My diary

"The most frightening monsters are the ones in our own minds."-popular quote.

June 4, 2000

my name is jack. i am 8 years old. mommy bought me this diary. I will write in it.

June 5, 2000

today i hit violet who is my sister. mommy was very angry. i dont like violet because she is very irritating. mommy says i still cant hit her and that doesnt make any sense. mommy gave me a timeout. I dont like mommy.

July 7, 2001

violet is a very bad girl. today she came into my room. i began to punch her face. she was crying and it was so funny. i told her dont tell anybody but she told mommy. I want to stick her full of pins

July 8, 2001

today my teacher asked me to write about my family members. i wrote that daddy goes to office, i dont like mommy and i want to stick violet full of pins. the teacher was asking so many questions like why dont you like mommy. she had a strange expression on her face it was so funny. i should make  her do it more.

August 7, 2001

I learnt about capitals today. You should put a capital letter at the start of every sentence. I showed mommy. She was very happy. It was not funny like when she is angry.

November 21, 2002

I have a new friend. His name is Max. I want to be his friend because he has lot of sweets. He is very cheerful and funny and he doesn’t listen to the teacher. So I also pretend cheerful and funny and did not listen to Mrs. Carrow. He became happy and gave me a lot of chocolates and said be my friend.

November 25, 2002

I told Max about the teachers weird expression he said oh I understand she was scared. I told Max I like scaring the teacher lets scare her. He said okay and we hid behind the door and suddenly jumped at Miss Clarence. She became so scared I was laughing. We ate lot of sweets to celebrate.

November 26, 2002

Violet has been so irritating nowadays. I told her go away she told me I am thirteen I will not listen to you. I am becoming so angry and this will not be good for violet.

November 30, 2002

Today Violet was talking with mommy in the hall. I told her go away she asked why. I told her I want her to but she did not listen. She never listens to me so I became very angry and took mommy’s knife and stabbed her leg. She began screaming and crying it was very funny and I was laughing and laughing. Mommy took her to hospital . I hope she is in a lot of pain and still crying. Maybe she will die that would be nice.

March 8, 2003

Today a girl wrote me a letter. I think it’s a love letter. It said “ I lov u sooo much from the depths of my soal. Everytime I look at ur fase I becum happy and start smiling. u are so handsum and smart.” I learnt about spelling and apostrophes last year. She is so stupid. I corrected all her mistakes and gave it back to her.

Mommy became very angry when I told her. She told me I am hurting all the girls in my life like violet. Every time we talk Mommy somehow brings up Violet who unfortunately survived. It makes me so angry. I explained to her that it was actually Violet’s fault but she will not listen to me.

April 10, 2003

I had a fight with Max today. Usually we don’t fight because I pretend I am like him so he thinks I am a very nice boy. But today he said he would not give me the strawberry sweet. We fought for a long time and finally I asked him- “I am such a good friend and I do so much for you, you are not even giving me a sweet. You are a horrible person.” Finally he understood it was his fault and gave me the sweet. 

April 13, 2003

Today mommy gave me lima beans for dinner. I said I didn’t want to eat them, but mommy told me I had to. I was so angry. Mommy had been annoying for so long now and I don’t want to deal with her anymore. I threw my spoon at her and ran away. Later I went down for water and Mommy was crying a lot. I don’t understand why???

P.S: Max gave me all the sweets I asked for today. 

November 13, 2003

Exams! Exams are coming up in less than a month and I. Don’t. Understand. One. Single. Thing. It’s not for lack of trying, or maybe it is. Anyway, I need help. Max is useless- he’d let me copy his paper in a heartbeat, but he understands even less than I do. He’s probably going to fail, but that’s his problem. Back to mine.

The smartest kid in the class is also, unfortunately, the most conscientious- Alec. He wouldn’t take a bribe for the world, so I need a different strategy. I think I know what. I talked to Alec today. He was just as snobby and hard-shelled as I’d expected, but for a rather different reason. His intellect had gotten him a bunch of friends (read: suck-ups), and he was confident in them. He firmly believed he didn’t need anybody else. And what can I get him to do if he doesn’t need me?

I have a plan, though. One I’m pretty sure will be foolproof, if I’ve judged him and his friends right. Wish me all the best!

November 14, 2003

Mostly uneventful. I got the first step of my plan in action. I printed out some cheat sheets for the past few tests we had. School was okay- the teachers are setting us tons of homework in preparation for our exams, which seems counterintuitive- when will we get time to study?

November 15, 2003

Its nine in the morning and I’m executing one of the most important parts of my plan today! Good luck to me!

