Defeating the darkness

I knelt infront of the alter speechless. i had been there since the previous night praying and asking god to give me the much needed closure. mostly i needed God to guide me through all this because i felt lost. i felt like i had already lost this battle before i had even began fighting it.

i felt empty and alone. i felt like the devil was really gonna get a grip on me. how could this be. how could the devil use Zelda against me?

was my love for her the reason the devil chose her?

does she even know that she has been sent to destroy me. why did God allowed something like this to happen. why did he allow the devil to use the woman i love against me.

wait. . ...did i just make my love for her a present tense. why would i feel love for Zelda while i have a wife. a woman i had vowed to love and remain faithful to. but then i also had made that same vow of love to Zelda a while back at the alter.

truth is i never really stopped loving Zelda, death did do us part.

this is much harder than i thought it would be.

"Trinity be strong, do not despair. and do not let the devil in, he is using your weakness for your late wife against you" a voice said. i looked up and it was the warrior angel that has been visiting me countless times this past few months.

he was the one who was supposed to guide me through this path. 

The one sent to teach me everything i needed to know about being a prophet.

"you need to pray harder. your faith is getting weaker."

"how?.....how do i do this? how can i stop all this feelings?"

"by erasing all the doubt you have. by allowing your ex wife go. you may still love her but those feelings you are having for her right now are not ordinary. they have been intensified.

as i said the devil is using your heart and love for her to gain your soul.

he is trying to make you weak, weak enough to succumb to the sin of the flesh and infidelity.

he is trying to get you to lose all control and engage in a sexual encouter with that woman who look just like your ex wife and once that happens you will loose your light, you will loose your sight, you will loose your anointy and your soul. you will be used as a tool to destroy the very world you are sent to protect. that woman you saw yesterday is not Zelda, it is a demon that looks like her, the devil wanted to tempt you."

"what! ....i can never destroy the world."

"you will, once you get the mark. you were told that you are chosen to save the world but the trick is you are human, and like any other human there's some darkness in you.

you can be a prophet of light as much as you can also be used as a false prophet, a prophet of doom.

my task is to make sure that i train you to be strong enough to overcome the darkness within you.

i have to make sure that your faith is strong enough that it can't be tested."

"why wasn't i told of all this at the begining."

"you had to figure it out yourself. you are destinied for greatness, do not let the devil take your soul. i hope you haven't jeapordise your fasting proccess because once you start you must not stop or be disturbed."

"i haven't."

"good....lets pray. we need to go to the other temple there's a book there. i have to teach you all there's to know about defending yourself against the darkness and how to let go of your ex wife...."

he knelt beside me. pour the holy water on the cross took the holy beads and we began to pray.

i felt it in my bones, that this coming war will either make me or break me. and i had no idea where i stand at that instant.

"No matter how powerfull we are, there is more power to be obtained; the power which connects us to Christ is more fulfilling, more powerfull than any other kind of power." those were the words of the warrior angel that kept ringing in my head. 

To be honest his words brought insight and hope for me. it made me realise that in order to do this i needed to trust in the Lord, i needed to have faith in him. a person without christ is like a wilderness filled with emptiness. further, I believe that deep within each of us is an empty space, a space that will be empty until it has been filled with a personal knowledge of Christ. Many people cannot identify it; they do not know what it is they are seeking, but they know that an empty space is there. I believe we all search for Christ, we just do not always know that Christ is what we are looking for.

self-pity.....

What I am calling the rhythms of life refers on the more obvious level to the flow of the pleasant and the unpleasant that seems to persist in our lives. Of the two it is the unpleasant especially that gives us a sense of the alternation of good and bad that we connect with in earthly life. Good times lull us into a false sense of normality. We hardly recognize their presence until they end. We then rack our brains to understand how and why the bad times have come. Later from a distance we are able to see the pleasant and unpleasant appearing in more or less continuous succession.

Justifying the bad in life has been a continuing challenge for thinkers who specialize in such questions but also for people like ourselves. Yes, we live in a fallen world. But why this particular pain has come into my particular life at this particular time is finally not a mystery. God rules. His mind is unsearchable and His ways past finding out

we need to stop this self pity and questioning God about his reasons of letting us go through pain. it takes greater wisdom to understand that Sometimes God puts His finger on the cause of our pain, when it is of our own making, so we can avoid it in the future. Sometimes He allows us to see that the loss of one good has been necessary to our gaining of a greater, more enduring good. But it should be enough for us to trust that “his way is perfect” and to have faith in him that He “maketh my way perfect”

I have been blaming God for allowing Zelda to be taken over by the devil but i had failed to understand that we all choose our path. its no lie that Zelda had changed drastically before she passed.

she became the tool for the devil. she broke our marriage vow with her infidelity. she drank like a fish and had stopped going to church. to be honest there was this spark of darkness in her eyes. it always had been there. way before we got married, i was just too blinded by love to see it. 

i remembered how mom tried from the great beyond to warn me about her. she tried countless times to stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life i just didnt listen.

" how i wish you were here mom. i miss you. i wish i can get another chance to see you. talk to you. i need your strength right now. you have always known what to do. nothing was ever to powerful for you to overcome." i said that out loud. 

i took a huge sigh....i really missed my mom.

i wish she was here to see how great i have become.

i wish she was here to meet Nancy, my new wife. surely she was gonna love her. its no surprise that she is so much like her.

she gives selflessly, she's caring and kind hearted, she's so soft yet so strong, unbreakable and unshakable.....i found myself smiling alone. i finally realised that Nancy was the exact copy of my mother. she was just so good and she deserved a good husband. i owed it to her to be that good husband.

" mom you were really gonna love her" i said again. i dont know what was wrong with me but i suddenly felt pain. i felt so alone, i really missed my mom.

i wished she was here to show me the way. walk with me through this journey.