The Midasion Monthly Meeting

Take a minute to imagine your life if you had the Midas touch… think it would be great? Think again. Very few have managed to make life with this rare co dition work. Midasians, for the most part, struggle to fit in.

Freaks.

Sorcerers.

Criminals… 

Finally got a job? That was the keyboard you just turned into yoghurt!

And be careful with your new boyfriend. You don’t want to go to prison for turning him into orange peel, do you?

“These monthly meetings are vital for us Midasians to come together for support and and solidarity!” The dim lighting of the small, underground room suggested secrecy. The meeting’s host, Peter Dandelion addressed the six Midasions sat in the circle on plastic chairs. Well, one attendee was standing. Timothy door-knob’s condition doesn't stem from his fingers as it does for most with the Midas touch…

“Katy Cucumber is of course on her big space project so she’ll be joining us later by video link.” Peter was doing his best to inject enthusiasm into the circle. But given the month they’d had ontop of their usual woes, he understood the deflated atmosphere.

“It’s great to see you all! How have we all been?” The question was directed at the circle as a whole with his arms open wide. Peter’s left hand was heavily gloved in an attempt to try keep his power under control but since he could not afford the specialized polymer gloves, he still had to be careful.

The circle responded with sighs and grunts and various mutterings of discontent.

“Nathan stale-bread,” Peter said enthusiastically, “why don’t you start? How has your month been?”

“Just awful.” Nathan sat, his head and eyes down, bearing his bald spot between his brown, thinning hair for the rest of the circle to see. “I’ve been fired from three jobs and I turned…” Nathan took a breath and it wasn’t sure if he would start crying or not. “Walnut… into stale bread.” He managed to hold it together, despite his lip quivering over the demise of his floppy-eared-rabbit-now-stale-bread-rabbit. 

“I’m only good for the circus!” Nathan, finally balling his eyes out.

“Nonsense Nathan, you don’t mean that…” Timothy Door-knob spoke soflty, “Didn’t you turn the lion tamer into stale bread and-”

“SHUT UP!” Nathan wailed.

“Timothy!” Peter interrupted. “Don’t be so mean!”

This dig at Nathan who was already sad was particularly unkind by Timothy. But could you be kind, if everything that touched your behind turned into doorknobs? 

“Now apologise to Nathan.” 

“I’m sorry Nathan.”

“Good. Now, how is life at the door-knob factory?” Peter asked.

“You try sitting on pebbles all day.. Up, down, up down.. Oh my poor cheeks! my job causes me such pain! oh how they hurt! And they don’t care. They just take the door knobs away and bring more pebbles. My ass is as a raw as..”

“Oh it’s Katy Cucumber from the ISS!” Peter exclaimed.

Those in the circle looked at the wall where the computer screen was being projected and away from the ranting Timothy. A forehead surrounded by a mass of tubes, cables and various boxes appeared.

“Hi everyone!” Katie exclaimed. “Do you hear me OK?”

“Hi Katie! Yes but we only see your forehead.” Peter cried back. “How’s life in space?!”

“Oh it’s good! The launch was stressful but seeing Earth from up here… oh my, it’s wonderful!”

The jealousy could be felt around the room. “The job’s a bit repetitive… I’m brought bits of rock and space debris for me to cucumberize! But the astronauts are grateful for their limitless supply of cucumbers for their missions.”

“So are you allowed out for space walks and things?” Peter 

“Absolutely not. They don’t trust me… I don’t know why not, I’m totally trust… hang on. Let me just fix this camera angle…-”

All of a sudden, the feed was cut and the projection went blank.

“Ah.” Peter spoke first. “I think NASA have another cucumber instead of a camera… that’s not contract-ending, is it?”

The circle waited. Perhaps she could find a spare camera, not turn it into a cucumber and resume the call? When Katy Cucumber didn’t reappear after a while Peter moved proceedings onto Leah Pinecone.

“I hear you and Stewart Expired-mussells moved in together!”

“Well yes,” Leah began. “He moved in with me and Mrs. Libbers two weeks ago…”

“Oh fantastic!” Peter exclaimed!

“But he… he killed her!”Leah roared across the circle towards her boyfriend and the transformer of her beloved cat.

“I was SLEEPING!” Stewart was clearly having none of it. “She turned HERSELF into mussells!” 

The two were out of their chairs, in each others’ faces.

Why could none of Peter’s meetings go peacefully?

“I took my glove off just to SLEEP! Do you know-”

“YOU KILLED HER!-”

“STOP!” Peter and Timothy and Nathan cried in unison.

The pair sat down.

“And.” Leah continued, with her arms crossed, but slightly calmer. “Our house has been non stop pelted by cabbages.”

“Mine too!” Nathan said.

“And mine.” Timothy too.

“All of us then?” Peter said, looking round to nods. “It is as I feared. This is linked to the cabbage killer, the country’s first Midasion serial killer…”

Police had been arriving to crime scenes to find innocent victims turned into cabbages in their own homes, or on the streets. The killer is still at large…

“But he has nothing to do with us! I’ve never even met him, or her…”

“But people will believe whatever the media says. And they’re saying that the Midasion community is helping them hide from the authorities…”

“Then we must speak to the media, tell them it’s nothing to do with us!”

“I’m afraid it’s too late for that. And the only Midasion with influence doesn’t seem to care for the matter.”

“Jimmy the Cheese…”

“He will be able to make the media to paint us in an innocent light-”

“He doesn’t care for the likes of us! He’s so rich and powerful with his cheese money…”

It was true. Jimmy the Cheese was one of the richest people in the world. Turning rocks and boulders into dense, delicious, hard cheeses was an easy way to make a fortune...

In addition to this, he could afford the most technologically advanced polymer-infused glove so he wasn’t prone to any of the mishaps the regular Midasions were.

“Then what can we do?” Peter, despite the challenging circumstances, was enjoying the rare moment of the circle thinking as one, trying to come up with a solution. It was a welcome break form the arguing. But then…

“I’ve got it!” Leah Pinecone exclaimed. “We help find the cabbage killer!”

“OOH!” All the members had joined Timothy door-knob on their feet now.

“We’ll find him, put him in jail…” Nathan stale-bread was saying…

“Then the detectives will prove that we were nothing to do with him!” Stewart Expired-mussells exclaimed.

“We’ll be like Sherlock Holmes, just a team!”

“Yeah!”

“Either we find him, or we don’t…” Peter was thinking aloud, “Both will prove us innocent!”

“Let’s get our detctive hats on!”

“Ok! Who’s in?” Peter, excited for the first time in months, thrust his right hand into the circle gesturing the beginning of the typical team hands in, then up and cheer move.

Seeing Peter’s hand in the middle of the circle, the Midasions thought of the excitement of tackling this challenge together, as a team. Perhaps achieving something in their life?

“Yeah!”

They

All

Put

Their

Hands

In

The

Middle...

...

...

BAM.

A flash of energy in the air.

Then a loud drilling sound as a mass of stale bread and pinecones hit the floor and rattled around.

The stench of gone off mussells…

And silence.

...

“Hello, guys hello?” A voice from the projecter and Lucy Cucumber's face flickered back on from the ISS. "I’ve found another camera! I hope nobody finds out about the other one. Can’t be too careful these days…” Katy Cucumber’s voice trailed off as she took in the scene from the other side of the video call.

“Guys? Oh my god… NOOOOO!!!”