Tears shed on the rubies

Sitting and blankly staring at the wall was all Lana could do or at least that was all, the nurse had told her she could do. Her shoe traced the outlines of the grey square tiles that the hospital floor was covered with. Her hands were shaking. Her whole body was, in fact, as if she was an autumn leaf being carried out and about by fierce gales. Her blue incandescent eyes pierced through the room, judging every single person and object they could land their gaze on. Her shoulders sunk. Everything in the way she looked contradicted each other, but that wasn’t anything unusual for the woman.

Some would argue she was too young to be called that, that twenty-one is the age for a lady, not a woman. Her aunt was definitely a part of the “some” list Lana kept in her head. Her aunt wasn’t a bad person, on the other hand, she always helped as many people as she could without expecting anything in return. No, Aunt Blaire was a good person. But not to Lana. Over years that stretched in the decade, Lana has never felt love from her aunt, love that small (in all senses) girl was promised to have. Aunt Blaire had high expectation for her niece, which the latter almost never achieved. The failures left heartbroken both, the woman and the girl.

There was another factor that would constantly get on Lana’s nerves and that was her cousins. Aunt Blaire had two children: one boy and one girl which meant that the comparison between her and them won’t be escaped. Lana had to be good at sports like Anya and as smart as Josh to earn at least a bit of respect from her aunt and obviously, she was neither. It was quite unfair how Aunt Blaire never took into account artistic skills because Lana was a good artist, but that didn’t earn her the needed approval from the only blood relatives she has had left. She was a talented painter and dancer, but she rarely mentioned it; people didn’t care.

The perfect white walls of the hospital danced and circled, circled and danced, just like she would in her ballet lessons, around Lana making her dizzy and claustrophobic. The beeping sound of the machines that transmitted from the wards put her head under an even bigger pressure. She gasped for some air. She wondered how many people are in the coma at the moment in this hospital, besides the one who owns her whole heart (metaphorical heart, not the organ). The wheels of some apparatuses being moved around made very weird and unpleasant noise, making Lana feel like her ears would soon be left with no other choice than to start bleeding. By taking deep breathes, she tried to get herself to her normal state, or as normal as possible at least, but headache only got worse from the smell of medicine. She wondered if she’d make it out alive.

“Thinking about some bullshit and I’m not even the one lying in the ward in calamitous condition. I’m not someone anyone should be worried for now” she thought.

Lana combed through her memories, trying to replay the whole day from the start to the end, but she couldn’t make it to the end. The memory loop would stop on the moment of tires squealing and her mind didn’t seem to want to go further. When she was young and couldn’t remember what’s happened, her mother (back when her heart was still beating) would tell her to ‘go backwards’: “Start at the moment you’re right now and step by step make your way back to where you need”. It’s not as easy to do when whatever you have to remember is so unpleasant, but she decided to try anyways, fore her mother at least.

“I’m currently at the hospital. Why? Because my friend got into a car crush and I’m waiting for the doctor to give me some information on how Beatrix is doing. Beatrix means “blessed” and Lana means “calm as still waters”. I’m definitely not anywhere near to being calm. I hope Beatrix is blessed enough to get another chance at life.

How did I get here? The ambulance car took me along with Beatrix. They couldn’t pull me away from her body. They didn’t try much; their focus was to get the injured one to the hospital as quickly as possible in order to properly treat her and if that meant taking me with them, they would.

Before the car crash came though, there was more. Beatrix and she were walking to their favourite café to talk about everything and nothing, which both of them loved. Beatrix had her hair tied in a bun and she wore black coat which suited her nails. She was in love with fashion.”

Lana’s heart broke for what seemed like a thousandth time today. It tore itself to shreds every time she had to put ‘was’ after Beatrix. They don’t go together. They never should. Her hands trembled, going backwards was an onerous task which Lana didn’t think she would succeed in. She licks her lips to calm herself down. She closed her eyes, in hopes of getting back to the flashback. Taste of nicotine lingered on her tongue.

“I should stop smoking. She should’ve looked both ways before stepping that damn road.

There Trix is. Alive. So near. I could feel myself grinning; she hated when I called her Trix. Has she ever been so close. I can stretch my hand and it’s going to touch her shoulder. There’re lots of people near flashlight, all are waiting for green to announce they could cross the street. Two or three decided not to waste time and go on red. They looked both ways before going. Trix didn’t. She always said it’s useless to look for a car before stepping on a crosswalk. Why was she co careless?

Beatrix takes my hand and tries to pull me in. As a person with terrible anxiety and a pretty decent common sense, I decided that trying to cross the road while the streetlight is still at red might not be the best idea. Beatrix just rolled her eyes and smiled her brightest smile. Her foot stepped on the road, but the second one didn’t have time to do so; it’s been interrupted with a scream. Beatrix’s scream. She was lying at the ground now. Her glasses were broken, and the glass mixed up with the blood, making the scene look like it’s just young woman lying with her head on the rubies. I wanted to vomit from the sight of it”

Lana didn’t feel any better after replaying the story back in her head, maybe because it’s just a hoax there and nothing more than that. Physically, she was at the hospital, clutching the arms of a white plastic chair but her mind was far away from the place. Her mind looked at sparkling under the sun rubies. Her mind was back at the start.