In My Head

Moments like this where I am forced to only listen to my thoughts, is when my thoughts become most scattered it seems. I could look at my phone to scroll through the glimpses of others’ lives or just really stop and think. About what you may ask? Well, thank you for asking. Great question. Probably even, the best question I have ever heard so thank you again. The answer to that question is… my life. I have been questioning it a lot lately. Not in like a suicidal way, just more so in a ‘what am I doing?’ kind of way. It is a strange feeling. When the successful say things like, you can be who want to be or to follow your dreams. Most of us just brush it off and move on thinking we aren’t good enough. When we don’t even realize we can. Perhaps I am only thinking of myself…

I just don’t want to be in my 30’s upset with myself that I haven’t done anything I wished or dreamed to do. There is no point, might as well push with all we got to become who we want to be. I know it is easier said than done, because if that were the case all of us would be successful. And if all of us are successful, none of us will be.

               I got that from The Incredibles.

Point is, why let this flame of motivation in me fade out? I should keep pushing forward until I’m living my dream. Even after just wondering that, I realize that’s probably the thoughts most celebrities and those with a lot of fame or success have before having that title. Its just proof money, fame and following your dream cannot buy happiness. The fact that some of them do in fact take their own lives, is proof.

This line really is taking long, doesn’t seem to be moving much either.

That girl’s hair is pretty.

I always think people in line are staring at me because I, honestly sometimes look at them. Just to like look at people, you know. With everything going on I don’t see much of people anymore.

I also just did it before too. I just like to see who I’m around. Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Jeez.

Am I gay? I keep looking at that girl’s hair.

I’m a little gay.

*sighs* why’re they looking at me?...

Like yes, hello, I see you.

“This line is taking forever, huh?” the lady who keeps moving to each side of the room every few seconds and cannot stand still said to me.

I just looked back, nodded and smiled. What am I supposed to say?

I feel an attitude coming on. Just from myself. I’m giving myself attitude in my head, which is insane. Just like who cares if she won’t stop moving? Is she bothering you? No, okay then shut up. You’re rude. Now I feel an urge to turn around and apologize to her even though she has no idea what I was thinking about her. I just feel bad internally. Maybe that’s why people tell me I’m too nice. I literally would too, but since I smiled and nodded that should be enough.

               Wow, I really overthink every little thing. I read somewhere, one time, that people who overthink are geniuses. So maybe I’m just a genius and everyone else can suck my balls.

Is that ligma I smell? Weird.

I must be careful though. When I have thoughts like this in my head, I’m literally telling it to myself in head. So, with that I move my head like I’m having a conversation and make facial expressions. I guess I am animated in conversation. I just know I accidentally do it in public sometimes therefore, people look at me weird. Like ‘what the heck... who is she talking to’ and to that I would say, “nothing and nor no one sir, just myself! thank you!” and they would literally call the cops. I’m not kidding.

Its already been guaranteed that I look crazy right now, 100%. Or maybe I just always do. I’m not crazy, is what the crazies always say. Crazies is a word and I just invented it.

               I wonder what- and were moving, alright. Almost going to be the next one after, then after the next one after THAT, then it’ll be my turn and I can go, and it’ll be good!

I was going to say, I wonder what he’s doing right now. He’s cute. I like his face, who he is as a person and just pretty much everything about him. I would like to kiss him one day if he were down, I’m down just in case you were wondering. I am down. I feel like we would be good together. Who knows though, what if he breaks my heart? Or I break his.

Love is so… risky? No, its hard.

Never heard that before.

I just mean it isn’t easy.

To fall in love, it’s quite scary honestly. Its just a good scary. All because you’re willing to risk it all for that one person. Once again, maybe that’s just my thoughts. I like him though; I could see a future with him if he would like me to join him in his future? Perhaps? Yeah, probably not… that’s okay though. I’ll just keep praying one day I’ll meet someone. Its okay though, no rush.

               I just get lonely sometimes. Sure, I have friends and family. Its just not the same is all. I sound like such a weenie right now.

I just realized yesterday that I pretty much catch feelings for anyone who is semi-cute and flirting with me. That’s not a good thing. That guy yesterday was cute, and I think he was flirting. I could be wrong. See this is what I mean, I could be just a hopeless romantic. Is that what that means? Not sure. I do know, I cannot wait to sleep tonight. I’ve had a long day, this moment alone to my thoughts feels good. Reasons I like being alone often; It allows me to self-reflect. I feel in moments like this is when my best thoughts come around, or when I’m under the influence I often feel creative. No easy way to explain it. I know we all have thoughts, not to say mine are any different. That’s the coolest part to me, that all of us have our own thoughts, our own way we view life. Thank God for that. We each are here for a specific reason. Reasons to stay alive #93874921374091; you were made for a reason.

Anyway, I hope this cheeseburger is worth the wait. I’m up next.