A Day in May

I look at the clock and see that it is 1:45pm, and I realized that I have not left my house in two days. I glance outside of my kitchen window and see that it is a beautiful spring day. It is too glorious of a day to stay indoors so I make a plan to do something. I do not like to be alone for too long, I need to get outdoors and just be around people. I remind myself that it is really loneliness that I am trying to escape, and the repetition of days that can slowly drive someone crazy. I have friends that I can call and chat with but I'm almost certain that on days like today, they are not available. So, I pick up my phone and I send a few texts to Judy. I put my phone down but my compulsion to my phone causes me to pick it up again to reread what I wrote.

"On this brilliantly warm spring day, I decide to have a picnic at my local park. I pack some water, some grapes, some cheese from the local shoppe that just opened, some salami, and half a roll of the French baguette I have had my eye on. I put everything into my knapsack and I begin walking to the park."

"Today has been a very good day for me, I think to myself. I woke up at the first ding in the alarm and I found out that I still had some k-cup coffee left, which I didn't think was possible. Then, after a delicious breakfast and some catching up on the news, I decided to take my picnic because I needed some air."

"Yes, this brilliant air. The air that fills my lungs and makes my senses sing. This air that is filled with promises of summer and of more glorious days ahead. The fresh, crisp air that makes me feel alive. The...- ugh. I passed by the Italian restaurant, you know which. Look at those people smoking on the patio of that restaurant. Isn't that illegal, nowadays? Don't they have any consideration for others? I sigh, what can I really do. Remember that restaurant, with the striped green and white awning? I can still taste the linguine with clam sauce. Give everyone my love, Juds. Come visit me soon. xox"

I put my phone away back into my pocket and say a quick prayer. I am not sure why, but I believe it's the internal optimist in me.

Looking around, I notice that this neighborhood has definitely changed since I had moved in almost 40 years ago. Judy and I used to frequent all of the farmers markets on Saturday morning- picking up the ripest tomatoes, the juiciest fruit, and occasionally some French pastry to remind us of our honeymoon. Judy and I were young, careful, and unaware of all the pitfalls yet to come. We tried to check out all of the local restaurants and pretend we were food critics, when we really didn't know anything about anything. Since we first moved into the neighborhood, our lovely views of the city skyline have been interrupted by luminous high-rises. With it, the influx of the young, urban crowd have made a lot of my favorite stores and restaurants disappear which causes me great sadness. I know that it is inevitable, as most things are, but there needs to be a limit. Some people need change, I understand that, but the loss of someone's home, their comfort zones, their memories are all tied to the old. It's hard to watch places that you have gone to with loved ones just vanish with blatant disregard for others. But, luckily, one thing that can always remain somewhat the same is the park.

I reached the park and found a shady spot under a tree. Evening will be approaching soon, but since the day is longer, I can enjoy the sunshine a bit more. This is my favorite area in the park, away from all the chaos of the playground but close to the water fountain and restrooms. I take off my knapsack to unpack the picnic feast I had prepared for myself. I survey the groups of people around me and realize I am the only one who is alone. I am alright with that. I even managed to bring a blanket to lay on since I usually nap in the afternoons, anyway. After a hearty lunch, I can take my nap in the sunshine. I've always been the practical sort, I pride myself on it. I lay out my picnic setup and prepare lunch. This is just the type of day that would have made Judy smile, I remind myself.

I glance again at my phone and see that Judy has not answered my texts. Of course she won't, you crazy old fool. And you know why. Yes, I chide myself. I am well aware that she won't answer. I just miss her, ok. I'm lonely and I am not used to the new normal. Judy should be here enjoying this with me.

I lay down to enjoy the breeze but I can't stop the internal voice that has been plaguing me all day. How long has it been? It's been 6 months. Have you written thank you cards to the doctors? No, should I? I'll have to ask around to see if that it actually something you do. You know you have to clean out her closet. No, I am not ready. You know she would have wanted you to get out more. I am out, aren't I? I am taking advantage of the day.

Before I was able to finish my thought, my cell phone pinged and I saw that I had a new text message. I opened it up and saw it was from Judy. In my horror, I dropped my head back into the ground and couldn't think of what to do next. A million thoughts began to race around in my mind and none of them were positive.