Ok, I’m back from school. I have so much to write, and all of it great news! Today, I took the cheat sheets I printed and went to school. Then I went and talked to each and every one of his “friends”. None of them are smart- in fact, that is, apparently, the reason they’re sticking around with Alec. He’ll never let them cheat, but he helps them study.

What an opportunity, right? Those idiots are just begging to be tricked. I pretended to be astonished. “He never lets you cheat? That’s a surprise, he always gives me the cheat sheets once he’s done.”

After that I just had to sit back and enjoy the ride. There were all these questions and angry exclamations, etc, etc. When they asked for proof, I whipped out the cheat sheets. Other than that, I just nodded and smiled and looked indignant in the right places. When they were done, I took the cheat sheets back, slipped out and went to Alec- I should probably have gone before, but the incident was too much fun to watch. I dropped my voice to a touch of sadness, ringed with sarcasm when I told Alec “You have just great friends, Alec. Guess what just happened? A bunch of them ambushed me in the hallway, telling me you had been helping me cheat in the exam!! I mean, seriously man? I haven’t even talked to you much!”, and on and on and on until Alec angrily cut me off, accusing me of lying. I walked away with a shrug.

I wish I was there to watch the fireworks when Alec next meets his friends. I’m a genius, right?

November 16, 2003

It worked! Alec was sitting alone at lunch today. Step two start: tomorrow.

November 17, 2003

I talked to Alec today. He was still snobby, but not about me, about his friends. He complained about them the entire time and was really, really talkative. Obviously, he’s always been like that. So I did what anyone would do- painted myself as the perfect listener. I talked very little, ‘hmm’ed or ‘aah’ed in the right places, and supported his opinion enthusiastically every now and then. I tell you, diary, there’s nothing like being exactly the way a person wants you to be to get them to trust you. By the end of lunch, he was telling me all his dirty secrets, the ones he admitted he had never told his friends. I’m not going to write them down though, they’re boooooooooring. Just big ol’ sob stories.

November 18, 2003

I ate with Alec again today. He obviously lives off praise, so I was pretty lavish with it. By the end of lunch, he was eating out of my hands. I dropped in a couple lines about how I wish I am as smart as him, how amazingly intelligent he is, how I’m definitely going to fail in the exam, etc. He offered to help me study. I knew that was a privilege he extended only to his closer friends, so I accepted. It isn’t quite what I’m angling for, but it’s a step. Good things come to those who wait.

November 25, 2003

I think its time to move on to the next step. Alec has been coaching me for the past 6 days, and he’s a horrible teacher- worse than the teachers we have at school, and that’s saying something. I’ve been pushing his boundaries for a few days now, asking him to teach me all his secret tricks. I think he’s flexible enough. Maybe tomorrow?

November 26, 2003

I’ve half finished my plan today, and I’m so, so tired of Alec. I’ll drop him like a dirty rag once these exams are over…or maybe not. He’ll be useful for future exams. But he’s mind-numbingly stupid. He knows everything we’re taught in school, don’t get me wrong. But he lacks common sense.

That’s useful for me, though. Today, I broached the subject with Alec. I asked him if he would help me solve the questions during the exam.

“But that’s cheating.”, was his answer.

I told him, no, it was not. Giving me the answer was cheating. Helping me reach the answer was a productive exercise for the both of us. I didn’t think it would really work, it was just a base to move on to guilt-tripping him. But, believe it or not, Alec actually was okay with it. He nodded and was all, you’re the best friend I ever had, I trust you, blah, blah. That’s the advantage of getting people to trust you- getting what you want from them is a hundred times easier.

I have a feeling Mommy’s going to be very, very happy with my scores. This is a bit of a drawback. Well, maybe I’ll overshadow Violet. That’d sort of make up for it, I guess..

April 9, 2004

Today was my 12th birthday, and I have no idea what’s happening. I was really looking forward to it, a big party with ribbons and balloons and endless opportunities to humiliate Violet. There wasnt enough food for everyone,the games were boring, the guests looked miserable, and Mommy was stressed.

I’m sure it’ll improve, though. Its my birthday, after all. Things cant go wrong. Sure, no one looked really happy when they left. And sure, I’ve hated the day so far. But, I repeat, its my birthday. Today has to be good. 

I’m signing off in anticipation. Goodbye, diary.

June 4, 2004

You will not believe what happened today. Today, I was just sitting and reading on the couch. Violet was right next to me, and I was working on ignoring her. Suddenly, she looked up, sniffed, and asked me- “Can you smell that?”

