dimwit muffin addicted self-absorbed spineless slug

Submitted into Contest #56 in response to: Write a story about two people meeting during unusual circumstances and becoming fast friends.... view prompt

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Funny Creative Nonfiction

The cafe bustled with energy as the soft aroma of freshly cooked cookies filled the air. She stood by the pick-up area as she waited for her name to be called. It probably wasn’t well advised to stop for a cup of coffee before doing what she was about to do, but Lily wasn’t exactly known for her good ideas. Her fingers drummed on the straps of her bag as she waited. 

“Lily!” A barista called out. Lily walked over graciously to grab her cup and hurriedly brought it over to the station where she could add sugar. Pro tip: Coffee with loads of sugar was probably not the best idea at the moment, but the idea, in theory, had helped with her nerves, so why the hell not. 

She ducked her head down to pour the sugar. A strand of hair fell in front of her eyes as she grumbled anxiously. She brushed the strand away and continued dumping sugar in. She was on her 4th packet when someone bumped into her. She whirled around to see what had happened when she was met with a disgruntled looking guy. 

He ran his hand through his dark hair in frustration and flared his nostrils. “God, why were you just standing there?” He asked exasperatingly. Though he had a sharp nose and painfully green eyes, she couldn’t help but think he looked like a slug. A very disgusting and very rude slug. 

She gaped at him. He continued to stare at her, and Lily realized that he actually wanted an answer. “Excuse me,” she said, gritting her teeth, but politely. Her mother had raised her to be polite, so she really did try - to be polite that is. Well, as polite as one can be when they’ve just been run into.

“But you ran into me if I recall correctly. Maybe I should ask why you ran into me.” She stared at him pointedly, grabbing the strap of her bag with one hand, ready to use it as a weapon if it came down to it. 

He stared at her with disgust. “I ran into you because you wouldn’t get out of my way. And look at what you made me do. You made me drop a perfectly good muffin,” he accused. 

She looked down at the ground where the muffin laid. It did look pretty good in her opinion. It was chocolate, and gooey, and oh my god. “You dropped it on me!” she yelled. “I look like I just crapped my pants!” She grabbed several napkins and tried rubbing it off, but only looked at him furiously when it didn’t come out. Her face was rising in shades of red.

He glared at her with boredom. “So?” 

“So I look like I just crapped my pants!” She repeated. 

“No, not that.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Then what?”

“I’m waiting for an apology.” He stood with his arms crossed and stared expectantly at her. 

She stared up at him and stood up, discarding the napkins angrily. “An apology?”

“Yes. An apology. You made me drop my muffin.” 

I make you drop your muffin, and you want an apology?”

“Yes. Are you just going to repeat everything I say? Chop chop, now, I have somewhere to be.” He checked his watch and looked at her again. 

“I,” she spluttered, getting more and more red with each moment. “I will not be apologizing to you, out of all people, you, you, you dimwit muffin addicted self-absorbed spineless slug,” she yelled furiously, flailing her arms out. She drew in a small breath and looked at the rest of the cafe. It had gone completely silent following her outburst, and Lily made the mental note that she might have been a little too loud. 

“Well, I’m not just going to stay here letting you insult me,” he said, plainly. He shoved his hands in his pockets and pushed the glass door of the cafe, walking out briskly. The door tinkled lightly with his exit. 

Lily stood there rooted at the spot, wondering how someone could possibly be so rude. She looked at the crowd in the cafe for some sort of ‘you’re right, he was out of line’ reaction, before she realized that she had actually been the one who yelled so loudly that she halted all conversation in the cafe. She looked at baristas sheepishly, hoping it conveyed her embarrassment and how sorry she was. She picked the sad muffin off the floor and threw it, and her coffee, into the trash. She didn’t need any more unnecessary nerves, that much she knew. 

She walked to the exit of the cafe quickly, feeling embarrassed, and pushed her way out. The cool air hit her, and she let out a sigh of relief. She stared down at the stain on her jeans and had another wave of embarrassment surge through her. It wasn’t that noticeable in all actuality. And it didn’t actually make it look like she crapped herself, but that guy had just been so rude to her. She shook her head again. Still- she shouldn’t have gotten so upset. She had an extra pair of pants in her bag anyway, she shouldn’t have let it become such a big deal.

She pulled her phone out of her back pocket and checked the time. The flutter of nervousness returned in her chest, and she stalked off, drumming her fingers along the strap of her bag. She stood in front of the studio hesitantly. It wasn’t anything special, just a regular old dance studio, but Lily’s anxiety skyrocketed just by standing in front of the door. 

She brought her hand up to pull open the door but faltered slightly. The flyer had advertised ballroom dance classes for both singles and couples, but who in their right mind would take a ballroom dance class alone? Apart from her obviously, but as we have clearly established, Lily isn’t the perfect example of someone in their right mind. 

She blew out a frustrated breath and tugged the end of her t-shirt. It’s now or never, she thought, and with that, she pulled the door open and walked briskly through.

She entered the studio and looked around. She didn’t really know what she had been expecting, but it looked like the same studio that she learned ballet in all those years ago. She looked around for the instructor and spotted her in a nearby office. 

She knocked lightly on the open door, and the lady looked up and smiled. She was a slightly older woman, but her smile made her look young. Her light brown hair was tied back in a messy ponytail, and she stood up to take Lily in. Lily chuckled nervously as she thought about what to say. 

“Are you Lily, dear?” The instructor asked kindly. Lily relaxed a little, this was bizarre. She was a grown adult, she shouldn’t feel weird talking to other grown adults.

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Oh please, call me Barbra.”

“Oh, Ok Barbra.”

“Great. You’re a single right?”

Lily chuckled nervously again and looked down. “Yup. That’s me.”

