Shared Times

“I don’t know. I don’t think I could do it.”

“Why not? I mean if you had family that was starving then wouldn’t you do anything?”

“Mayyyybeee. I would really have to think about what other options I would have.”

“Ok. How about this one then. What would you do if you had 1 day left to live and you had to choose between saying goodbye to the people you love or would you do something you have always wanted to do.”

“Hmmm. That’s a hard one.”

“Clock’s ticking. C’mon no wasting time, after all you only have 24 hours.”

“Seriously, it is a hard choice. Couldn’t I just bring them with me to do the last adventure?” 

“Seriously, no, it’s an either or question. So which one?” 

I can hear Jared shifting his position with this last question as we sit here. I can’t help but smile. Three weeks ago I didn’t even know his name. Now, not only are we on first name basis, but I probably know him better than people I have known three quarters of a lifetime. Before this virus I just knew him as that guy who lived next door. Now we spend our nights together. 

“Ok. Time is up. Decide.” 

“Umm the adventure. Is that terrible?”

“Nah. I would have chose the same thing unless there was that one and only I was with.” 

“My turn. What would you want as your last dessert?” I was thinking about my strawberry pretzel salad as I said this. Too bad I don’t have the ingredients. 

“I dunno. I think it may have to be a chocolate covered Twinkie.”

“Really? It would be a processed food of no significance? Not Grandma’s apple pie??”

“Seriously. It is simple. Hits the points of chocolate, creamy center and carried in a vanilla boat painted in yellow.”

“That’s sad. Isn’t there a dessert you have experienced that no one can replace?”

“No. Just a chocolate covered Twinkie will do. What about you?”

“No question. It will be a strawberry pretzel salad. Though I have been craving my grandmother’s lemon poundcake recently.”

“Why your Grandmother’s lemon poundcake?”

“Partially nostalgia and partially it was amazing. At least my teenage mind thought so.”

“Ok so what about this. What would you do if you had to survive 6 months this way? Could you do it?” Jared asked. He kept asking the more serious questions when I just wanted to escape our “new norm” as social media kept labeling it. 

“I think so. I am an introvert by nature. What about you?”

“I dunno. I miss getting out and hanging out with friends. We don’t do much, but we do get together and play games or go hang out at the beach or go sing or something.”

“Do you have a lot of friends your are missing?”

“Kind of. We aren’t really close but we have each other’s backs if that make sense. What is crazy you probably know me better after 3 days of these nightly meetings than they do after years of hanging out.”

“Why haven’t you shared more of yourself with them then?”

Silence came from the other side of the wall.

“Jared?”

“Not sure. I think it is just that there have never been the deep conversations or the desire to open up where it could come back at you.”

“If they are your friends why would it come back at you?”

“You know how it is. You reveal a piece of your soul. You are kind of splayed open then and what if the other person can’t connect to it and it changes their perspective of you. When you just have the good times then it is just about the living in the moment and nothing else. I mean, they would help in a sore spot, but you don’t always want to expose your most inner self to others. We are more about the casual times, you know what I mean?”

“I guess. I tend to have fewer friendships in general. I think you have more than I do, but I kinda like keeping it that way. I like the quiet exchange of one over a large group.”

Stretching, I try to get the feeling back in my leg. I want a drink, but I don’t want to break the spell. 

“Anne?” 

“Yeah Jared?”

“After this whole restriction thing is lifted let’s go do dinner or something.”

“Agreed. It would be nice to see something in the outside world.”

“Yeah and would be nice to talk face to face instead of through a fence.”

“Anne?”

I smile. “Yeah Jared?”

“I’m hungry. Meet back at the fence in 30 minutes?”

“Sure. Will be back in 30.”

“Hey Anne? You don’t have any chocolate covered Twinkies do you?”

“I sure don’t.” I can’t keep the laughter out of my voice. 

“Ok, just had to check.” I can hear the smile in his voice too as I hear him get up to go in his house. 

“So talk to me about your first kiss.” Jared said this as he lit the bug candle. We have been back in our positions for hours now.

“What? Why do you want to know that?” 

“I dunno. It seems like a thing to share, through a fence, while we are shut in.”

“Well it wasn’t anything spectacular. I was in probably the second grade..”

“What? Isn’t that kind of young?” Jared interrupted. 

“Yes but it was in complete innocence!” defending myself.

Laughing he said “Okay, go on. Please finish the tale of innocence.”

“As I was saying, I was probably in the second grade and there was a recess game called kiss tag. Boys against girls.”

