Burning for Love

`Hello, you’ve come through to Angelic Guidance, Crystal speaking.  Do you have a question today?`

`The usual` Kim replied a little tersely, thinking that after five years of quarterly readings, she would hope that Crystal had enough psychic ability to warrant this question unnecessary. 

`And that is?` Crystal prompted, making Kim wonder if perhaps it was time to switch psychics. 

`Love` she replied despondently, the word sounding more like a heavy sigh. 

A moment of almost silence followed, only the slight rustling of cards being shuffled on the other end, assured her that Crystal hadn’t disappeared on a tea break. 

`Well you have attracted an Archangel Chamuel card, so love is definitely coming your way!` Crystal finally spoke, her words doing little to combat Kim’s growing frustration. 

`Any idea when?` Kim asked, trying not to sound desperate, whilst silently praying that just for once the dates of previous readings, matched with the dates of her current reading. 

`Autumn` Crystal replied, with a flippancy that jarred Kim’s senses

`But it’s the end of January!` Kim cried aghast, as a tsunami of emotions crashed over her, washing away her last remnants of hope and composure. 

`I know it seems a long way off...` Crystal launched into a time honoured explanation.

`No time’s not the issue` Kim interrupted sharply `Or at least not in the way you think I mean. It’s just that the goalpost keeps moving, you assured me last reading that I would meet him this spring. I rang today in the hope that you would give me more with regards to my Spring meeting, not that you’d tell me it had been delayed yet again.`

`Well the future is not set in stone` Crystal quipped, in a tone that had Kim wondering if she was even talking to a human being and not some automated app. Before she could voice this, Crystal plunged on with the rest of her obviously well rehearsed spill, `Perhaps you have more self-work to complete before the angels can allow for your heart pathways to align, perhaps...`

`Really!` Kim cut her off again, her own voice rising in octave as if to demonstrate that she was very much a living breathing ,infuriated, human being. 

`You’re really going to give me the whole love yourself spill?` Kim finished, half laughing, half crying and definitely feeling the urge to punch someone. Without waiting for Crystal to respond she terminated the call, and sat staring at her phone, as if suddenly unaware of how it ended up in her hand. 

Five years had passed since her last disastrous yet short relationship. Five long years spent looking for reasons why she hadn’t been good enough. Five years of studying every self help book she could lay her hands upon. Five years of trying to unleash her inner monkey, and trying to tame her inner monkey. Five years of travelling back to the ancestors, only to discover she should be letting go of the past, and living in the moment. Five years of forgetting the moment, of studying books on the power of attraction and focusing on the future. Five years of cutting out images, and copying inspirational quotes to cobble together yet another Vision board. Hell she’d even paid some quack to show her how to do it, and had been left feeling like a five year old, with her sheet of paper, pile of magazines and glue stick. Five years, of going without to ensure she kept up her online credit with Psychic Guidance, so as to be able to afford her quarterly readings, although often she broke her own rules (at least once a month)  and slipped in a little unscheduled reading with new readers coming on board, just in case Crystal had passed her sell by date. And as for Cosmic Orders, she had a pile of them, each one more concise, more specific than the last, and still no delivery. 

Five years of skimping and scrapping at the checkout, and of buying second hand clothes to assure she had enough funds to cover the retreats, of which there had been many. Starting with the mundane Yoga class and gradually upgrading to Reiki, ‘Meet the ancestors’, ‘Stroke the inner wolf’, ‘Browse Akashic records’, ‘Soul Alignment’, and ‘Unleash your inner goddess’.  Before finally arriving at `Become an Ayurveda Gourmet`, and she still didn’t have a clue what her dominant dosha was, or how it would help in her pursuit for love. After all of that, the only man she could honestly say she’d attracted into her life, was her account manager at her local building society. Who had called her annually for her financial M.O.T and shook his head in despair, as he delivered a cautionary spill on the pitfalls of her rapidly inflating credit.

Walking over to the mirror Kim objectively studied her reflection. Okay, not quite cover of Vogue, but not overly lacking in the attraction department either. Her strange retreat diets, yoga, not to mention, skimping on groceries, kept her lean, toned yet still curved in all the right places. Her smile was pleasant, and it had been said, more than once that her soft brown eyes with flecks of amber were stunning. Yet, here she stood, pushing thirty, attractive, witty, intelligent, and very much single. There was a time, shortly after her last break up when she had tried to focus on the joy of being single, that had lasted exactly one week, before being binned as a totally ridiculous concept imagined up by some bitter spinster drowning in her own denial. 

