The Weather Inside

There was this concept people kept theorizing about: That time was a social construct. Conspiracy theorists, bored scholars, anxious teens… Well, the unoccupied. It is not like she had the time to think about the concept of life, the universe and Human’s purpose here on Earth. Because, at 1:07 pm, Gray was late and her time was costing money, not a social construct. She scoffed, right there at the corner of L and 17th street, not caring about the side looks, but about her assistant insistence on running late.

Renae spotted long, rebel hair coming full speed in her direction. The sea of people blocking her view from the brunette hair owner murmuring noises of indignation and absurd, moving away from the small hurricane that honestly thought that tripping on their own feet would change the situation for the better.

When the panting person stopped – but barely – few inches in front of Renae, sweating like a hairless hamster who just ran all night long round and round on their wheel, she didn’t bother blinking in a way that would imply Renae cared about Gray’s state.

Gray straightened up, but was clearly still weak at the knees. Their eyes were pressed closed and their hand was on their hip, like they were trying to support their exhausted weight on their own body. Renae ignored how illogical the intention of the movement sounded when she noticed that Gray’s right hand was not indeed free, but holding a bouquet of Jasmines.

- You are late. - She pointed, inspecting the wrap.

- I can- whew! I can seriously explain, - Turning her eyes back to Gray’s hazel one, Renae raised her eyebrow. She replaced the burning question about the possibility of Gray knowing that Jasmines were her favorites with the achier one:

- Are you, perhaps, trying to bribe me? - This earned her a deeply confused face, twisted and all.

- What? - With a quick glance towards the bouquet, Gray’s whole expression lightened with conclusion, and then with an awkward chuckle. Because they wore their heart up their sleeves like that. - No, no! Well- at least not you,

What was the word stressing about? Was that disappointment blossoming in the middle of her chest? That couldn’t possibly be…

Turning away to cross the avenue, Renae smoothly rearranged the lapel of her blazer, even though it was immaculate looking as ever, and went back to holding her fist at the bottom of her spine.

- I, for certain, hope this is not intended to be gifted to the client we are about to meet, but couldn’t meet sooner for obvious reasons.

Gray stumbled to catch up to her heeled steps, but now with the wide eyes back again with confusion and bordering desperation. As they stopped to wait for the green light, Gray looked more composed, and yet their mind still seemed to be running wild.

Not waiting for the predictable question that was to come, Renae didn’t want to waste any more time:

- We have a meeting with a botanic, in case you are wondering. A nature enthusiast, in case you are still wondering. A vegan, in case you haven’t read the file I previously handed you last week. - The traffic stopped and people started moving on with their busy lives and Renae could feel the terror coming from Gray as they were too stunned to notice their surrounding. - But regardless, I can take a wild guess that some people would like the equivalent of human limbs tied by their base to be offered to them... - With glitter on top of that, quickly glancing at the object in discussion, Renae mentally added.

Gray frowned and looked to the sides, and then twisted their mouth, closing their eyes and throwing their head back with frustration. Clearly thinking “oooh yeah…”

On the next trash bin, the bouquet was thrown away like it was on fire.

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The door was brutally opened and the one at fault tried to get a hold on the handle before it slammed on the wall, making unnecessary loud noise. But they were also late on that.

- You are late, - Renae pointed without looking up from her computer screen, just in case it was not as clear for Gray as it was for her. - As per usual.

- I can- Never mind...- I brought your lunch! - Gray’s lungs seemed about to be spat on Renae’s office floor as they approached the table. A little bothered with the evident wheezing sounds, she raised her eyes toward her assistant and back at the screen, as it was planned, but she could not remain composed as she brought her eyes up again so fast it almost gave her whiplash and her thick framed glasses fell off the bridge of her nose.

- Your hair. - It sounded weak, she noted, but reasonably so! The length was at least seventy five percent shorter- No, eighty percent! Renae forgot to count the shaved side and would that line running across the left lateral count as half percent?

-Oh, yeah… D’you like it? - Gray ran their hand through the entirety of their locks and they could not do that yesterday because it was longer and now it is so much shorter for fuck’s sake-

The deep blush running up Gray’s neck and reaching their ears did not go unnoticed despite Renae’s internal lost of shit because nothing gets past Renae’s perception.

