"My First Love"

June 30, 2005

Dear Diary,

 Last night was my first high school party. I was super nervous and shy at first – I didn’t talk much to anyone. I was about to call it a night when I saw him from across the fire. I had heard people talk about him before, many people who had met him personally or knew someone that had. It was always negative. You have to watch out for him, he’s no good for anyone. He’s a trouble maker and he leaves nothing but heartache and pain where ever he goes. I was a little hesitant to be introduced to a stranger through someone I had only met a couple times in school. But there’s a first for everything, right?

 I was not disappointed. He made me feel things I’ve never felt before. For the first time in my life, I know what pure joy is. Everyone in his presence was elated. We laughed, danced and sang the night away. Time stood still and moved incredibly fast at the same time. The sun coming up was the only indication that it was time to leave. I’m still on top of the world, and it’s been hours since the party ended. I cannot wait to be with him again, I think I will try to see if he’s available tonight.

July 7, 2005

Dear Diary

 I have not been able to get a hold of him for a week or so now. I find myself feeling lost without him. I know I only met him once, but he consumes my thoughts. I think it makes it worse not being with him and not knowing when or if I’ll see him again.

July 31, 2005

Dear Diary

 It has been a month since I’ve seen him and I was starting to feel like I was moving on. Like the feelings I had that night were blown way out of proportion. But I heard from a girl at work that he’s going to be at a party I was invited to tonight. The mere mention of him sent electricity surging through my body. I guess I wasn’t really over him after all.

August 1, 2005

Dear Diary

 He is just as amazing as I remember. My thoughts and dreams of him did him no justice. We hung out all night, in the company of so many people who hold him in the highest regard. These people know him really well, and they have nothing but glorious things to say about him. Things like how he brings passion and adventure to their lives. They’ve never felt as content as they do when they’re with him. I don’t blame them, I’m quickly finding that I feel the same way about him. As a matter of fact, from the moment I was introduced to him, I was hooked and I can’t wait to be with him again.

August 8, 2005

Dear Diary

 A few days ago, we spent the night together, just him and I. Every time I touched him, thrill, excitement and comfort coursed through my body. I long for the pleasure I had when he was inside me, floating in the clouds – weightless. I am in love. Every minute, of every day I am thinking of him and I yearn to be with him, to have my hands all over him.

January 1, 2006

Dear Diary

 We are inseparable. I have spent every waking minute with him. I’m pretty certain that I can’t go a single day without him. I’m having so much fun in a state of euphoria that some days I don’t even go to school or work. I’ve lost a couple different jobs but I don’t really care, jobs are easy to get. Sometimes I am so consumed with the sheer bliss of being with him, I don’t sleep for a week. It’s amazing all the things I get done now. I’ve even lost some weight, no one will call me chubby again! The only thing that brings me down is when my parents send their creepy friends in suits to spy on us. I see them through my window, usually late at night. I have confronted them about it a few times but they always deny it.

June 30, 2006

 Dear Diary

 I’ve missed a lot of school this year. It looks like I will not graduate and will have to go back in the fall. I don’t even care because my parents have said I cannot be with him anymore. They are like all the crazy people who said he was no good. But they don’t know him like I do, they don’t understand how in love I am. He is my everything.

July 1, 2006

Dear Diary

 I got fired from my new job just because I missed a few days here and there. They also said customers complained that I was too lively, loud and cheery (May-be they used diffrent words but they mean the same thing) They also accused me of steeling money from the till but that’s ridiculous. And they can’t prove it cause no body saw and they don’t have cameras. To make matters worse, my parents cut my allowance off cause they say i’m not responsible enough with my money and they were ‘disappointed’ that I couldn’t hold down a job. At least I still have HIM xoxo

July 30, 2006

Dear Diary

 My parents found out I took money from mums purse and some jewelry from there closet. they threatened to send me away so I left. I dontt know where I’ll go. I’m glad we can be to gether with out any one judging us I was hoping to meet up with sum of our old buddyz but most of them don’t seem to want us around. They must be upset about a few of our frends dying recently.

Sept. 7, 2006

Dear Diry

 i have been sleping in an abandonned church down town. it is full of peeple like me who gave up every thing to be with the one they love. most days, I wander aim lessly – hoping to pick up a job or 2 so I can be with him again.

On the other dayz, I am sick to my stomack. Worried that I will never bee with him again but also terrifyed that I will.

iam starting to realize that there was more truthe to him being badd than I wanted to beleeve. It seems the last cuple months with him have only brott pain and tears. I miss my family, I miss my self b4 him. He no longer brings me the joy he once did.

i feel helpless and hopeless, like there is no point to anything - that the world is just full of doom -

but I know i will trekk on, ending every day in his gripp

November 30, 2006

Dear Diary

 He has taken everything from me. I have nothing left to give. The scars I have from him run deeper than the sores on my arms and face. My mind is cloudier than my teeth are yellow. The weight loss I was once proud to achieve has passed the point of being healthy. I am no longer happy to stay up all night dancing in his arms. I am praying for sleep and I wish I had the motivation to get out of bed. The feelings of pure ecstasy and satisfaction I once felt because of him have been replaced by depression and anger. I know I need to be rid of him, I know I need help.

 I woke up in the hospital some time ago. They said I had been there awhile already. Apparently, I had a stroke and overdosed.

 I wish I could go back to when I first met Meth, knowing what I know now. Knowing that eventually, the one I loved so deeply, so strongly would try to kill me. I don’t want to remember the pain, despair, the moments of pure happiness and the longing for more. But it is true what they say, “you never forget your first love.”

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