Mine shotgun (wedding) sheep push hilly herd round the wool, wide web.

Submitted into Contest #28 in response to: Write about your most unique experience at, or in, a wedding.... view prompt

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Creative Nonfiction

Preface, (albeit poetically pockmarked titled):

Oy gevalt - moi ongepotchket married life,

I immediately did kvetch

since sorry excuse for sex pistol

made successful pollination obligatory mandate

concealed within thatched vetch

combining guaranteeing harvesting top notch wretch.

Rutting season (24/7/365 days) touted me being

biologically, effectively, and irresistibly virile - yay

once thy future spouse (Abby Robin)

found herself in the family way

with what would turn out to be oy vey

the first of our two daughters – I do say

determined and sealed the sticky decision,

gathering rosebuds while we may...

our rolling in the figurative hay

to wed said mother of thine eventual

female progeny on an agreed upon day.

Both of us happened to be older

grown offspring at ten times thrice,

or about three plus decades to be generally

better than never for husbandry to suffice

and drew our fate sealed courtesy no clay dice.

Said age difference approximately

year and a half between us two,

and both miserably living with parents,

which o’er the years particularly

amidst 324 Level Road rancor grew

since age eighteen years Psy idyllic Gangnam Style

conspired rage against me sheen matt chew.

I agreed to pledge my troth

on premise this writer

(christened Matthew Harris)

aka king o one Scott the lighter

found himself in the throes

becoming potential mister re: mom)

per one dominant seminal

striver Darwinian fighter.

Since neither of us took precautions

and I threw prophylactics to the wind,

hence the inevitable (i.e. so called

bun in the oven), nonetheless

tasting (think kumquats) supposed

quintessential verboten fruits

branded us as having sinned

took us by surprise and got us

necessarily biologically pinned.

Even though a decision to tie

comitragedy farcical, inimical,

lyric, operatic, rabbinic, universalistic,

green eggs and hammering xanthocomic Doctor Seuss

the gordian knot (more like noose)

donning the role of future father

tightened and n’er got loose

an inner conflict jostled thine inner being

against forming legal wedded union – the deus.

Prior to taking that legal vow

to be husband and wife

until death doth us part before

justice of the peace

(which building matter

of fact, happens to be

a hopper, skipper and jumper

from where this seat

experienced posterior strife

because his gluteus maximus

constitutes sitting on bony arse

as if being cut by knife

matrimonial bliss seemed

like pipe dream

in subsequent years only to spiral

into maelstrom of some chaotic life.

In truth, the prospect to marry

in general mills and aforementioned

gal in particular

hardly filled yours truly

giddy with excitement

but decision this troubadour

wished to defer and tarry.

Passive agreement to acquiesce

meekly saying that necessary “I do”

impregnating the woman named above

transpired until her belly grew

swollen with Eden Liat

thy current star student

resides within San Francisco, California,

whereas aged Missus sound asleep – 24/7

counting sheep lined up in queue,

yet lately this personal

state of affairs I chronically rue

and immerse myself

reminiscing about yesteryear

and wonder why passivity

elected as way to escape

utter aversion living

with ma dad and

(thy die late ting gulling) mom

both analogously cooking

in boiling can a bull stew

marinating tenderloins true

forever psychologically scarring kinder

with absolute zero tender loving care value.

Predilection to play Russian roulette

by avoiding any safe sexual mode

i.e. contraceptives to avoid unplanned pregnancy

shrugged atlas off while spermatozoa

adhered to reproductive code

which absence to use birth control also arose

as natural propensity to procreate

from natural urges that did goad.

Now, less joy de vivre doth prevail

to remain monogamous and

uphold strictures from this male

fidelity, integrity morality,

et cetera buts ahead without fail

from rampant testosterone urge

to become appeased, fulfilled, satiated

no matter this then few dozen

plus year bride and groom blindly entered

the unalterable sacred covenant,

whence sexual need now does ail.

After birth of daughter numero dos did arrive

the preponderance of physical gratification

took kamikaze nose dive

seeks special care in lass for

long lasting marriage and love to strive.

