The Book

“Don’t cry. Do not cry,” Abby whispered to herself as she sank down to the floor. The shelves dug into her spine one by one as she slid down and drew her knees to her chest. She could feel the tears threatening to fall and she knew as much as she tried, she wouldn’t be able to blink them back. They grew heavier and heavier until she felt them escape and roll down her cheeks. She drew her hands up to her face and wiped her eyes with her knuckles, feeling the warm wetness against her skin. More tears welled up and she fought to keep them in. She lost the battle and they too spilled down her cheeks. This time she just let them drip down her face and off of her chin.

“Great,” her inner monologue scolded her. “Now you’re crying in the self help section of the library. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any more pathetic.”

Abby took a deep breath. “Think happy thoughts,” she told herself. “Pull it together. Focus on finding a book.” She ran her finger over the shelf, perusing the titles. Her finger left a small trail in the bit of gray dust that had collected on the shelf and she wiped the gray grit off of her finger onto her dark denim shorts.

Crying in the library was not even close to the lowest low she had felt lately. Last night was the icing on the cake. August, her on again off again boyfriend of over two years, had asked her out to dinner. He had been a little distant lately, but she knew this would be what she was waiting for. He was finally ready to commit. Maybe he would even give her a ring? She was cautiously optimistic but at the same time didn’t want to get her hopes up too high. She had spent hours getting ready for a perfect evening: waxing, brushing, scrubbing, polishing. When she met him at the restaurant (he was coming from work so he couldn’t pick her up), she walked in with confidence and her head held high.

Or so she thought.

“Are you ok?” August had asked, a look in his eyes that suggested slight concern mixed with disdain. “You have a weird look on your face. Are you wearing the shoes that are too tight again?”

Ugh. She assured him she was fine.

Dinner didn't exactly get better from there. August excitedly discussed his upcoming summer plans-trips to hike in the mountains with friends, rock climbing adventures, and a visit to his mother in Kentucky. The one thing he failed to mention at all in these plans? Abby.

She tried to plaster a smile on her face and nod and ask questions about his upcoming adventures, but each time he talked about something new her stomach dropped a little more. Finally, he stopped his excited chatter and looked at her again with concern. “Are you sure you’re ok?”

She didn’t want to get into it again because she knew how this went. She took a deep breath and looked down at the table, stammering quietly, “I just…wish maybe we could make some plans…you know…together.”

He signed. “Abby, I like you. Really. We have so much fun together. But you know I’m not in a place where I want to commit to anything. Or get serious. I just want to have fun, isn’t that enough? We don’t have to spend every waking minute together.”

That stung. They saw each other a couple of times a week, sometimes spent a night or weekend together. It was far from every minute.

She nodded. “Yeah, I know. It’s fine. I was maybe going to visit Katherine in Texas anyway. Get away for a bit.” The lie flowed out of her mouth before she could even realize what she was saying. She did want to go visit her best (and let’s face it-pretty much her only) friend who had recently moved away. But she had held out hope that this summer would be full of romance and the togetherness she had craved from August since she first saw his shining light brown eyes and boyish grin across the room during a party at a mutual friend’s house.

“Yeah, see?” he nodded. “You go your way, I go mine, and then we meet up together when we get a chance. It’s perfect!”

Abby’s mind pulled her back out of the restaurant and into the present. The smell of old books, usually a comforting and peaceful smell, invaded her nostrils and she realized she was still in the library self help section, sitting on the floor staring into space. She had come here for advice on how to get her life together. It wasn’t just August either. She was in a dead end job, lived in a small apartment with a crazy roommate named Lilith who she was pretty certain didn’t like her and was possible plotting to get her to move out, and argued almost daily with her overbearing and too involved mother. She didn’t know what she was expecting to find. A book about how to change your entire life and be happy? Now that she was here, she realized she didn’t believe that happiness could be found in a book anyway. “This was a bad idea,” she thought to herself. “I need to fix things myself. I should just call August and maybe plan a vacation we can go on together. He’ll come around if we just can discuss it more. And I’ll ask my boss again for a raise and talk to her about that promotion. I’m sure I’m just being paranoid about Lilith. And my mother loves me, she is just trying to help. It will be fine.”

She knew she was lying to herself but she steeled her resolve and reached to the upper shelf to pull herself up. As she did, a gleaming white book spine caught her eye with bright bold red letters.

‘FOR ABBY’ she could have sworn she saw glaring up at her from the shelf.

Abby did a double take and glanced back to where she had seen the book out of the corner of her eye.

That’s impossible, she decided. She glanced back down and saw the white book. It was still in pristine shape, still white, and had big red letters down the side. ‘CHANGE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND BE HAPPY’ is what the title actually read. She started to grab it and realized it had no library binding, no catalog sticker or barcode, no author listed. “This is so strange,” she thought to herself. Then she saw the finger trail in the dust on the shelf. She realized just a moment ago she had been looking in this exact spot. She was certain that book had not been there when she had been looking through them. “I must have been more distracted than I thought,” she said to herself.

She pulled the book off the shelf. The cover was also plain white, and still had no author or other information listed. She wondered if someone else had left it there on accident. She was intrigued. She flipped open the hard cover cautiously. There was no title page, no publisher information. Just a dedication page with a single sentence.

‘For Abby,’ it read. ‘I know this is just what you need. Now go change your life! –Anonymous’

Abby’s eyes widened. Her stomach dropped and she felt her heart start racing. Somehow, she knew this book was meant for her. She snapped the cover closed and headed towards the check out counter.

The woman at the counter smiled as she approached. Abby handed her the book. “I’d like to check this out.”

The library worker took the book and inspected both covers, inside and out. “This isn’t ours,” she declared. “I’ve never seen it before and I’ve worked here a long time. Someone must have left it.”

Abby paused, not knowing what to do. “I guess I’ll take it down to the lost and found,” she said lamely. The lady gave her a knowing look and nodded as she handed the book back. Abby grabbed it and practically ran down the steps, her heart pounding in her chest. There was no way she was putting it in the lost and found. She felt a small pang of guilt for lying and, quite possibly, theft, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that her finding the book was fate. She ran out into the parking lot and climbed into her car.

With shaking hands, she opened the book. There was the dedication page again. A blank page. And then the book began with Chapter One.

Abby’s eyes widened when she saw the title of Chapter One. ‘Am I dreaming?’ she wondered. ‘I have to be dreaming. Or hallucinating. This cannot be real.’ She pinched herself for good measure. She looked back down but the words were still there.

                                              CHAPTER ONE

Let Go of a Toxic Relationship with Someone Who Won’t Commit

Abby took a deep breath and read the first line out loud. “It’s true what they say: Don’t make someone a priority who treats you as an option.”

As the words sank in, she knew it was true. She wasn’t a priority to August. She cared for him so much though. It wouldn’t be easy to let him go. She gasped as she read the next line.

“It won’t be easy to let them go.”

Tears welled up in her eyes again, but this time she felt something new. Hope. And resolve. She would figure it out. She would figure it ALL out. It was time to change her life and be happy. And this book was just the beginning.