How Names Evolve

On September 14th, 1999 I was born as Zoe Kashey. I was called Zoe, introduced myself as Zoe, and grew up as Zoe. It was like that until I was two. Mom, Dad, and Zoe. Simple and pure. Or at least I thought it was. 

Sometime in 2001 my parents split. Nobody bothered explaining things to me, all I knew was that I had two new names. My mom called me "Baby Girl" and my dad affectionately called me "Short Bus". Of course to strangers I was still "Zoe", but I didn't feel like Zoe anymore. I wasn't quite Baby Girl or Short Bus either. I was all three and I was confused. It seemed like each name came with a different personality.

Zoe was smart and funny. She ran through the restaurant saying things like, "The sun is a hot ball of gas" and "I'm Caucasian that means I'm white". The strangers she approached were always amused and let her nibble off their plates. Zoe made friends easily. She was independent and made Mom worry just a little bit and made Dad laugh a lot. I kind of miss her.

Now, Baby Girl was, to be blunt, a baby. She always needed Mommy and would cry if she didn't get attention. She made up stories and imaginary friends and could recite commercials of her favorite toys. She had to have the biggest birthday party and Mom was only too happy to provide. Baby Girl had pictures of herself everywhere. 

Short Bus, admittedly my least favorite name, was quiet. Not sad quiet, but a calm and relaxing one. She liked to draw just like Daddy. She liked sharpies and colored pencils and skulls. She drew SpongeBob on everything. She loved listening to dad play guitar and ignored the skunky scent dad's friends had. Short Bus could take care of herself and Dad was happy to help where he could.

In 2002 I got two more names. The first one was "Micky's Brat", I was called that by my Mom's new boyfriend. He was smelly and mean and he would hurt Mom. He would "accidentally" let any pet Micky's Brat owned run loose. He snuck into her room and pinched Micky's Brat when he thought she was sleeping. Whenever she needed Mom, the Boyfriend would make sure Mom was too busy. Dad hated that Boyfriend was around all the time. He didn't like that Micky's Brat was being ignored, but he couldn't do anything about it. Dad just waited until Short Bus returned to his house for the weekend and gave her all the love he could.

I didn't get my second name until September 20th of that year. "Sister". Her little brother had been born. He's Boyfriend's son. Little Brother had been named Zais McCombs. Little Brother probably went through as many names as Sister, but this isn't his story. 

At first Sister loved Little Brother, but soon she grew jealous and spiteful. Mom gushed over how cute Little Brother was as he sucked on his thumb, so Sister started to do the same. She acted out violently and Little Brother did the same as he grew up. Sister couldn't help but feel unloved and lonely. All the attention went to the new baby. 

The next year was worse, that's when Sister became Big Sister. On December 19, 2003 Little Sister was born; Zia Green-McCombs. She was also Boyfriend's kid, but he never claimed her. Big Sister wanted to love Little Sister. She wanted to have her all to herself, but in the end Little Sister was always closer to Little Brother. Big Sister was even more alienated than before, Little Brother and Little Sister got most of the attention and as a result Big Sister was left alone. It was like that for another four years. 

In 2007, the three of us moved in with Grandma while Mom went to military training. Grandma called all of us Baby. It made us all equal, for the most part. The younger two acted out worse now that Mom was gone. Grandma had to punish them and Baby felt good. Baby was well behaved and earned privileges like staying up a little bit later getting dessert first, and kind praises. The younger two got spankings and scoldings. They got kind praises when they were good, but that was rarely. Baby felt the most love she's felt since the birth of Little Brother. This year was blissful for Baby. 

Then Mom came home. Mom brought a Husband and told us that we were moving. 2009, Baby became Z-Kid #1 and had to leave the comforts of Grandma's embrace and Dad's weekend fun. Z-Kid #1 watched as Mom and Husband quickly packed up most of the house, leaving only beds for us to sleep on for the night. Z-Kid #1  was a quiet anxious as she watched Husband interact with Z-Kids #2 & 3. He was strict and rude, but was kind to Z-Kid #1. She felt a pit in her stomach that told her Husband was not a good man, but Mom was happy so she never said anything. 

Z-Kid #1 grew to regret that decision. She regrets a lot of things from that time. She became so sad and silent as Husband's true colors showed. Z-Kid #1 was bound by fear and shame that she did whatever Husband told her to do. She made fun of Z-Kids #2 & 3's pain and even helped Husband record their cries. She felt justified whenever she threw Z-Kid #2 against the couch, because Husband punishes with pain why shouldn't she?  Z-Kid #1 felt the most guilty on the day Husband went too far. On the day Z-Kid #2 came out of the bathroom crying, pants wet, and a bruise forming on his forehead. Mom had intervened, but Z-Kid #1 sat and did nothing. She saw all the signs of Husband's cruelty, but still kept quiet. She kept quiet until Mom felt Husband's cruelty. They lived in Germany by the time Husband became Ex-husband. 

I didn’t get my next new name until 2013. My dad called me and told me that I was now Sissy. With that news, Sissy became heartbroken. It had always been Short Bus and Dad, now Dad had a Girlfriend who was pregnant. Why would he need Sissy anymore? She was hardly ever with him since Mom joined the army, Sissy had abandoned him and Dad made a new life of his own. Sissy was tired of being replaced with siblings and significant others. She was tired of “friends” who only put up with her out of pity. That’s when Sissy discovered how razors helped relieve the pain. 2013 was a blur of Bullies, Mom’s New Husband, Dad gushing about the new Baby, and Brother and Sister being spoiled and rude. New Husband noticed the pain Sissy was in and tried to help, but it wasn’t helping. Mom was deployed and Dad loved another Daughter. Sissy’s friends never stuck around for long. Soon her wrist started looking like a barcode.  New Husband was worried for her, so Sissy started making pretty lines on her tummy instead. Nobody said anything in the locker room at school, New Husband stopped worrying, Sissy kept hurting. She hurt until Mom came home and saw what she had done. Sissy was put in a hospital where they were supposed to help. She stayed there for two weeks, but she missed Thanksgiving and her Baby Sister’s birth. 

