with that, I just wanted to be able to hang out with him. However, there was one gigantic problem. He's four years older than me, ladies and gents. He's going to graduate this year, and I don't have a phone because my parents found it unnecessary. Him leaving tore me apart. But life's not fair. I had to move on.

One day, as I was helping people at the front desk, I noticed a client that looked familiar. I realized that they were one of the few regulars I still hadn't spoken to. Wanting to maintain a stable relationship with all our clients, I walked over and started to introduce myself. Something clicked in me when I heard him say his name, and suddenly, it all came rushing back. Hurriedly I questioned him, and perhaps he had recognized me too as he suddenly smiled, and I felt my heart stop once more. Still the same, lazy, gentle smile that I had always wanted to stay in my life for once. But I stopped myself. Did I want to get hurt again?

The next thing I knew, we had already exchanged numbers and had to move about with our days. As I laid in bed that night, I thought, why did I keep wanting to rush straight back to this after all that had brought me was pain? It was then that I realized. I didn't go back for the pain. I went back because it just made me so very happy, to be with someone who liked me... Perhaps... it was finally okay to love again?