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TW: domestic abuse
“You are running behind the date and listen to me Alex, this isn’t your first time and so I don’t need to hear another excuse from your side. Finish the script as soon as you can and mail it to me after all, you have reached the ending and I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take much time to finish the rest of it” Jake spoke through the phone with his usual self, contemplating whether he needs to change his script writer for the 100th time that week. Alex, though a flawless writer took too much time to finish and has put him into many awkward situations with various sponsors but never was he sorry for it because his writings were always on the top with the best-selling records set high each year.
People had always commented on his strange affection for Alex but he had always brushed it off like it was easy, always fooling himself than anyone else. He had met Alex for the first time when he changed schools in 11th grade. He was the most handsome boy in their class and to top that Alex asked him on a date too saying he was impressed with the way Jake spoke English. Jake smiles to himself thinking of a sweet but simple memory.
Alex wasn’t simple and nothing with him was too, he wasn’t a solution for an answer instead he was the question, just like those never-ending questions asked by a little kid. He was sometimes silent and unchanging like a calm sea and only spoke through writings but other times he was the bubbly, squeaky personality with a great talent on making people laugh, no matter which situation they are in. He leaned back into the chair to think of their beautiful moments.
I like You (6 years before)
Alex walked down the lane in his school uniform, holding his bag a bit tighter than he needed because of an obnoxious dream he had of his bag being snatched away by someone only to spill the contents in his bag, which obviously was the love letters he wrote to Jake. It was the last day of school, since the summer vacation was about to begin from the next day. Alex wanted to catch one last sight of Jake before he goes home.
He didn’t want to be caught red handed and that too in school where his mother was the teacher. His eyes searched for a certain brown one in between a pool of adolescent boys hanging around the parking lot. The last bell had rung and everyone was hurrying their way towards home while he was waiting to catch one last glimpse of him.
“Looking for me” he heard a familiar voice behind him. He turned his body in shock to hit a sturdy chest and he winced in pain because of his nose and rubbed it slowly.
“I’m sorry I must have startled you, are you alright” He asked him reaching out to his waist and putting him firmly on ground. He leaned forward to his nose and looked at it, too close for his heart to take.
He took a step back blushing, forgetting about the pain excruciating from the nose, all too excited to feeling him close by and acknowledging how he felt. Jake always knew what to say even though he spoke only a little that people might actually think he was mute.
“I’m fine, I better go. My mother... She’s um waiting for me near… the... canteen. See you later” Alex spoke in indefinite tones, which Jake understood very easily and rushed to grab his hand before he makes a random excuse and run away, after all that was what he has been doing since the last 4 times they met. He wanted to know if Alex felt the same way he did.
He wanted to know if his heartbeat raised whenever he was nearby like his did, he wanted to know if he was excited about catching a glimpse of him every break like he does, he wanted to know if his eyes searched for him in every crowd, they were stuck together.
“Please don’t leave, yet” Jake told her to which he blushed and turned back slowly. Alex pushed his bangs around her forehead towards the back of his ear and looked up to meet his favorite pair of eyes.
He remembers telling to his best friend John how he adored looking at them.
He stared at them long enough for him to cough so that he would pay a bit more attention to the details.
“Why” he asked innocently
Jake could see how nervous he was, especially when he started twisting her fingers, he had always had this habit, of twisting his finger every time he gets nervous in class, mostly when the teacher asks a question which Alex doesn’t know the answer to.
“Oh, I think you know why” Jake said in a playful tone teasing him to which he blushed hardly and Jake could feel it rush to his ears.
“I…. I” Alex wanted to speak and tell him how he feels but the embarrassment of a rejection kept him from saying it, after all he had to face him for one more year.
Alex looked at Jake’s tie, not properly aligned with the shirt and without thinking twice he raised his hands to align them properly. Jake was surprised at the sudden courage and kept looking at his eyes to meet it at odd intervals seeing a playful smile on his face.
His heartbeat was rising, faster than it usually does and he knows why. Alex tied it and threw off a few dust particles stuck in his shirt and looked into his eyes.
“I like you” he spoke, knowing he might regret it if things went downhill but he had to speak his heart out, tell Jake how he feels because the more he kept it hidden the more he couldn’t breathe around him.
Feelings were strange, they sometimes make you do things you wouldn’t want to do in the first place but nevertheless you end up doing them.
1st Anniversary (5 years before)
Jake took him to one of the most famous cafes near their school. Alex had always loved artistic cafes and the small artists who always seemed to have offered more than any big-time ones. And Jake knew that better than anyone else did.
Jake wanted their first anniversary to be special and so he planned a surprise for him. He knew Alex’s love for writing and poetry. He always loved going to poetry slams and letting his heart out. He decided to do a slam poetry just for him at the stage today. Fridays were always days for slam poetry at the café and he booked a slot a week before just to perform in front of Alex
He was nervous and his hands sweating, he tried rubbing off the sweat with his handkerchief but all of them were a failed effort until Alex put his hand on his hand and looked at him. Jake never spoke much, let alone got on a stage to perform and so being anxious would be an understatement
“Are you alright?” he asked him looking straight into his eyes. Alex had noticed how strange Jake had acted ever since they came to the café. He seemed nervous, so he reached for his hand and asked him was he alright until he heard his name being called.
