Loving you memories

Shes one of the smartest people I know. She's well respected both professionally and personally. So why is she running late today. I am hot and frustrated. I am really showing my inner savage as I roll down my window to greet the 90 degree heat of Summer. I honk my horn a couple times and yell out my window "Ma hurry up already we are gonna be late." Though I know she's not listening. I wait five more minutes and decide to take action. I am going in after her. I knock at the door and she answers right away. Low and behold my Mother is dressed and ready to go. "Ma didn't you hear me honking and yelling for you.?" She looks at me frustrated herself I notice " I can't find my house keys" she has that faraway look that absolutely sends me into anxiety mode. It's been happening alot lately. Then as if on que with my anxiety she starts in on one of her repeat stories. That's what me and my brother have nicknamed these stories she will tell you five times a week if you don't remind her you just heard it. But then she will look you straight in the eye and swear she's never told you this one. It's really starting to worry me, these repeat stories and forgetting things she's repeated over and over again. That's why this doctors appointment is so necessary. By the time I lock her house up and get her in the car she's halfway through another repeater, this one is about leaving the keys in her Chevy tracker car in park but engine going.. I know this one really well I hear it at least twice a week. She always makes my dad the hero for coming to her rescue.

My Dad passed away almost a year ago. That's when my mom's memory started going a little haywire. He wasn't the most affectionate or thoughtful man or dad but he raised his family honestly and my mom loved him with all her heart.

I am not being a patient listener today. I keep stealing glances at her, looking for an answer or waiting for a sign that she can't remember anything but the stories she repeats, but this doesn't happen. I look for that "One flew over the cuckoo's nest look" But my mom has an awesome poker face. She shows no signs of the worry or stress that are definitely plaguing me.

I look at the clock and instantly feel like a jerk. We still have an hour till her appointment. So I head to Starbucks for a machiato for me and some peppermint tea for Ma. We headed to one of my favorite places. The arboretum over by the University of Washington. The beautiful flowers and the always colorful blend of beautiful faces.

I am working up my nerve to ask her if she knows what Dr Bradley is seeing her for today. After I ask she looks at me with a mix of frustration and hurt feelings. She says sharply " Stuff that originated in your imagination but focuses on my brain function for God knows what reason. But Miss Muffet next time we put your brain through some testing see if there are any signs of life" I am shocked but amused. Suddenly we both just crack up laughing. "Oh touche' spoken like a true smart ass mom" she then starts a story about my kindergarten class field trip but it's not a story she's repeated before. Somewhere deep in my heart I feel there's hope still. That little glimmer of hope is enough for me right now. It's my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

It's almost time so we head to Dr. Bradleys. It's at the University of Washington campus. Very modern. She's a Great Doctor. Our whole family has been seeing Dr Bradley for years. She really cares about our family. Dr. Bradley is a very respected Doctor. When we get her checked in she goes straight back to Dr Bradleys office with two student intern's I have never seen and Dr Bradley. I know it's going to be a while, they are doing blood work and testing. I can't shakes the nervous thoughts running through my head the "what ifs" have now kicked in I imagine worst case scenarios like alsczimers or dementia like Jack Nicholson in one flew over the cuckoo's nest. Or some sort of horrible tumor just eating away her poor Brain. My worst fears were showing their ugly head in my vivid but but unrealistic imagination. Look out Jack Nicholson.

Ok two hours has gone by do I panic or do I calmly wait. Have some faith I keep saying over and over in my head. But all of a sudden I hear a familiar laugh and the world is ok again. I turn to see my mom and Dr. Bradley laughing like school kids. I am studying their faces looking for any tell tale sign of what took place in the last two hours. But all I see is smiles and laughter.

As soon as they approach me I blurt out " So what's the verdict? What's wrong? Does my mom need follow up care? Is she losing her mind?" I saw the look on my Mom's face and I felt awful, how could I just blurt all that out without considering how it would make her feel. I am such a jerk. My mom looked so crushed. She didn't even speak she just walked to the car. At this point I wish I had no memories of my stupid thoughtless mouth.

Dr. Bradley has been our family doctor for a long time. She patted my arm and asked me to step into her office. Hope this goes better than how that went. I am just a trainwreck at this point.

"Well I hope you aren't talking to her like that often. Your mom is just fine. We ran all the blood tests and cognitive tests, she had a CT scan and talked to our social worker counselor and that's when we figured out what is going on. I have always had a great deal of respect for your mom. But I had not taken into account your family has suffered a big loss this year losing your father. When I spoke with your mom about this she seemed more saddened about you and your brother and how he never really said how he felt to his children. She said he probably thought he would have more time. But that the pain it's caused you and your brother is just awful. So your mom has made it her mission to remind you two as often as possible how much she loves and cherishes being your mom. She wants you to know that she hasn't forgotten a single memory since your childhood and by repeating those stories to you she hoped you wouldn't forget her eighther. So these repeater stories are her way of loving you long after she's gone.

"So my advice and prescription is to communicate how your feeling so nothing is left to chance." I am in tears I don't know how I didn't see this. I love my mom so much but right now I'm the worst daughter in the world. I thank Dr. Bradley For this diagnosis it's better than I could have asked for.

I run to the elevator to try and fix this mess I made. I find my mom in the car listening to some Stevie Wonder lost in her own thoughts. "Oh mom I can't tell you how sorry I am I just didn't understand or try to understand why you were doing that. I feel like a jerk. Can you please forgive me?" My mom looked at me with the sweetest smile " there's nothing to forgive, from the day you were born life's been a good balance of learning and this is no different. But let's try to figure things out before we end up in a Jack Nicholson movie"