Lizzie

Dear Diary, 3/24/20

I don't get it. Every night this week I've woken up in a cold sweat. What's going on? Am I just not allowed to rest? I'm so tired. People are starting to notice the bags under my eyes. Peter's getting worried. Every time I've woken up, he got up as well. He got me to try all these natural remedies. I think I've woken him up more than our daughter, Lizzie. This morning, when I got up to get ready for work, I saw that he had fallen asleep on the couch with the baby. When I got home around 5, he was still asleep. His mother had come and picked Lizzie up so he could rest. I might need to go to the doctor soon. I can't keep doing this to Peter. At this point, I think he's suffering more than I am. Between Lizzie and I, he basically gets no sleep. I don't know where this....this insomnia came from, but it needs to go back. I don't need this. Peter doesn't need this. My baby doesn't need this right now.

Dear Diary, 3/31/20

I spoke with Dr. Labinski last Friday. She said to go to the pharmacy today. I believe the name of what she prescribed me was eszopiclone. I'm going to start taking it tonight. Maybe then my family can be happier. I'll sleep on the futon too. They deserve so much better. I'm heading out to the store now. In the morning, I'll write the results down here, as well. Now it can be both my emotional ventilation and my medicinal journal.

Dear Emotion Ventilation and Medicinal Journal, 4/1/20

I'm sorry. I just couldn't resist calling it that just for today. I took it about 3 hours after I finished my dinner. Dr. Labinski told me to take it on an empty stomach and right before bed, so I did just that. Amazingly, I slept like a rock. It was so refreshing. However, there is one downside. I didn't hear Lizzie last night. She had been being difficult for him,but Peter didn't want to wake me. I'm going to try and listen for her tonight....That is, if I can stay awake.

Dear Diary, 4/3/20

I've stopped taking the pills. Last night I didn't hear my daughter screaming. Peter has been so tired as well. neither of us woke to her cries. When I woke up in the morning, she had soaked her onesie. Now she has this horrible rash and she's in so much pain. I am NOT going to let this ever happen again. Peter and Lizzie have gone to sleep in our room. I'm just laying out in the living room on the futon. I can't sleep. This is for them. What if she had crawled out of her crib? She could have seriously been hurt because of my lack of attentiveness. I've just gotten the sudden urge to bake. I think I'll make some cookies. Maybe they'll help me sleep.(....Several Hours Later....) I'm all done. I think it might scare Peter in the morning though. I got distracted. I ended up with Almost 150 cookies. And not just all the same. I made sugar cookies, oatmeal cookies, peanut butter cookies, chocolate chip cookies, white chocolate fudge cookies, and alfajores. I think I'll just sit down for a bit.

Dear Diary, 4/4/20

Peter freaked out. When he saw the kitchen, he started yelling my name. "Maritza! What did you do?!" It woke me right up. I sat bolt upright and looked over at him, tears welling in my eyes. "I'm really sorry, honey. I couldn't sleep..." His glare instantly dissipated, turning into a much softer, worried gaze. He carried Lizzie over and sat down next me. "Peter...I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry." He enveloped me in a bear hug. "It's alright, love. J-just.....just sleep now. Okay?" I nodded and slowly fell into unconsciousness with Lizzie sprawled out on my chest. It's going to be okay now. I just need her. It was always her. No prescription can fill the void of not having my daughter nearby. That was it. I just needed my baby to be safe. It's going to be okay. It'll be fine...Don't worry my baby girl. We'll be okay now....

- Love,

Mommy

__________________________________________

Dear Mom, 4/24/49

I finished your old journal. After your death Dad gave it to me. The funeral is tomorrow. I don't think I can go through with this. Burying the woman who birthed me. Who raised me. Who loved me unconditionally. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I mean, I'm a damn doctor! I should have seen it coming. How could I not realize that you had cancer? You was always tired....you barely ever ate. You both lived with me, for god's sake! I guess I was too busy for my own mother. I'm a horrible daughter. Nothing will ever be okay again. I'm safe, Mom....But you aren't..... It isn't okay. I'm so sorry. We aren't okay.....I love you, Mom...It's all my fault. What would Dad say? That is, if he said anything anymore. Since you....passed.... He's been so quiet. So detached...So depressed. He doesn't even play with Klause anymore. If he isn't playing with his grandson. There's something wrong. I mean....at this point, what isn't wrong. It's your own daughter's fault that you're dead. I should have known. Jose keeps telling me it's not. But it is. My own husband knows it deep down. I saw the messages to his father. He told him that I thought it was my fault. His father said it kind of is. He didn't deny it. I know he must think the worst of me. Too focused on myself to notice that my mom is dying. Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell anyone? How could you just let yourself die? How could you leave us all alone? We can't do this without you. We need you. We ALL need you. Why can't you come back? Why wouldn't you stay int he first place. Still, I could've seen it. If I had only looked. I'm sorry, Mommy. Please.....just come back...

-Love,

Lizzie