Stargazing

TW: murder

The waves crashed over me as I let myself fall away from the board beneath my feet. A split second later, I was submerged in a cacophony of sound and motion as water rushed all around me, encapsulating me. I closed my eyes against the brine and waited for the weight of the water to shift off of me. Even as I waited for the best opening to break the water’s surface once more, I began thinking about all the things that could be swimming in the solution I was persistently submerged in. The thought made my stomach wrench uncomfortably as if I had just gulped down a mouthful of seawater. 

Feeling a break in the waves, I broke the surface and caught my breath before swimming towards my board. Even as I paddled my way awkwardly through the water, I felt something brush up against my leg. Unbidden, my first thoughts were of the sharks I knew for sure swam in these waters. Ever since I had seen the sign on my way to the beach, warning all who entered that they might be lurking somewhere out there with us, I had been unable to banish the lingering worry that I might encounter one. 

Turning back to see what scaly, alien creature had rubbed up against my leg, I was relieved to see the green-grey outline of a large, though clearly harmless, fish swimming away. Even as I watched it swim away, I felt a faint twinge of embarrassment as I realized just how fast my heart had been beating when I had felt it swim up against me. Still, that was part of the reason I had chosen to take a surfing vacation, despite having never surfed in my life, let alone felt wholly comfortable in any body of water. When a man’s hair starts to thin and grey, and his body starts to physically show the weight of life’s burdens in the way it arches, there are few things in the world he wants more than to see that age came with experience and progress rather than limitations and stagnation. That he can still experience new things. Or perhaps that was just what I wanted to see. 

My twinge of embarrassment manifested in a blush as I heard a laugh nearby that roused me from my thoughts. Looking over my shoulder, I saw a girl paddling her way towards me, though she was old enough that she would have scoffed had she known that I thought of her as a girl. Her skin was a golden bronze that made her look more akin to some ancient depiction of Aphrodite than it did an average surfer in her mid-twenties. Her face was framed by a swath of matted, wet curls that I guessed would have been the color of a rich black coffee when it dried. 

“First-timer?” She asked, a hint of white teeth just visible through the faint part in her lips. 

“Is it that obvious?” I asked, trying my best to smile even as my teeth chattered. Even with the new acquisition of a wetsuit, the water still felt unpleasantly cold to me. 

My comment drew another tinkling laugh from her mouth. Once her sides had ceased to shake with mirth, she smiled at me in earnest as she said, “You’re braver than a lot of first-timers I’ve met.”  

“I’m flattered,” I replied, even though I knew in my core that I was almost certainly the furthest thing from it. Most surfers didn’t have an inherent fear of the things that lurk in deep water. 

Sensing my disbelief, the girl said, “You’d be surprised at how many people try to avoid the actual waves when their first start out.” 

“With how drenched I’ve gotten each time I’ve tried, I think I might have a sense of why they do, especially considering I’ve yet to truly get up so far.” 

“Your technique is just rusty,” She shrugged, eyes glittering in the sun, “You would be able to pick it up with a few pointers. I could show you a few if you’d like.”

Even as she offered, I found myself taken in by her. Even as I gazed into her eyes, I practically found myself drowning in them. With an eager nod, I swam towards her saying, “My name’s Ryan, by the way.”

“It’s a pleasure, Ryan. Call me Kita.”

* * *

By the time the sun had started to set, its colors bleeding across the endless expanse of ocean to the west, I was seated with Kita in a local tourist trap bar as we started in on our second drink. It seemed the most obvious next step after she had spent hours teaching me how to let go of my earlier reservations and enjoy surfing to the rhythm of the sea. When we were both too tired to surf, she had told me that she could see a marked improvement in me. I had believed her, though I wasn’t sure if I believed her because I was honestly more confident in my technique or because I wanted to believe a compliment paid me by a beautiful girl half my age—likely a mixture of both. 

Still, the complement had led to me inviting her to drink with me at the bar opposite my hotel, a tropical-themed place with an open-spaced layout, plastic bamboo floors and walls, and plenty of cheap, paper umbrellas in drinks. To the bar’s other patrons, the situation Kita and I found ourselves in was likely clear as day. The biggest question likely floating through their minds was if she were my mistress or someone I thought to make my wife for all the superficial reasons that were clearly on display with her crop top and miniskirt. If only it had been so simple. 