I told her no, I couldn’t. There really wasn’t any smell. But Violet was like- “Come on, you must be able to! Its so strong!”. I gave her a good strong glare, and she quickly stood up and hurried away. Guess stabbing her had its own advantages. I cant stop thinking about it, though. Could Violet really smell something I couldn’t? Stupid, stupid Violet doing something better than me.

Not a chance.

December 23, 2004

Just got home my report card. Its horrible, obviously. Of course it isn’t my fault. Its Mommy’s and my birthday restaurant, Frankie’s. it’s a lot harder to convince someone to help you cheat if they’ve had a horrible day at your party. Its possible, but difficult. I guess I didn’t really try- its sort of boring…

Anyway, have to make up some tale for Mommy. People are sympathetic to emotions- they are sort of stupid that way- so I could try playing up how upset I am. Maybe make up some story about stress, or having trouble paying attention in class; that would mean I don’t have to do any work if Mommy goes on a correctional campaign. And maybe play up how amazing a mom she is and how much I need her support right now…sounds perfect. Need to go put the plan in action now, bye.

December  24, 2004

Mommy so bought my story. I got a punishment, but only a little one, and that too was because of Violet. I was pretending to be seriously upset, and Violet came in and went on about how she saw me laughing at school today. Now Mommy thinks I don’t take my grades seriously. I was able to patch up the situation, but not enough to get out of doing the trash for a week.

 Mommy says this punishment’s supposed to help me think about my actions and regret them, but honestly? All I can think about is how Violet is going to pay.

February 7, 2005

Mommy bought me what she calls a gift, today. Worst gift ever, in my opinion. A fish. A bright orange fish in a bowl that swims around in little circles. I’ve already decided I hate it. All it does is go round and round. Mommy offered me a bird instead, but that’s even worse.

I refused to name it. Violet’s decided to call it Goldie.

February 12, 2005

I’ve decided I love fish. Sure, they seem boring at first glance, but you should watch them die. I lost patience with Goldie today. I entered the house and it was just swimming there. It was pretty much the last straw. I tipped over Goldie’s bowl.

It was so much fun to watch him flop! I almost wish he was still alive so I could do that again. Secret fact: fish make a sound when they die- an amusing little gasping noise. I reveled in that.

I told Mommy Goldie was like that when I found it. I pretended I was really sad and literally begged Mommy to get me another fish. She says she’ll get me another tomorrow. I wonder what I’ll tell Mommy when it dies the day after. Yeah, I admit, I don’t have a lot of self control…

July 13, 2005

I’ve noticed something. I’m the very best in my class at dressing, or make-up, or hairstyles, or…anything like that, really. I don’t get those boys who think its enough to have a great body or a handsome face. I know you need to advertise it. A wrinkled shirt screams carelessness, tousled hair says arrogance, and patches or stains…well. No one seems to understand the importance of good grooming, though. 

People who are better dressed, who look neat and smart, actually seem more responsible, kind and committed. Why don’t they understand? 

July 17, 2005

I just discovered the wonderful world of internet trolls. David Thorne is my new hero…that’s how people say it, right?

My mind is literally bursting with plans and ideas. I’ve done lots of insults, but that’s just for fun. Its not a real, proper troll. I’ve also sent out mails to a thousand different people advertising a new medicine…the cure for diabetes! Given them a contact number…the number of a sugar manufacturing company. Not to mention I’ve led at least a dozen forums off on meaningless threads.

This is priceless.

August 2, 2005

Mommy is so overprotective. I’m thirteen, old enough to know when I should sleep. But Mommy keeps telling me I’m too much of a night owl and forcing me to go to sleep. Who is she to tell me, anyway? i lost patience with her, today. I felt like hitting her, so that’s what I did. With all my might, too.

August 3, 2005

Today was…interesting. We went to a clinical facility to get me a neurology test. Just because I hit mommy. I couldn’t believe it. We got the results back a couple minutes ago. Apparently, my brain releases more dopamine than normal and it also overvalues it. That means I’ll do pretty much anything to get me happy. What a waste of time- I already knew that. Mommy was crying a lot and fussing today…did they tell her something they didn’t tell me?

Notes: This story is a result of research I did on psychopathy as a medical condition. Contrary to popular belief, psychopathy is a biological condition wherein the brain overvalues dopamine, leading to the person relentlessly pursuing cheap thrills and doing anything to get his/her way. Though Jack is a fictional character and the events in this story are made up, they are based on case studies of children who have been diagnosed as psychopaths.

In movies and books, psychopaths are often portrayed as serial killers or murderers. This is not true. Jack could grow up, adapting to society along the way, and even become the man next door! I have attempted to highlight this in the story- once he grew up, Jack was able to paint himself outside his home as a normal kid. It is entirely possible he would grow up to become a functioning member of society.