Sissy gave herself a new name, Burden. She had to take medicine to stop herself from hurting, she had to go to therapy. Burden felt like she always got in the way of other people’s happiness. Mom was stressed and depressed, New Husband pitted her against Mom, Brother and Sister reminded Burden that it was her fault Mom was sad. It was her fault that the family was broken. Burden believed them. Burden’s therapist told her that she wasn’t a burden, she was just sad and needed more support. Therapist tried hard to convince Mom to let Burden move. Mom wouldn’t let her go for the longest time. 

When Mom finally agreed, she had accidentally given me a new name, Slut. On the last day Slut sat with Mom, Brother, and Sister for dinner at a restaurant, Mom was drinking. Mom had been drinking for most of the weekend. New Husband was thinking of getting a divorce and mom blamed Slut. Mom accused her of sleeping with New Husband, even though Slut was only 14. Mom made her feel like it really was all her fault. Slut said nothing, but cried in the front of the building and waited for New Husband to pick her up. Mom then called the police and said that she had been kidnapped. Mom locked Slut in a room and told her she wasn’t allowed to leave. When Slut tried to stand up for herself, mom slapped her. Slut went to bed that night and cried. The next morning, Mom was in Hawaii and Slut left for Kansas that afternoon. 

Dad picked her up from the airport and gave her a better name. Zoe-Bowie. It took a long time for Zoe-Bowie to feel safe. She went to high school and made better friends, she held her Baby Sister, and watched Dad’s Girlfriend become his Wife. Zoe-Bowie got comfortable calling her Stepmom. She slowly started healing from what she used to call home. Zoe-Bowie still had bad days, but not nearly as many as before. She felt at peace like she had when Grandma held her. 

Then Dad put pressure on her. Zoe-Bowie became Sissy again, but different this time. This Sissy was loved, but stressed. Sissy needed a new, better job that paid more, but nobody gave her enough money. Sissy worked at Sonic, and she made the most money. She was still stressed, but she felt a little better now that she had a stable income. Sissy was able to pay her own phone bill and was able to buy things that she wanted. It was going great, until Sissy met her Love.

Love had pretty red curls that had been dyed green. He wore a lot of black band t-shirts and baggy pants. Love made Sissy laugh and called her Baby Doll. Baby Doll felt like she had found her happiness. She gladly went to school and work, spent most of her money on Love, on gas to drive him on dates or to work. She gave him everything he asked for without question. When Love told her to move in with him, Baby Doll did so without asking Dad. For a few months Baby Doll and Love were happy. It was as if they were made for each other.

Then Love turned sour and Baby Doll became Emotional Bitch. She never knew what happened to make Love change, but he did. He yelled at Emotional Bitch and slapped her. He made her feel like she was going crazy. Love regularly left the house at night saying he needed to repay favors. Emotional Bitch stayed up late worrying about him and never questioned where he was going. Emotional Bitch argued that Love about him not going to work and making her give up most of her paycheck. Her arguments were switched around so that Love was the victim. Love wasn't getting enough sex, money, attention, and it was all Emotional Bitch's fault. She, according to Love, never appreciated what he did. Then Love kicked her out. He stole her blanket and some clothes she'd left behind and given them to Secret Girlfriend. Emotional Bitch was devastated and had to move back with Mom.

Emotional Bitch became Baby Girl again. Mom did her best to support her through the break up, Brother and Sister did not. They mostly avoided Baby Girl, but they fought a lot. It's been four years since Baby Girl ditched them and they were a bit bitter. Sister was the worst of them. She knew exactly how to hurt Baby Girl the most and used it to her advantage. Brother did nothing. Mom was busy at work and couldn't help. Baby girl sought out acceptance from strangers and would sneak off at night to feel good. She needed to feel whole again, but didn't know how to do that. So she slept around. She was stuck in a cycle of self hatred and loathing. She blamed Love for her pain, but she was the one at fault. Looking back at all the signs, Baby Doll hated herself for ignoring them because of how much she loved Love. Baby Doll was bitter and took it out on everyone, including herself. 

Mom saw how Baby Girl was suffering and how she needed something to do. Brother also needed to get his highschool diploma, so Mom recommended Job Corps. Baby Girl signed up and became Zoe. Plain, moldable, teachable, tired, and depressed. She knew that she needed this opportunity to find her own path. Zoe joined Office Administration and tried hard to focus on trade work. She started therapy and she started healing. She started making friends and she met Rat.

Rat was a tiny boy who liked to steal from stores, make jokes, and be unapologetically himself. He called Zoe Wife and she called him Husband; they were inseparable. They took time off with each other and never got tired of the other. When one needed support the other would come running. Wife learned what it meant to care about someone and to let them care for her in return. Husband was her best friend and Wife was so proud of him for how far he's come. Together Husband and Wife tried a lot of things and they found Write Around Portland. 

Wife became Tuesday Michael and Husband became RatCola. They both got some writing published in an anthology and Tuesday Michael discovered a new passion. She's still learning what to write about and how to say it, but since the beginning she's come so far. Tuesday Michael loves where she is now and will continue to grow. She doesn't think, or rather I don't think I'll ever stop finding new names, but now I have something to base my new names off of. I won't be shaped by other people's opinions anymore. I've come too far. I am a woman of many names, and my favorite always will be Me. I am Tuesday Michael. I am Zoe.I have a long way to go still, and I look forward to the journey.