Spinster. Was that even still a word, in this age of liberated womanhood. For a moment she wondered if she’d been asking the wrong question all these years, and thought about calling Crystal back, to ask if Spinsterhood was her destiny. Her anger at Crystal had abated, after all she was simply the messenger, and as one was told ‘never shoot the messenger.’ Stepping back slightly she studied continued to study her reflection only this time squinting her eyes, and focusing on the space around her body as she tried to glimpse her aura. Perhaps it had nothing to do with her physical energy at all, and was Chakra based. Feeling like she’d stumbled onto something, she turned away from the mirror, her eyes settling on her bookshelf, with its shelves bowing under the weight of self-help tomes.

An hour later, sitting on the floor surrounded by a pile of books, she let out an almost feral cry of despair. The urge to call Crystal had passed, and in its place was the urge to open the bottle of wine waiting in her fridge and unwrap the bar of chocolate she’d hidden for emergency at the back of the freezer. 

`At three in the afternoon?` she queried `Really, has it come to that` she replied appalled at herself as she scrambled to her feet. 

Two hours later. Why was the last drop always so determined to stay in the bottle, she wondered as she drained the last millilitres of the second bottle into her glass. With the answer alluding her, she shrugged and popped the last piece of chocolate, now fully de thawed into her mouth. So much for frozen chocolate being harder to consume, hence resulting in eating less! With her physical needs taken care of, her mind drifted back to Crystal, and the question she’d wanted to ask about Spinsterhood, only to remember her credit card was maxed out, and she’d wasted the last of her online credit by ending her call prematurely. She thought about contacting customer service,  and explaining there’d been an emergency, that her non-existent cat had fallen dead at her feet, only to recall previous conversations that ended with them saying how sorry they were, (not really) but refunds were not permitted under any circumstance. 

With seemingly more alcohol than blood sloshing around her veins, she rose shakily to her feet, where she stood swaying unsteadily in an alcohol infused fog, looking down at the pile of discarded books. Their bright colours, and even brighter positive titles felt to be mocking her. `Love and the world loves with you` caught her eye, what did that even mean? `Cleanse Toxic Love from your life` any kind of love would do her right now she thought, feeling that the toxic she could deal with later as everyone had to start somewhere. The fog was starting to seep into her senses, filling her with a cold unintelligent rage. Almost trance like, she began to gather up the books, believing that she was about to rearrange them by size back on the shelves, but instead finding herself standing in her garden. 

`What am I doing?` She challenged as she threw a second pile onto the first. 

`I have always despised people who don’t respect books.` she acknowledged as she carefully poured BBQ lighter fuel over the last layer, bending down to ensure it ran between the layers, not wishing to leave a single page un-burnt!

`What kind of a monster, am I?` she questioned, even as she felt the satisfaction of dropping the match into the centre of the pyre. 

`I’m a book burner!` she replied aloud in a voice that sounded distant to her ears, her eyes relishing the sight of the flames devouring those overly bright, mocking covers. 

As the flames intensified, and smoke grew denser, her heart beat rapidly, thump thump.

Bang, Bang.

No that wasn’t her heart, that was her street door, she reasoned, as she half lurched, half stumbled across her garden. 

Alcohol was liberating, no need for fear, no need to use the spy hole, she smiled to herself. Ready for anything! She threw open her door, her eyes colliding with a dirty shade of yellow. Realising it was a man’s torso, she stepped back a little, dragging her eyes up the breadth of the yellow tunic, until she found herself pierced to the spot by a pair of dazzling steel grey eyes. 

`We’re here about the fire!` the owner of the eyes explained in a tone that reached down and caressed the very core of her being.

`Fire?` she asked, her confusion clearly displayed on her face, as she dragged her eyes from his, to look past him to the waiting fire engine. 

`Yes, the fire.` he repeated, sniffing the air for affect. 

`Oh that fire` she forced herself to take back control of her failing senses `It’s nothing just some books` She stopped, a blush suffusing her cheeks, uncertain if it was the result of admitting her heinous crime, or his close proximity. 

`You might believe it’s nothing, but we have received several complaints about toxic fumes….`

His voice faded, he was obviously speaking as she was watching so intently as his lips moved, but all she could think of was the book `Cleanse Toxic Love from your life`. She wasn’t entirely sure that the author had intended for the book to be burnt, but it had obviously played some part in bringing this living breathing male god to her doorstep. 