“You are kidding me! Why couldn’t I have gone to that school. Who comes up with a game like that?” 

By now I am belly laughing at the whole conversation. “ I know right? It seemed normal back then, but now that we are talking about it how did this come up as a game?”

“You all were messed up little kids!”. His laughter spacing out his words. 

“Ok Mr Judgmental.” By now I have tears going down my face and my stomach is beginning to hurt. “ Tell me about your first kiss.”

“Well first off I wasn’t in the second grade! I think I was 13. It was a junior high dance and I had the biggest crush on Kimberly Jones.”

“So what happened? Do tell my late blooming friend.”

“Well first I asked her to dance. She agreed amazingly enough. Then while we were dancing I thought we had a thing. Boy, did I misread those cues.”

“Oh no what happened?”

“I went in for the kill. Landed the kiss and she shoved me and told me I stank.”

“That is terrible! You must have been crushed!”

“Well in all fairness I did stink. We had well water and it smelled of sulfur.” 

“You poor kid! That had to be horrible!” I sat there envisioning the cruel words kids came up with at that age. 

“Yeah, it kind of made it tough. Kids don’t understand things like sulfur water. They just know that someone smells. Hey it made me who I am today though!”

“I guess it is my turn again. What is something you have done that you regret?” I was unsure if I even wanted to ask or answer this, but it is funny how the sounds of night makes it feel safe to tell more. 

“Wow, let me think about this for a minute. There are probably several regrets.”

“Jared if you don’t want to answer this one we can pass. Not a big deal.”

“Nah, just trying to decide.” I could hear him taking a deep breath.

“This is serious. I caused someone to die.”

I sat there in the silence. This wasn’t what I was expecting. More like “Hey I regret never going to college” or something along those lines. What on earth do I say to this?

“Anne?”

“Yeah Jared. I am still here, just didn’t expect something so...big. How did you cause someone to die?”

“Long story. Guess you were expecting something a little lighter huh?”

“Well we have the time for a long story. ”

I hear a deep sigh from the other side of the fence. I know he has to be thinking about the earlier conversation on perception or others. I stay silent, waiting to see where he will go. 

“It was my Senior year. I was 17 and just wanted to move out as soon as possible. I knew at 18 I could leave if I wanted. My dad was always drinking and I felt like my mom chose this life but I sure didn’t. Well my birthday rolled in and I couldn’t pack fast enough. I was going to go stay with a friend.” I hear the familiar sound of fabric against fabric as Jared shifts how he is sitting. Then the ice clinks against the plastic as he takes a drink. 

“Are you doing okay over there?” I said.

“Yeah. Just getting my bearings. So that night of my birthday I packed and loaded up my car. My mom was crying, asking me to stay. I was hellbent on getting out of there and starting my new life. I was sick of being poor. Sick of living life that way. Sick of having a drunk for a dad and listening to his anger every night.”

Quietly I ask “So what happened?”.

“Well I left. And in that moment my mom died. Her body was still alive. But her will and desire to try to make things better died. It was like she was emptied when I left. She was never the same. I didn’t realize it at the time, but later with every visit I saw just a shadow of the woman she was.”

“Jared?”

“Yeah Anne”

“That was not your fault. Your mom had choices too. You can’t blame yourself for what your mom did or did not do. We all have free will.”

“Easy to view it that way, but when someone feels trapped and their only hope is in you then if you leave you take away their hope.”

“Is your mom still around?”

“No she died a few years back.”

“Would she want you to feel responsible for her sadness? Would she want this weight on you?”

“No she always wanted the best for me. She just didn’t want me to leave.”

“Then don’t carry this weight then. Honor her in that way. Let her be the mom and hold that weight because she wanted you happy.”

“Maybe you’re right.”

“Jared, I know she loved you or else you wouldn’t feel bad. She just couldn’t find it in herself to step out in faith and leave. She wouldn’t want you to live the rest of your life feeling guilt for doing what she herself could have done.”

“Anne. Thanks for listening. I see what you are saying. It gives me something to think about. Not sure yet if I agree, but at least it feels good to speak it out loud.”

“Maybe this stay-in order is a good thing. What do you think?” I ask.

“Yeah. It just might be.” 

“Ok your turn. What is something you regret?” Jared’s tone stays serious.

“Telling you about kissing a boy in the second grade.”

Jared starts laughing at the same time I do. This new friendship. This time in our lives. This is something I know I will never regret. Every cloud does have a silver lining it would seem. And the cloud of this moment just may have found the missing silver.