Lord of the Rings spoiler

The horn pierced his backplate, jutting out just above the breastbone. It lifted the knight high above the muddy field. The men under his command fled as best as they could, sliding and falling every which way. He was waved above the battlefield like a banner in the wind, neighs echoing throughout the grasslands.

With a thud, his body dropped to the ground, slowly pooling. The beasts rose on their hind legs and stomped the ground near the knight's head, mocking the dying soldier, snorting sparks and glitter into his visor. One massive unicorn, adorned with golden tattoos on his head and chest, towered above the fallen man, just staring at the man, making his helmet split open down the middle, shards of steel cutting deep wounds in his swollen face. The knight wished he could cry out, but nothing came out. His vision narrowed as the beast opened his mouth, feeling its almond breath on his face. At least he wouldn't suffer through the mauling.

Pain erupted behind his eyes. He tried to figure out where he was, but darkness engulfed the knight. His breathing broke the cave's silence. The man heard rustling noises. They drew closer and closer until he sensed someone staring down at him.

"Light," she spoke, and the cave lit up in a blue tint. The knight jumped back, witnessing the drow in all her naked splendor.

"Fear not, brave soul. I mean you no harm."

"Why am I here?"

"You were left for dead, about to be a meal for Fancybutt."

"I remember the wound in my…" The man felt his bare chest. Only a dry, red circular scar was left above his heart. He was naked as well. He then went on to add, "But the golden beast was about to crush my head with his fluorescent minty teeth."

"It's called Fancybutt, and it's the commander of the unicorn army from the Gay Planes to Rainbow Valley. Their kind has laid waste to my home in the Underworld; the cities of Teen Witchia and Goth Milfia fell before the armies of unicorns. Luck was in your favor, strong knight, as I was nearby writing in my journal in the graveyard next to that field of horrors. I cast a spell of darkness, staining the beasts with angst and gloom, driving them away."

"I owe you my life, young, but not-so-young-it's-illegal-to-penetrate, beauty."

"Oh, strong, tall, and handsome knight, I need you to be my champion, to slay the wretched Fancybutt and avenge my clan. Oh, noble, young-money, fly-fighter, you are the one the prophecy foretold."

He rose from the stone slab and touched her wrist. Lightning shot through his, let's say, sword arm.

"How can I stand before the armies of those who frolic? I am but one simple man."

"Nay, you—"

"Please, don't utter that word."

"Sorry. No, you bear the mark of the Steel Warrior."

Her eyes twinkled while she spoke and gestured to his crotch. Below dangled his flail with two silver, mirror-polished balls fixed to a girthy shaft.

"You were destined to bring balance. None can do it better than you, baby."

"I may have the steel, but I need an army. Why lead when none will follow?"

The drow slithered close to him, wrapping her silky thighs around his waist and mounting him effortlessly.

"An army of the dead, like in Lord of the Rings, but this time Snape won't kill Dumbledore. This time the dead will walk the Earth and banish the Rainbow Realm back to the pink hell it spawned from."

"What are we talking about here? Are we gonna get canceled?"

"Let us not waste time, knight. We must begin the ritual. You are the key, and I am the lock."

"Nice. Looks tight; I might have to jiggle it a few times."

"Our union will conjure those fallen in battle, your men, my clan, thousands and thousands of warriors who fought and died beneath our feet in ancient times."

With her back against the cold stone slab, her hips rose high on the knight's shoulders. With each thrust, thunder and lightning cracked the earth open, surrounding their stone tomb. The sky went black, the water turned to blood, and the forest and its animals withered and died. One after the other, the dead rose from the ground. With rusty chainmail and dull swords, they set about killing everything in their path. The fires spread across the forest toward the unicorn strongholds, leaving nothing but ash in its wake.

She grabbed his face with her palms.

"Our union is complete."

Her form melted away and crawled inside his skin. The knight felt the fire licking at his bones. The pain lasted only a moment. His flesh was covered in black scales.

"This is my gift to you. An armor no point can pierce, not even the horn of a unicorn."

"I feel your presence inside my head, in every part of me."

"I am a part of you, knight. The deal was struck."

He felt rage building up inside his gut.

"Your darkness feeds the armor; your hate will only make it stronger, faster."

"Is this anime?"

"Silence, fool. The time to spill blood is now. Sit back and watch what we are capable of."

The knight was unable to control his body. He just saw his frame move with lightning speed, killing those huge creatures with his bare hands. He watched as his better half tore guts and necks open. The knight wondered why they needed an undead army when he brought death to an entire army of unicorns.

"It's done. What do you think?"

"What do we do with all these undead?"

"Fancy a steak? The red accentuates the gold tattoos; it looks delicious."

"Fine, but kill it first."

"You may do the honors."

She leaped from his body, resuming her pleasant appearance.

"Is that horn worth something?"

"It can purify anything it touches, even a tainted soul."

"Fine, we'll touch every dead relative and live happily ever after. Can I touch you with it?"

She grinned.

July 24, 2023 12:29

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