`Their self help books` she muttered, `Not classics or anything like that. I mean what kind of a person would burn Wuthering Heights?`

`Their genre is of no importance, it's the chemicals and inks used in their production that is the problem. Are you aware that it is a council offence to burn unclean materials in a domestic home?`

`Surely if that’s the case my mother would have been arrested years ago, for her cooking.` Kim laughed, then seeing that he was serious, added, `Are you arresting me?`

Despite her sudden concern of spending the rest of the evening in a cell, she couldn’t keep the rasp of excitement from her tone, as she thought of him clasping handcuffs around her wrists. Perhaps she could resist, forcing him to manhandle her, before throwing her easily onto his shoulder and carrying her back to the fire engine. 

`Hello` he waved a hand in front of her face, to get her attention. Realising she’d drifted off into a daydream, she tried to focus her thoughts away from his nice strong fingers, and back onto his words. 

`I said, we are not the police. But I will need to enter the premises to extinguish the fire and make a report.`

`Absolutely` Kim gushed, pushing herself back against the wall to make room for his solid bulk to squeeze past her. Inhaling his scent as he did so, a heady mixture of aftershave, soap, and pure maleness. Coming back to her senses, Kim, hurried after him, overtaking him so as to be able to lead him to her back door. Totally unnecessary, in her tiny two up two down terrace but she was determined to hold onto some semblance of being in control. 

`That’s a lot of books,` he noted as they stood in front of the book funeral pyre `all self help you say?`

The alcohol fog was fading, and the sight in front of them filled her with shame as well as the odd spurt of panic, as she wondered how would she cope without them? Unable to speak, she nodded, fighting back the irrational urge to cry. 

`Did they help?` He asked, turning to face her, his eyes gazing at her so deeply, she feared he would  see her blackened book burning, desperate to be loved soul. 

`No` She whispered, feeling the fine hairs on the back of her neck starting to lift. 

`Interesting.` He replied, breaking the look, to pull out a notebook from a back pocket somewhere, she tried not to let her mind wonder to where and instead asked, `Why?`

`A self help book on dating was recommended to me recently.` he replied honestly, unaware of the effect his words had evoked within her. Dating, could this gorgeous man stood in front of her, in the uniform made for fantasies, really be single? 

`Did it work?` she asked, not sure if she wanted to know the answer. 

`Haven’t purchased it yet. I kind of figured that the time I spent reading it, could be spent actually making the changes, getting out there and meeting someone. But in my job, time is limited, so I guess I should think about ordering it.`

`I see.` she murmured, wishing that she hadn’t burnt her collection, perhaps she could have offered to lend him some, but then she reasoned, he wouldn’t even be standing in front of her, without her act of arson. 

`I guess with you being an expert on them, you’d be the person to ask.` 

`Oh I wouldn’t call myself an expert` She objected. 

`My motto in life has always been to ask that daft question, to avoid regretting not asking it later` he continued with a smile, that literally stole the breath from her lungs, and had her wondering if she should ask if he carried a tank of spare oxygen. Unable to speak, she nodded.

`Would you like to meet for a coffee tomorrow to discuss the subject further?` He asked on what seemed to be the rush of breath, he’d stolen from her earlier. Again all Kim could do was nod, and wonder how inane the smile splitting her face was making her appear. 

`Great` he smiled again, then looked a little apologetic as he tapped his notebook `That just leaves filling an incident report.` 

`Will I be arrested?` She asked for a second time, thinking that would just be her luck. 

`Just an advisory letter and warning not to re offend` he assured, before adding with a killer smile `I am going to need your name and telephone number.’ 

Christmas Eve

`You may kiss the bride.`

She’d heard the words so many times as a bit player in someone else's story, and had given up imagining herself cast as the star in the leading role. Gazing up into Steve’s eyes, she felt the now familiar flame ignite deep in her core, and wondered again how a man who spent his time fighting fires, had so easily become her fire starter.  Less than a year, from strangers to husband and wife, some had said it was too hasty, but when it's right, you just know. Perhaps one of Cosmic Orders had finally been delivered, or perhaps it was just her own actions that had brought love to her door. She’d never replaced the books, now the shelves were crammed with framed images of the pair of them living life and making memories. Her account with Angel Guidance was closed, she didn’t need a quarterly forecast to tell her that he loved her, his eyes spoke volumes. They might not know what the future held, but in this moment, she just knew it was going to be a happy one!