Hello? Is any one there?
Occasionally I can hear the distant echo of people behind me. They sound so close at times, but so distant at the same time. Like an echo of the past, specifically sent to bring chills down my spine.
Why aren't you answering me?
Sometimes it is hard to believe that you are gone, I still remember when I was told the news. It was around midnight, a decade ago. I was lounging on the porch of your house while you ran to the store, we were just relaxing, and the night was hot as all get out, which demanded that you get some ice cream from the store.
Sobbing, where am I!
You could not stand the foggy weather, the humid wet heat that made it at times difficult to breath with any type of depth. I often told you it was the place you lived that made that possible. Where I'm from, you never got such weather. Usually you'd laugh it off.
Why won't you answer me?
Suddenly, a cop car came to the door. I had left my phone in the house, deep in thought about life, and what to do about some inconsquencial thing that seemed so important in the moment. They had come to inform me that you were in an accident.
Wher-e did you go-o-o?
I swear, my heart dropped to my feet. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even see what was in front of me. I just...blanked. My whole mind went numb. I think I grabbed onto the railing and tried to breathe. I started shouting no in a continuous loop. Because, in that moment, I knew. I knew you weren't going to be back. I felt that in my heart like bears feel the coming winter and hibernate.
Why can't I see you?
It's now ten years later. I've not exactly moved on, but the pain is easier to ignore. I feel it so sharply some days, it's like I can see you were I'm not looking. I'll turn, and in my periphery, your silhouette will be in the door way. Or I'll be half awake and your voice will sound like an echo in the forest, making me jump and forget what I was doing. I always search for you on those days. But the worst ones, the ones that cripple me? The days were I swear I felt you hugging me. As though you were saying it'd be alright. Those days, I just shut down. Screw whatever the world wants. I cannot even leave my mind, let alone the bed. Just holding onto the pillow and trying to breathe you in again.
Why is it so dark in here?
I felt so lost. We had a funeral that next Sunday. It just felt right, even though you were never religious. Every one who you loved showed up and grieved with us. The very foundations of our lives had been shaken. I knew I would not ever be the same without you. Mother knew. Father knew. Even strangers knew. Because they could look up, off their phones for a minute, hold eye contact, and see what even I could see to this day. I was broken, in an irreparable way.
Don't you need me?
I tried to move on, you know? Do the same things that I used to do. All my old hobbies, I just threw myself into them. One after the other. In the end, nothing helped. I tried moving and getting a new start. That kind of helped. At the very least, it kick started something that was better then numb. I made new friends, went out, tried to let people get closer. It only improved a few degrees. Just a few knotches up. People could see I was broken. They reacted like I was a kitten, feral but wanting attention anyway. They'd always try to help. In the beginning it was nice, soon it started to feel degrading. The thing is, I was close to exploding. To just screaming and throwing a tantrum. Just letting my emotions run amuck.
Don't-don't you love me?
It was honestly the best thing I could have done. I grew tired of it. So, I threw a big tantrum. It felt good to release all of that pent up emotion. I hadn't realized how bad it was to feel numb until I felt angry, and resigned. To feel emotions again, that was the true release that I needed. I loved you. I still love you. To me, you were everything. To feel so destroyed because of you though, I needed to start letting go. To start moving on.
Why are you trying to replace me?
I am who I am today because of you, you know. All the tragedy I had to go through to get to the other side of the rainbow, it was all for the betterment of me. You haunt me to this day, you discourage me. You make it so I fall back to the old me. The one who lacked growth and humanity. You ask me, why do I forsake you? I ask you, why do you try to drag me down? You are there. In every action, every movement, every thought, and every dream. You matter to me, but you are what has been killing me.
Why are you leaving me here? It hurts so bad. I cannot begin to comprehend what I did wrong to you. Did I break your heart? Did I use you until you had to leave me? I loved you until the end of time. In the darkness you tossed me, just for one crime. The pain of separation that I feel to this day. A crippling anxiety and darkness, fresh and bright. That day, years ago, the one who haunts me, is me. As I was, bright and hopeful, instead of the broken accident you left me. Why do you haunt me still? Why do you bleed tears at the thought of me? I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, but don't you miss me?