Jake woke up and smiled at Alex anxiously and went on to the stage where a podium was kept. Jake was wearing a striped shirt with white coat pants. He looked as handsome as ever and he could hear girls whispering across the room as he walked.
He opened his phone and then started speaking “Hi everyone, my name is Jake and I will be doing a poetry slam about love and the person who taught me that. Today is my one-year anniversary with my boyfriend Alex who is sitting over there. I wrote this in the past couple of weeks and I’m so much nervous and excited at the same time. I hope the poem speaks the best to you Alex”
“If I should start writing about you, I wouldn't really know where to begin from.
It’s not a particular memory that I want to recall for its special for me to remember about you.
It’s about a fine line of thoughts into how we both formed a friendship.
One that I want to treasure.
If I could bottle up the memories since the day, I met you, I would keep them close to my heart and never let it float away in pieces.
If there is a time that I would remember to be the happiest person the earth, then I would start with the days you held me close like I was fragile.
Too easy to break and too easy to hurt.
I wouldn't mind being the person you call up 2 am in the morning because you couldn't find your Nutella jar.
I wouldn't mind being the one who gave you extra tips on how not to procrastinate when all I could write was poetry on my over thinking.
I wouldn't mind being your sober driver to all your night outs of heart breaks, because I couldn't help pulling your hair up every time you got sick.
If only I could reach out to you and tell you how much it would mean to me if you could find yourselves in the chaos the world has to offer.
Then you would find me at the end of the tunnel where light never went out and hope shines brightly than ever”.
Change (4 years before)
Alex had always felt something went terribly wrong ever since Jake joined work, it was not simply a new circle of friends that worried him but the kind of habits which he learned from them that kept him worrying about their future
Jake wasn’t someone who always took control of the decisions Alex made nor he made any sort of comment on it, but now it wasn’t the same. Jake started to have opinions about them, questions were asked which no longer showed justice to the amount of trust they had on each other.
Jake came home late night, sometimes drunk, sometimes high on things even google cannot seem to find. Alex no longer could see the innocent guy who he fell in love with at high school.
Alex always tried fighting to keep their relationship alive, he never complained about his way of life, he never tried fighting his choices until he made a horrible mistake of slapping him away when he merely asked him why he came home late.
“Jake...” Alex spoke with tears rushing through his eyes, it wasn’t the pain that made him tear up but it was the absolute disrespect and the trust that lost its way among the chaos.
Jake wasn’t aware of his mistake until he woke up the next morning to see Alex curled up in the corner of the room.
Jake realized he was not in a position to comfort him, when he knew he was the cause of his discomfort. He left for office before he woke up. After all he was a man of few words
This continued for days until this slapping became a routine, Until Alex could no longer take the abuse, until he asked for help.
(Flashback over)
Two more days into waiting, he saw Alex walk down the road with an envelope in his hand and he felt a strange feeling gather at the lower end of his stomach. He hasn’t felt this since they had broken up a year before. Maybe it’s because it’s the first time he is seeing him after the breakup he thought to himself. He walked down and asked him to have coffee with him to which he was hesitant to say yes but agreed with his persistent persuasion.
“How are you Alex” Jake asked his as soon as they sat down after ordering their regulars. Jake noticed Alex wearing the beige shirt he had gifted him on his 21st birthday, he paired it up with white loose pants. He looked professional not wanting to making a false impression on him for his sudden visit after a year of their break up. He looked up to me with a pain in his face, as if jake already know the answer to my question.
“Why bother asking when you know the answer, Jake?” he answered me with a question, nothing was simple and I guess it never will be.
“It’s been a year Alex, cannot forgive me?”
“Please stop calling me that”
“Can you or not forgive me?” I spoke my sound louder each time
“Bye” he said and walked out before I could speak. he had kept the envelop on the table. I opened it and saw a letter addressed to me.
(TW/Abuse)
Dear Jake
I am not sure if I can ever call you ‘dear’ anymore Jake. I know this is the cliché me writing you every time instead of saying it to your face. I find comfort in writing; it helps me release my pain which I have holding on for so long. Sometimes in life you meet people and then you feel this strange connection with them, the kind of ones you see in movies or read in books about. That was how I felt when we got together. You never failed to show me your love yet you became the very thing that I was afraid of in my entire life.
You were everything I wanted and my whole world was you and the fact that all of my books were about you would be no surprise to you but I am not able to write an ending for my last book. Yes, I am not going to be writing anymore because my world has come to an end. What I have treasured the most in my heart became the very thing I hated about my existence.
There was no difference in the way you treated me even after knowing my abusive father and the childhood he ruined for me and the innocence I lost. I saw my father in you the first time you slapped me, I thought it was going to stop but it never did. All I could see when I look at you was my father. Love then became the cruelest thing someone can give to another. You changed what love meant to me. I never had the courage to say this to you because I was afraid and I still am but I know that I won’t be seeing you ever again in my life. So here is my confession letter from the 23-year-old me who lost his way among the wolves and the bad men and could never find his way back.
Perhaps the world then ended for me that day.
No more love
Alex
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