Bunched up (er... likened to petrified animal build dung), ewe would not bull heave housed within Montgomery County Magisterial District Court 38-1-06 925 Montgomery Avenue, Suite 100, the bailiwick of Judge: Henry Schireson reigned since time immemorial. His credentials to officiate as principal scholled justice of the peace acquiesced to perform civil marriage codifying said union between yours truly and mother of my future daughters. Thus brief introduction ushers thee most singular (and therefore subsequently defacto unique experience at, or in, a wedding, id est comprising (mine) first and only occasion I espoused linkedin (think) courtesy monogamous yoke.

Believe me you, this garden variety, generic, glib guy (strongly resembling eponymous Geico caveman did not wish to tie the figurative Gordian knot, but more so favored begetting progeny. Why buy the milk, when I could get the cow (heifer gird) for free?

Actually livingsocial plenti adjacent to Hatfield meat processing plant quickly (steeped within water bug infested initial blissfully wedded abode), and encouraged, excited appetite for consumption regarding aborigine bovine concubine, divine elephantine feline, gamine, hypermasculine iodine Jasmine, latrine doused methamphetamine moonshine, nectarine pristine, porcine predilection posited gross gourmand stemming within me (just regular quasi stellar Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater), whose termagant wife could not keep her mouth shut, therefore I put her in a pumpkin shell, and yours truly kept her very well into present.

Though above paragraph prevaricated, (cuz hyperbole tends to accentuate agonizing, despairing, haranguing, marinating and scathing zings. The childlike antics of behavioral challenges exhibited courtesy bride heaved (hooch she mendacious) expletives laced epithets purportedly as wifely endearments. Little did either of us recognize, how such execrable fulminations, (nor did yours truly seek amenable resolutions, but oftimes resorted to feeble fisticuffs and kooky kicks) to parry and thrust sparring no recourse to win-win holy moly roly poly marital affections.

Now allow, enable, and provide me courtesy

to share passé qua rhyming tiff

jump/kick starting starting (think analogously

electroshock therapy) absent wedded bliss

regarding lackluster rigor mortis matrimony

anthropomorphized as grateful dead stiff

dynamics betwixt charade, facade, invade riff

more often than not, our marriage miff

approached brass knuckled fist cull cliff.

Thy whole corporeal being of mine didst ache,

while my psyche doth bake,

akin how ghostly Marie Antoinette

tricked us envision rock hard cafe burnt cake,

these attempts to forewarn you no fake

nor ever appeased gobbledygook issuing Jake.

Honest to dog, this then

wallowing, succumbing, languishing, and drowning

within self made Woebegone Lake

dada, father, mister mom, papa, senor, "sir"

or other endearments one kin make

referring to that paternal parent whose care

and concern does not slake

despite your absence - which truth be told

makes the heart grow fonder

as father/daughter love did wake.

Nonetheless I did smart with

pride and joy in sum: re offspring,

no matter every night went to sleep -

four after midnight

all the while riddled with misery

emotionally overloaded being

did heavily Carrie

four after midnight and into break of day

and even felt so upset,

this inexpert biological guardian

felt obliged to email you in part

encouraged by Amelie and Shari,

(mine endearing, charming, and adoring

eldest and youngest sisters respectively,

who thought best to

stave, thwart and uncouple

off grave dissatisfaction

closer to when ye with part with sweet sorrow

teary eyes leaving splendor offered by Dunning's

aghast at my being jackknifed with weariness.

Abysmal condition of 1148 Green Lane abode

with personal affects scattered

as if cyclone did thriftly impact with ear splitting drone,

thru nearly every room, when disarray –

best not told over the phone

to allow time to asses these words –

written on the fly (a very large one)

with minor editing slight intent to hone,

but invariably let dagger of wretchedness

(that found me sullen, and still does),

and so glad you and Shana on loan

in Bend, Oregon - for ye could only

pointlessly, rapidly, and testily screech and moan

at futility to alter, but

never stop Sisyphean rolling

at greased lightning pottering Sorcerer's stone.