My eyes inadvertently flit to my ring finger. It still felt so naked, even all these months after having removed my band. Oddly, I thought it appropriate that the finger still felt odd without the weight of a metal band to hold it. Laura and I had been separated ever since I first took off my wedding ring, but that didn’t mean that we finished. We had merely reached a crossroads. We had been forced to ask ourselves if this was something we wanted to continue for the rest of our lives. Based on the last phone call I had had with Laura, I had a good idea of what her answer was. She had been tearful when it had come time to end the call and had suggested we go grab a coffee together more than three times before I had to run to my next class. That call had spurred me on to go on this vacation. More than anything, I wanted to know that whatever decision I made about Laura and the remainder of my future was based on what was best for me rather than what was merely going to be comfortable. 

“I should have guessed that you were a professor,” Kita said, drawing me back into our conversation, “Even in the water, you spoke like I should be hanging on your every word.”

“It’s a skill developed over years of work. I have a hard time changing the way I address people these days. It works wonders on the Starbucks baristas, though. They always seem eager to get me my order, as if they’re subconsciously dreading getting it to me late.”

Kita gave a small chuckle at this. Though I believed we both acknowledge it was hardly my best joke, Kita still spared me a polite laugh at the comment. 

“What do you lecture on?” Kita asked as a tv by the bar behind her showed a newscaster in a well-tailored blue suit giving some sort of report. 

“I teach a couple of business classes. Not too terrible, as I enjoy business and the everchanging nuance that exists within my field and how it seems to penetrate so many aspects of life, but I will admit that there are times when my students don’t seem as drawn in by it as I am. I don’t blame them, though. It’s hard to think about investing and building a portfolio for a comfortable retirement for yourself or for others when you are debating whether it’s worth it to invest in Top Ramen or Cup of Noodle.” Even as I spoke, I noticed that the tv behind Kita now showed the picture of a missing man next to the newscaster. Though I couldn’t hear what he was saying, the captions below spoke of several tourists who had gone missing a few months back, all of them male. There had been no sign of their bodies.

“I’m sure they just have other things on their minds,” Kita said, “Things like hobbies, experiences, relationships. Typical stuff to be interested in during that phase of life.”

Even though she phrased it as that phase of life, I couldn’t help but remember that it was her phase of life, too. 

“Still, I have a hard time believing that your life has consisted exclusively of your work,” Kita said, pressing on to other topics, “Surely you’ve had your own share of experiences with hobbies and relationships.” 

“When I was younger, I enjoyed acting,” I admitted, “I haven’t practiced it in the same way since I was in high school and partway through college but being aware of how you present yourself is a crucial skill in so many facets of life. In that way, I have been practicing acting all of my life. As for relationships, I was in one not too long ago, but we are now separated.”

“Ah, I see.”

An uncomfortable silence fell between the two of us. With nothing to fill the silence to distract me from my own bodily needs, I realized that I would not be able to put off nature’s call much longer, especially if I planned on continuing to down more drinks, which of course I did. It was hard to encounter a silence like this one and not find the idea of meeting it either buzzed or completely drunk as being preferable. Excusing myself, I made my way to the marked doors on the other side of the restaurant, glad for a break from both the silence and my own uncertain thoughts. 

When I returned to my table, Kita apologized for earlier and said she hoped that she hadn’t brought up anything uncomfortable. When I reassured her that all was well and that I was having an excellent night, her worried expression evaporated into a smile. “I’m glad to hear it,” She said. She then raised her glass to me and said, “Well then, here’s to a good night. May it not end until sun’s first light.”

I raised my glass to humor her, knowing in her heart that it wouldn’t last that long. 

“Shall we go stargazing once we’ve finished drinking here?” She asked, “I know an excellent spot near the beach. It will make for a night you’ll never forget.”

I agreed, seeing my opportunity. Once we were down on the beach, I would be honest with her. I would tell her the thoughts that had been weighing on my mind since I first spoke to her. Since I first entered the water that day. Since I had first gotten on the plane to come here. 

