It Didn’t Matter, She Liked You

 ”You didn’t need to bring that up,” I mutter. We nearly reach her car when I speak up. Mya turns her head to meet my eyes. 

 “Bring up what?” She asks. Stuffing her wallet back into her pocket, she pulls out her phone. 

 “What you said about my…” I pause like I‘ve been frozen. “…my crush.”

 She begins typing on her phone, not even looking up she says, 

 ”It wasn’t a big deal-” 

 “You made me look like a creep! When have I ever ‘stalked her Instagram for hours’? It was as if you wanted her to run away.”

 I couldn’t even tell what I was saying. It came out like an avalanche, tipped over by just one pebble.

 ”You just get nervous for no reason, I doubt she even cared,” Mya responds. She tries to open the car door, but I’m still going.

 “Before we even set foot in the restaurant I told you not to embarrass me! Especially on purpose! I would never bring up something so stupid about you,” I start to tear up. I tell myself to calm down, but I’m still seeing the dinner play out in my head, over and over.

 Mya was the one who invited me. It was my choice to go. She said it would be the “only chance I would get to talk to Sarah.” It was just Mya and I with Sarah and her friend. Mya knew I liked her, that I crumbled at the idea of her not liking me back. 

 “I doubt you ever would have met with her on your own, you don’t do well with these things. It’s like I have to hold your hand anytime you speak with someone!” Mya fires back.

 She knows I’m not good with meeting people. It’s like torture trying to talk to them, what do they expect me to ask? It’s not as easy as she says. It’s as if she was handed this ability on a silver platter. She called me an introvert that needed a little push. The “push” she gave me was equivalent to throwing me off of a cliff. 

 The way they all laughed when I forgot how to speak when Sarah asked me a question. My brain felt all over the place, like she had reached in torn it all apart.

 “Why can’t you just ever shut your mouth! You always tell me that I don’t speak up, maybe it’s just because you can’t shut up!” Now I’m opening the car door, it would be better to end it here. The sooner I get to my house, the less damage done. I step in and slam it behind me.

 ‘You know it’s okay to be nervous, I was scared to come here with you guys, too.’ Sarah had said to me. Maybe it was the way she kept tapping her shoe against mine under the table or looking at me while I tried to avoid eye contact, but something was going on. It felt like someone was so close that I could feel them, but yet I was so alone. 

 “If you just tried to be normal for once, maybe you could take a joke,” she glances around before getting inside. If she hadn’t gotten in, I would be driving away right now, with or without a license.

 ‘It’s fine she thought it was funny.’ Mya had whispered to me. She practically told them I was a stalker, how was I supposed to respond. I chuckled coldly, trying to show a bit of emotion. I’m a disaster, was Sarah laughing at me? Was she trying to laugh with me? It wasn’t funny, this didn’t make sense.

 “You’re zoning out again. It’s like every time I say something to you, your brain has to take it away an analyze every word.” Mya snaps me out of the memory, sitting in the drivers seat turning on the ignition. “Couldn’t you see how she was looking at you? She wanted to focus on you and only you, it didn’t matter how embarrassed you looked.” Her tone changed, she flipped her attitude, hoping I would do the same. She takes a deep breath in and starts to turn the wheel. 

 The car slowly backs up and pulls away. We were there for nearly four hours, it felt like 5 minutes. I let it fall silent. If I speak again, it may never stop. Maybe I don’t want to realize that I missed something. A look, a sentence, anything. Or was it about Mya? was I overreacting? She brought me here and set this up because I was too scared to. But why would she say those things about me? Why am I thinking so much about it?

 We reach my street. The car turns down and stops at my house. I look over at Mya, this night wasn’t entirely about Sarah.

 “I’m sorry if I overreacted. It was wrong, and you were right, I couldn’t have done it alone.” I quickly confess. “You’ve some all of this for me, and we still fight over it. Maybe I need to stop letting you pull me along,” I start to leave the car. Should I have said that? Did it sound too condescending? Was it even my place to apologize? 

 Mya grabs my hand and barely looks into my eyes. I try to look back, but it’s like staring into the sun. The darkness seems to close in around me. It’s just her and me now. Me. Her.

 “I promise I’ll make it up to you, it was too far. I’m sorry, just promise we’ll stay friends. I don’t want It to end over this.” She says with a frown. I give her a smile back.

 “I promise.” 

 She let’s out a sigh. “Good, next time I’ll just bring up something embarrassing from school instead,” she grins at me. My laugh rings through the car. We’re both finally smiling again. I nod my head, letting my response out with a laugh,

 “Then you’ll have to remind me of one thing…”

“I’m never going out with you again.”