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“You two can call me a Thanksgiving turkey. … I’m stuffed! … Aw come on! What got into you two spoilsports? Where's that big, pretty smile you’re known for Paul?”
“I’m fine Bill. We’re just enjoying our food.”
“You don’t look like you’re enjoying it all that much. Liven up a bit, we’ve got a whole banquet in front of us! Fit for a bloody king! An entire Jazz band, basted and broiled!”
“I’m enjoying it just fine. You two start on the next course without me. Gonna get some air.”
“You know Paul. Smoking them ciggies shorten your lifespan by three years?”
“Don’t say it.”
“How old are you Paul?”
“You say the same joke every night Bill, I’m not going along with it again. It got annoying about the second time you said it.”
“Aw go on. How old are you?”
“You know how god damn old I am Bill! Just once can you let me have a fag in peace?”
“Come on Paul, that’s no way to speak to him. He’s your own flesh and blood. Sit down and eat.”
“Fine. But I’m telling you David, if he makes the same joke to me one more time, I’m going to slap the shit outta him.”
“Come on man! I’m just tryna lift the spirits here. Didn’t even get to finish it.”
“He’s just a little tired from the hunt Billy, don’t worry about him. One of them stabbed him in the leg, you know.”
“That’s bullshit David! None of those hippies even had a knife, and you know it. When are you going to admit that you shot me with that bow?”
“They were Americans, of course they had weapons. Over there they don’t even get their mail without one.”
“It’s true Paul! I saw it in a movie once!”
“Then explain why we didn’t find a knife on them while collecting their things? What happened to it David? Did it just grow legs and fuck off?”
“Maybe I was wrong. Perhaps the bloke just up and bit you. You know how they can get. And to think they call us savages.”
“Oh he bit me did he?”
“Maybe he did.”
“I don’t know, this fucking hole in my leg dosen’t look like a bit mark to me. You know what it looks like? An arrow. The kind I had to buy for you so you could use that stupid fucking bow because you’re too stingy to buy an actual gun. Honestly? He bit me? In the 20 years I walked this Earth I’ve never heard something so stupid.”
“Coulda walked for 23 years if you hadn’t started smoking them ciggies.”
“I had to use the bow! The crazy bastard was about to bite you Paul. That’s very dangerous you know, could’ve ended up in the hospital. And if I did have a gun you probably wouldn’t still have a thigh left.”
“Oh so you finally admit it? Why don’t you just go and stab me in the back too while you’re at it?”
“He’s got a point Davie. That would be thematically linked.”
“Look. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m flawed. Did I see my little brother being accosted by a demented jazz musician and take a hasty shot? Maybe I did. But can you really hold it against me? I just don’t want to see my family get hurt. So how about we all sit down and enjoy eating these fine fellows?”
“Fine.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“Hey Davie! Look! This un had a tattoo!”
“Oh so he does. Proves my point really. Only real monsters get tattoos. No sane person would have a needle stab them over and over to write ... 'I heart mom' on their skin."
“I wanna get a tattoo. A big tiger or or maybe a sea monster or summin.”
“Billy.”
“What?”
“I’m not having any brother of mine getting tattooed.”
“Whaddya mean?”
“It’s wrong. Immoral. It goes against everything this family stands for.”
“But … we are monsters?”
“You better watch your tongue boy.”
“Well. Cannibalism is wrong ain’t it?”
“And what’s that meant to mean?”
“Hey, I love white meat as much as the two of you combined, probably more. Still I know killin’ people is a bit mean.”
“Wait Bill, you think it’s wrong but you do it anyway?”
“Well yeah? A man’s gotta eat.”
“I respect that.”
“No you don’t respect that. There is nothing wrong with eating people! Those people are on our land. We’re just protecting it and making sure their meat doesn't go to waste. End of.”
“I thought we killed em because he looked tasty. No way these hippies would hurt our land. Look! This un has a tree tattoo on his … leg I think!”
“Yeah about the killing then David eh? Even if eating them isn’t wrong then what about hunting them when they’re not on our land. Try and lie your way out of this one.”
“Come on Paul, you’re not one of these fools who thinks it’s cruel are you? They got a real invigorating chase through the forest and then a nice warm bath to relax with all the onions and dumplings in the pot with them. Hell, they’ve got to enjoy knowing they’re going to bring happiness to us. Honestly. What has gotten into you two? Must’ve been someone you ate.”
“I don’t think much about it. That’s just how we live. Still, Bill has a point.”
“Look. Boys. I admire your sincerity. Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not. But if we weren’t meant to eat people then we wouldn’t have been made of meat.”
“Still don’t see what that means I can’t get a tattoo.”
“Tattoos are for criminals and sinners!”
“Ain’t nothing wrong with sinners! I fried some of em for you the other day and I didn’t hear you say nothin.”
“Listen, boys. I’ve had just about enough of this conversation. How about we put this behind us for the second time tonight and agree to disagree eh? Even if you think we’re not good people, at least the ones we’re eating are! I think it was Jesus that said ‘you are what you eat’.”
“I can’t argue with Jesus.”
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