* * *

By the time we were stumbling to the beach, we were hammered. I could hardly see straight and relied on Kita to guide me safely to the beach. My legs were lead, and both my mouth and head felt like they had been partially stuffed with cotton. I staggered as I tried to keep pace with Kita, who merely laughed her tinkling laugh as she saw me struggling and continued to egg me on, assuring me that the spot wasn’t far from here. Though I continued to follow her, I glanced back over my shoulder and was surprised to see that I couldn’t see a single city light behind me. Surely we hadn’t gone that far, had we? I remembered Kita had asked for my key so she could drive us to the exact spot she was thinking of, though most of that drive was a strange haze now. It had felt like only a few minutes, but I had had far too many drinks to trust that estimate. 

Noticing that my pace had slowed once more, Kita tugged insistently on my arm, telling me that she could see the spot now. I couldn’t see how. Everything seemed blanketed in blackness to me, becoming vague shapes that I could barely make out even by the light of a full moon. Still, I couldn’t say I was too put out by her insistence. Even following her through the dark, I occasionally looked up at the night sky and was able to truly see it. Stars sat in the sky beside the moon. Though the light they gave off wasn’t nearly as intense as the moon’s, their sheer number and the shapes they outlined in the sky outshone the moon’s own beauty. 

“Here we are,” Kita said, panting slightly, her eyes shining eagerly in the darkness, “Feel free to get comfortable, Ryan. Come, take it all in with me.”

Even as I reached her side, I found myself inexplicably tired. My limbs felt like they were chained to hundred-pound weights. I was grateful for her suggestion and found myself sitting down before I could really spare it a conscious thought. I looked up at the stars and was in awe of how beautiful the scene before me was. Still, even as I sat there and stared up into the face of heaven, I felt that something was missing. The same thing that had been missing from my life for months. Laura.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Kita asked. 

“It is, but there’s something I must tell you.”

“Hush. No words now.” Taking a few steps towards me, Kita sat herself atop my legs. She then pulled her hair out of her face before placing a hand on mine. “Kiss me,” She whispered.

I tried to respond but found her leaning in before I could say anything. I tried to raise my hands to push her away but found they were too heavy to lift. I turned my face away from hers so that her lips met my cheek instead. 

“Something’s wrong, Kita,” I said, my voice sounding slow and weak in my ears, “I think I need to go to the hospital.”

“The Rohypnol’s set in then,” She said, “Good.” 

When I looked back at her, I noticed that her smile was gone. She got off my legs without so much as another word before she grabbed one of my ankles and started dragging me.

“What are you doing?” I asked. I meant for it to be a shout, but it came out as little more than a moan.

“Seeing that you pay for your sins, you unfaithful bastard,” She spat at me as she dragged me, the sound of crashing waves becoming louder, “You men are all the same. You come to me with the same stories. You take off your rings and pretend to be free of responsibility just for the chance to fuck something you find beautiful, forgetting those who truly love you. All the while, the hearts of your wives and lovers break. They don’t realize how much better their lives would be without you, but I do, having permanently cut ties with the man who betrayed my trust. It’s why I help them cut ties with you. It might sting at first, but ultimately it’s always better in the end.”

Even as I took in what she was saying, I wanted to contradict her. I wanted to assure her that my situation wasn’t as she described. Still, I knew her ears would be deaf to anything I had to say. Instead, I merely muttered, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

I merely stared up at the starry sky above me, wishing I had told Laura everything I should have before the trip, wishing that I hadn’t been so afraid of opening myself up to her again. When she had told me she wasn’t sure that our life together was what she wanted anymore, I had been hurt. I had taken a leave of absence from my position just to get my head on straight. The only way I had been able to cope with it all was eventually closing myself off to her. It was why, even though her phone call asking me to meet with her to reconcile had been everything I had wanted, I had decided to take this trip beforehand. I wanted to conquer fears that I had held close to my heart as a child to prove that I could be brave enough to overcome this new fear. 

“I love you, Laura,” I said, a whispered prayer to the heavens whose depths I stared into, “I hope you know that.”

I wasn’t sure if Kita heard me or not. I wasn’t sure of much at that point. All I could feel the sand beneath me, though even that felt faint. All I could see was the sky above me, but that disappeared each time I would give in to my drooping eyelids. All I knew was that Kita was dragging me towards the frigid ocean water before us, where she would let me drown and leave my body to be consumed by the creatures that lurked below its surface. Still, even that thought seemed to disappear as my consciousness became questionable.