Nothing.

She realized she was staring because Gray’s shy smile turned into a frown and shoulder tensing. - Wow, is it that bad?

Renae blinked back into the real world and cleared her throat. Going back to shielding herself behind the computer wide screen she adjusted her glasses firmly, like she was trying to prove a point. ‘It’s optimal’, but no. She swallowed the words all together with disgusting vulnerability. Instead-

- If you have the time to spare to take a trip to the hair saloon, surely you would be able to send floor six’s briefing conclusion to my email, wouldn’t you? - Because she had a reputation to maintain, did she not?

Gray’s petite shoulders deflated in the corner of her eyes and for certain the Sun ever present in their eyes dimmed a bit, like storm clouds were threatening to cover it up. ‘Yeah, sure.’ were murmured under quick breath before retreating and closing the door behind them. Her eye switched.

Did she not?

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It was starting to pour outside of the publicity agency building, downtown of Washington DC.

The rain had yet to get strong out there, but a bigger storm came through her office door. With a buzz cut and paler than ever before.

- The room down the corridor is free for the reunion, now. - Those words reached Renae’s ears like an electric charge, running up her arms and across the nape of her neck, making her hair stand. Gray must have noticed her shock because the corner of their mouth switched up – or was it down? Either was terrifying – and they avoided Renae’s eyes.

- It took less time, - They shrugged and left.

By the time she noticed that Gray was ten minutes early, Renae could hear the uproar of thunder in the distance and how it echoed loud in the center of her chest.

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It was Friday, noon to be exact, when Renae realized with a ground shaking surprise that some things did happen to get past her.

November the fourteenth to be exact, when the media director’s assistant knocked on her door and came in with her tablet in hand and a weak smile on her face.

Seemingly unaffected by the wind torment shaking her from the waist up, Renae asked:

- Is something the matter?

You know, like the apathetic person she claimed she was.

- Uh, yes. I think it is- it does...? Hum. Anyway.

Small talk, yes. That was something Renae greatly enjoyed. And apparently, she was in the mood for sarcasm today. Wonderful!

- It seems like it is not, - Just a bit of venom on that grammar correcting over there and we are ready to go! What, she might compare herself with a robot on a daily basis, but that did not mean her software was not prone to faults! - Would you do us a favor… - She crossed her hand over her table next to her keyboard. She hoped her glasses were not reflecting the computed screen, since her search bar embarrassingly had the words ‘what are these feelings question mark’ occupying them.

- It’s Gray, - Dread filled her up to her head and intensified on her chest, pooling there. - Uh, she-

- They.

-What?

- The correct pronoun. It’s ‘they’. Gray goes by ‘they’. - She said, like the Sun that left Gray’s eyes over those last weeks was right outside the window and glaring holes into her neck, making her hands sweat and her throat dry. Or! Or the air conditioning was starting to fail. She went back to her usual hiding-behind-my-computer-screen-because-I-was-not-programmed-for-this-in-other-words-I-am-too-much-of-a-coward with the excuse of making a note to notify the AC technician and trying to make her chest stop burning because usually she would tell Gray to do that but they were not there fuck’s sake where were they-

–...Oh. I didn’t know that. - That made Renae look up.

- How could you not, they are your co-worker!

– I- I’m sorry, Ms. Knight, but Gray barely speaks with any of us, - She shrugged apologetic with a bit of worry in her eyes that Renae was surprised to see there but could appreciate. - She- they, are always in a hurry when we bump in the elevator and barely says ‘good morning’! They’ve been here for two months but nobody really knows them.

And could she judge her employees when she barely knows Gray herself?

Did she know where they lived? Their age? Their fucking middle name?! What were their hobbies, do they keep contact with their family, do they have a partner, where did they like to eat since everyday of the week and sometimes Saturday she would drag them to whatever restaurant she would feel like eating on that day andneveraskedthem-

She ought to stop that right this instant.

Panicking like she was a little girl again would not solve all her problems and answer all her questions. Renae compelled her conscience back to that moment in time and space. Five things you can see, four things you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell and one you can taste.

– … have to stay absent for health reasons. – Shit, she might have lost that.

