Who's for a Second Chance?

Who's for a Second Chance?

“Wilbur Smith, eh? I wondered when I would see you. Steely look hero’s. Welcome to our little television show. We call it a television show, it’s similar to your YouTube, we call it HIM/TUBE.”

“On HIM/TUBE? Are you having me on? And it’s Smyth, not Smith. Such a common name, Smith. You’re not the first to try to pull my leg; the bastards. So, I’m Wilbur SmYth. Bugger me, you’ve been at this checking-in game for a long time, now, what, do you still muck around with quills and bottled ink?”

The welcoming person threw his head back and roared with laughter. “Just a bit of fun, Will.”

“That’s another thing, it’s WilBUR, not the diminutive Will. I used to fire people who did it more than once, even the VPs.”

“Yes, I see here in the book that you could be a bit of a prick. In fact, I’m having to flick over quite a few pages for where you get a pink highlight. Did you lead a miserable life?”

“Miserable life? Me? No, I did not. Others had the miserable lives if they didn’t measure up.”

“I admire your candour, Wilbur, especially with me who is expected to provide assessments to another body to determine fitness, your fitness.”

“My candour is because of logic. Look, 7 billion people on earth, there must be 50 million of them dying each year, you, my man, saint, or whatever, would be running around like a blue-arsed fly on steroids to cope. So, either I’m dreaming, or hallucinating, so I can be as candid as I like, as basically, I’m talking to myself.”

“Oh, is that so, Mister Smarty Pants? I take it that you haven’t heard any talk about the ‘Many Mansion’ thingy? Well, I’m assuming you haven’t so let me tell you that up here we have plenty of space and plenty of time. We can cope with 200 million each year and we have the room and personnel to handle them, and we take our time like I’m doing with you.”

“You’re trying to kid a kidder. Just how many sodding Peters have you got up here?”

“You’ve assumed my name is Peter, I didn’t tell you it was. These dresses may look the same to you as some of your silly pictures down there show, but this one is unique. It was designed by Pierre, very exclusive. Peter goes to Armand.”

“I don’t know why you are getting uppity about it, you brought up the dresses. I think yours is rather a good design, especially if it was on a bird, quite revealing with the side-split.”

“Do you think so? Oh, bother, you having me on. I’m Jeremy, by the way. Still, I’m glad you like it. You are lucky by the way, you are going to get a second chance if I think you measure up. Do you think you would like that?”

“You’ll have to convince me first that you are real and I am not having a dream. Just in case I’m not. What have you got up here you think could entice me to stay?”

Suddenly a red-hot poker was shoved up Wilbur’s arse for 2 seconds and Wilbur’s screams could be heard across the world if he wasn’t imagining it.

“Well, Wilbur, that’s one of the alternatives. Did that convince you that you just may not be dreaming?”

“Jesus Christ and Mary on a stallion, please don’t do that again.”

“Before you go on with your blasphemy, Wilbur, you might know that’s quite frowned upon up here. I mean, just imagine calling your old queen as ‘a bit on the side,’ wouldn’t that put a few people’s noses out of joint, inside the palace I mean?”

“Okay, okay, I see your point. But if that thing went up your ‘you know what’ I think a few expletives would fall from your lips.”

“I was merely showing you one of the alternatives that could await you. How do you feel about being candid now?”

“It’s funny, it must be this environment as I feel very well-disposed toward my employees, or perhaps I should have said, former employees, as your little demonstration has rather convinced me that I could have done better, and if I get a chance I would make amends.”

“That’s very refreshing to hear, Wilbur. The assessment committee has been looking on and they are rather pleased with your change of heart. Of course, there’s nothing like a bit of hot steel to make one see the error of their ways. However, I do think you are genuine. Now, we’d better have a closer look at what you did get up to so we can give you your second chance that’s appropriate.”

“Do you really have to waste your and the committee’s time with trivial details? As they say in the Court movies, I plead guilty to save the Court time.”

“Oh no, Wilbur, what would be the fun in this job if everybody with a smooth tongue was just rubber-stamped and sent on his or her way. No, we are volunteers, all of us in this little committee, otherwise, we’d be watering Celestial Gardens. They’re beautiful, but there’s only so much beauty you can put up with before it drives you spare.”

Jeremy broke into a coughing spell that took the end of his ‘nightdress’ to mop it up.

“Sorry about that, but I watered that garden every day for 3 centuries before I got this job.”

A voice came through the Celestial Intercom to tell him to keep his trauma under control as it seemed he hadn’t got the watering into a fully acceptable mode in his psyche and a further stint may be called for. A sweating and shaking Jeremy resumed his conversation with Wilbur.

“Alright, it seems as though you have behaved like a little shit. I can’t see very much on the redeemable side of the ledger, even though Mankind was bettered in a material sense. You made billions of dollars and other currency, but it was inadvertent. It was incidental that others benefitted.”

“But Jeremy, that must count, surely.”

“Not really, Wilbur. It’s what’s in your heart while doing this good. People benefitted, but they could have benefitted much more. No, you were a prick. So what are we going to do with you? Pardon me while I consult with my people about this.

Wilbur was left to muse. He knew the ‘red-hot-poker’ lesson would not be forgotten whatever the circumstances were with his ‘second chance.’ Finally, Jeremy returns with a smile on his face and tells Wilbur they have thought of a temporary placement until they go into his case more fully.

“You may not realise it, Wilbur, but everything that has ever been and ever will be, already exists, it’s just a matter of focus. Call it a holding pattern for you while we plumb the depths of your case. You are going back as a young stowaway on the Titanic. See you soon.”