"Mother" (zee misses) often times hell bent on her

swiftly tailored one directional Harry pottering reedsy style

left trail of agonizing, burning,

and cleaving flesh with inconsolable tears

(MINE - but I tried to keep mum)

in her wake that didst rile

and thus ask your input relocating with

my lovely awesome young altruistic sibling

this then winter break = in a way a sort of trial

for apples of me eyes,


To escape this maelstrom a while.

Many orbitz since Earthling

did rack chronological age to ascend

I ponder this point...to complete your education

and Shana Punim or course in Bend,

where internal worries provision

from kid sister sibling

like magic did mend

until I could pack and trek out west

without thee senora Zison-Harris

who, will receive money to spend

if...(after battle axe and her henchwomen

did evict along boulevard of broken dreams) when

the house and possessions finally sold

(at our emotional expense)

dollars for donuts, or an equitable amount of yen.

Ire didst arise

at me for sullying the remaining days

before ye and your sister takes to the sheltering skies

yet, how many yesterday's gone by, Amelie witnessed

her bro in a Uriah heap of lovely bones

tormented with agony at your mortification

at the state of utter entropy though...maybe Abby tries

Matthew tried with feeble futility to encourage

Eden and shana to share with those who care

immensely for such lovely lass as well Shana if ye dare

wish to communicate and declare

colorful epithets with this chap who brought you here

into the world - in tandem

with another chromosomal pair

yet takes onus to maintain your

emotional, physical and spiritual welfare

no matter your feelings toward me at - omg -

your then sixteenth year.

Post (born this way) poker face book ended hybridized literary narrative:

Our halcyon outlandish wedding vow:

wills in consonant with birthing

one after another bloody nightmare

page turning suspense

filled vaulted sepulchral air

ushering the veiled spouse to be

while afar off trumpets did blare

(arranged by the well known

matchmaker Harriet Kuritsky)

creating the ambiance analogous

to renaissance faire

yet contrasted in that this bachelor

and other men related to me

segregated with females and males

at set distance away i.e. not physically near

dictated by mandates of the Hebrew coda

stemming from Moses biological tree,

which separate quarters ample enough to spare

until the proper toll of the bell would peal

accompanied by unified yippee.

After Rabbi Boyce officiated for Matthew Harris

and Abby Robin, the crowded house exalt with cheers

of L’Chaim with chutzpah oompah sizzling and hot

klezmer musicians played schmaltz

which accompanied the hoopla as couples did waltz.

All the while family, friends and relatives

blessed the new groom and bride,

although highly orthodox,

the men removed respective skullcap

more commonly known as

yarmulke some plain others dyed

women and children broke out

in traditional dance and song while others clapped

exemplifying Yahweh to deliver mazal tov,

and shalom as spiritual guide

to the pronounced

newly minted husband and wife,

who pledged their troth in a snap.

Toward conclusion of this typical

(fake) Jewish wedding,

a full goblet of kosher red wine

got tossed in the air

this (in conjunction with crush

of emptied wine glass

sacred apex rite of

passage communicated sign

and marshaled the crowd

to begin local Jerusalem (artichoke foray)

exodus symbolic and clear.

as the newlyweds blissfully

and radiantly strolled arm in arm

and exited the Synagogue, the

euphoric and excited crowd

tossed handfuls of

Uncle Ben’s anka verted rice

(with red-purple hue, resultant

fermentation with mould Monascus purpureus

grown from Norwegian bachelor farmers

on nearby organic whole foods farm,

a chauffeur waited to shuttle them

to their honeymoon location

boyhood bridegroom's bedroom

passersby waved and bowed e'en

became hypnotized courtesy swiveling tuchus

voluptuous grown since first grade school

girlfriend oozing, issuing, exuding radiant maternal erotic charm.

February 10, 2020 01:12

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1 comment

Blane Britt
12:27 Aug 20, 2020

I love the title.


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