“Well, that’s brilliant!” The instructor exclaimed. “We have another single here. He’ll be glad to dance with someone other than me for once.” Her expression brightened. She glanced down at the stain on her pants, and smiled sympathetically.“You go get dressed and settled in. I’ll send him over to find you.” 

Lily nodded before stalking off to what she assumed was the storage room. After getting changed, she sat on a bench tying her shoe as everyone else bustled around her. 

“It’s you?” Someone above her exclaimed. “What are you doing here?” Lily furrowed her brow. She recognized the voice, but she didn’t know where. She looked up at him and shot up from the chair. It was the same green-eyed, dark haired, muffin dropping, slimy slug.

“It’s you! Why are you here?” 

“I just asked that.”

“Well,” she stuttered. “I’m here for ballroom dance classes,” she stated indignantly, trying not to feel embarrassed about the fact that she was in fact, taking ballroom dance classes alone. 

He glared at her. “I expected that much, but why did I have to be paired with you?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re the other single?” 

“Yup,” he said, popping the ‘p’.

“I’ll just talk to Barbra then,” Lily said, walking towards her office again. 

He groaned and tried to stop her. “Wait, please don’t…”

“What did you do now Sebastian Nathaniel Mathis,” Barbra yelled, cutting his words off. She stormed out of her office and met them in the middle of the studio. “You asked me for a partner, and I gave you a partner. What’s wrong with this one? Her hair is too straight? She’s too short? Come on, out with it boy,” she demanded.

“She was rude to me this morning!”

“Well, it was only because you ran into me and dropped a muffin on me and didn’t apologize!” Lily defended. She realized that she had been yelling again, and backed away embarrassed. 

Barbra stared at him. “Come with me boy,” she said before dragging him by the ear to her office. A few moments later, Sebastian walked over to Lily. 

“Ok class, please stand with your partner, and we’ll begin with some basic warm-ups,” Barbra called out to the class. 

Lily and Sebastian stood awkwardly next to each other as they crossed the room doing warm-up exercises. Sebastian coughed nervously. “So, um. My mother has kindly informed me that I should apologize to you for this morning. I was a jerk, and I apologize. I’m Sebastian.” 

Lily scoffed and pulled her leg towards her. “Well, about time. But I heard your name when your mother yelled it across the studio,” she said with a chuckle. They continued to warm up in silence before she spoke up again. “Wait, your mother?”

Sebastian nodded. “Yup. That demon of a woman is my mother.”

Lily thought it over in her head. “Respect.”

They continued to stretch in silence before Sebastian spoke up again. “Well?”

“Well, what?” 

“Are you not going to apologize to me too?”

She whirled to look at him. “What? Apologize? For what?”

He pursed his lips. “If I recall correctly, you called a, what was it? A dimwitted slug?” He cocked his eyebrow up, expectantly. 

“In my defense. You did look awfully like a slug when you were trying to get me to apologize to you,” she said, smirking slightly. 

He took this olive branch of peace and gasped dramatically. “I’ll have you know that many people consider me attractive.”

“Oh, why? Your mommy?”

He unexpectedly let out a bark of laughter, and Lily relished in taking part in that when he had been so painstakingly rude to her earlier. 

“Well?” He urged again. 

Lily rolled her eyes but felt the corner of her mouth twitch slightly. “Fine fine Mr. Mathis, you do not look like a slug. Happy?”

“Yes. Thank you very much.” They moved on from stretching and stood in front of each other to learn how to foxtrot or something. She hesitantly placed her hand on his arm. “So why are you taking ballroom dance classes?” He asked. “Most people take them when they’re getting married or something, but you’re here alone. So what’s your story.” 

Lily coughed nervously and blushed. “Oh. Um. Well, you can’t make fun of me or anything. I know we’ve only met this morning, but I’m swearing you to secrecy on this one.” He stared at her expectantly, and she sighed. “Well, I kind of have this obsession with Dancing with the stars…”

“Dancing with the stars?” He exclaimed. “Are you serious?”

Lily blushed. “I distinctly remember asking you not to make fun-”

“Oh, I’m not. I’m just making sure I heard you right,” he waved impatiently. “I started ballroom dancing because of DWTS too!”

She stared up at him in shock. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. Why else would I continue to take a dance class with my mother.” Lily giggled and nodded agreeing. 

Sebastian winced. “Watch yourself. Can you try not to step on my foot all the time?” 

“I’m sorry. This is my first class, you big baby.”

“Correct me if I'm wrong, but I’m pretty sure you were the one who threw a tantrum earlier.” Lily purposely stomped on his foot at that statement, and Sebastian called out in pain. 

Lily stuck her tongue out at him and laughed. They kept dancing, Lily stepped on his foot occasionally, but never on purpose. They fell into an easy conversation of the latest season of Dancing with the Star. He was easy to dance with, and once she got over the initial shock of his first impression rudeness, she found that he was actually not that bad of a person. 

At the end of the lesson, he threw her a water bottle, like a ritual that they’d developed over years of knowing each other. She tipped it towards him and gave a grateful sip.

“So I’ll see you next week? Love my mother to death, that woman, but I can’t keep dancing with her. Drives me mad.”

Lily laughed easily and smirked. “Yea. I’ll see you next week. Unless you see me at a donut shop before then and throw one of those at me. If that’s the case I’m out of here.” 

Sebastian threw a towel at her with a laugh. “Oh shut up.” 

August 27, 2020 02:07

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1 comment

Maggie Walters
20:32 Aug 30, 2020

shout out to the people that actually read this - actually, it's only me. ok but when I was writing this, I said "this is going to be so funny", but when I actually read it out loud, it's kinda cringey (which of course makes it funny haha). but uh, if you actually read this I love you

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