– My apologies, what?

– Gray asked me to tell you they are taking an advanced break from work for a couple of months, for health reasons. – The assistant – what was her name again? Let’s name her Carol for now – took a deep breath and looked around the room.

– I also said that they really looked like they deserved it. It’s like they were… Fading away.

There was hail raining on Renae’s roof and one got stuck inside her throat.

– Like… Like the Sun stopped shining, wasn’t it?

– Uh… Yeah, you could say that. – Carol was hesitant before, but she looked more certain now, softer even. – They didn’t really talk to anyone, but they always looked like they could already see the rainbow forming in the end of their storm!

It was Renae’s turn to sigh and look around the room.

– I will be contacting them. Thank you, Carol. – She didn’t even realize that might not even be her name before saying it out loud, but the woman’s smile brightened and said before leaving:

– I didn’t know you remembered my name!

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Her first mistake was not calling Gray right away. Was letting her pride distract her from reasoning.

Her second mistake was not realizing her first mistake sooner.

Gray started chemo therapy the first time they got their hair cut. Renae wanted to say that she gathered the signs and putted it together since the beginning of Gray’s employment, but that would be a terribly told lie.

Renae did not gather signs because she did not notice any signs. She was too busy shoving job after job up both her and Gray’s asses to keep her busy with the purpose of distracting her mind from the feelings of care her body chose to betray her with.

But weeks later with a clearer schedule and with a head space more chaotic than ever, Renae finally started acting like the logical person she was. She did not want to care, in any way, shape or form. She did not even want to think about the word, but that was something mentally stable people did and if she wanted to sleep that night, she should get over it.

As she was dialing the number – the one she had for three weeks. Yes, that number – she felt the water that was falling frozen from the sky outside her window go right across the fabric of her clothing and then her skin and pooling right in the middle of her belly, spreading up to her middle chest.

After the call was picked up, Renae didn’t know if she was going to see a rainbow form ever again.

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At the hospital, Renae wished she had listened to Gray when they asked if they could have the talk over the phone. She did not understand back then, but she did now.

Gray didn’t want Renae to see them like that.

There were tubes everywhere, inside their chest, inside their nose and taped into their hand. Their breathing was still unnatural, like they were running to buy Jasmines on the way to a meeting, to bring her lunch previous to a stressing afternoon of editing, or they were running to make sure everything was perfect for a conference Renae was going to be part of. Gray was breathing like they ran their entire life and now they were out of time.

Preposterous, Renae sat heavily on the armchair by the bed side. Gray does not deserve this, nobody does.

Lung cancer, they explained. The chemotherapy through pills didn’t stop the tumor from spreading because the tumor was already too spread out to get it off through surgery and when the doctor told them that, Gray started IV chemo immediately and shaved their hair. When Renae thought she could not feel any worse, Gray started talking about the reasons they were always so late.

Doctor appointments and support groups. Four out of seven days of the week, all of them clashed with their working hours. They already had those when they started working for Renae, but they didn’t want to get fired on their first couple of weeks. When Gray found out about the disease, they knew they couldn’t afford the hospital and college bills with the job they had before.

– Can’t even afford it with the one I have now! – It was like bees were extinct and the flower population started dying when Gray tried for a playful chuckle but regretted it immediately as their lungs complained. They waived their hand in her direction. – No offenses, though.

They continued saying that their grandfather died that way, and so did their mother. A-And… And now-

Gray was looking directly at their pale, thin fingers, playing with the sheets and glaring wholes into them. Like that was their computer screen, their ‘too-much-of-a-coward’ hiding place.

But Gray was no coward. No, unlike their boss Gray was a warrior. Battling such wicked disease while still dealing with a coward back at work. No coward could ever manage that. When salty tears started flooding out of Gray’s eyes, Renae wished this ocean would swallow her whole.

– They want to chop half of my lung off, – Renae believed at one point in her life, after browsing for various studies from the most prestigious universities, and watching renowned scientists' documentaries that life on Earth would be extinct due to the overpowering and ever growing heat of the Sun. – I was too late.

It was December the second to be exact, when Renae was convinced humanity would perish out of hypothermia because the Sun couldn’t shine any longer.