I didn’t do nothin’!

There I was walking down the street where I was just about to let a fart loose after walking through a crowded sidewalk when these two overtowering men in gray suits start walking next to me. I tried to stay calm and unfazed, but the next thing I know they grab my arms and tell me, to go with them. That they know what I did.

Brothers, I don’t even know what I did! I exclaimed, “what the hell did I do? I literally have been sleeping all week.“

I asked when this thing I did happened. No answer.

I asked them who they worked for. No answer.

I asked them if I could use the restroom.

No answer.

By this point my arms were really starting to hurt due to the way they were carrying me so I asked them to carry me another way.

“could one of y’all just carry me like a sack of potatoes? This is hurting me. Plus you’ll have more control over me if I’m just on one of y’all. I think?”

The men exchange glances until one lets me go and the other throws me over their shoulder.

I take a look at my new perspective.

”I gotta day, you both have very nice butts. I can tell yall don’t skip leg days.” immediately following this statement the man toots in my face! In retaliation I force out I have the fart I’ve been holding in.

“Two can play at the tootin‘ game, sir.”

And with that interaction, the other Burly man cuffs me. Burly man 2. Burly man 1 was the one holding me.

“You really don’t have to cuff me you know. I have nowhere to be and no one to be with. I literally have very little motivation to live. I won’t run or hurt you, not that I can.”

Burly man 2 proceeds to glare me down. I look down at his pants where a bulge was.

“oh do you have a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me big guy?” I wink playfully. Burly man 2 whips out his literal banana, peels it, and shoves it in my mouth. I chomp and spit the rest out. Smiling contentedly at Burly Man 2.

Finally we step into an air-conditioned building. The marble flooring has a hint of pinesol as if it has just been cleaned. Black slacks greet the gray suits and Ignore me all together. I really might as well have been a sack of chopped liver.

A few steps further and we were at an elevator. After about 15 floors or so we stepped (as in the burly men and I slumped over his shoulder) out into a hallway. The floor was carpeted in nasty blood red with blue swirls all throughout. Pretty soon I heard a set of doors open and the carpet changes to marble tiling again.

”Hey! This place is pretty nice. Would you be so kind as to lay me on the floor? Ive always wanted to lay on real marble.”

”Nice of you to finally join me, Jackie.”

I tensed up as I hear the voice. Burly Man 1 sat me down on the sofa that immediately started to envelope me. I’m surprised it didn’t swallow me whole there.

“oh, I should’ve known it’d be you. hi mom, sorry for not calling.”

”what did I do to deserve this? What kind of mother had to employ people to bring her own daughter to her, huh?

she dramatically threw her head back with one hand draped over her forehead. I rolled my eyes and laughed while gesturing for the men to uncuff me.

Once I cuffed I smoothed out my clothes and sat next to my mom.

“Hiya mom, how've you been?”

“You little piece of-!” She slapped the back of my head and then pullEd me in close for a tight hug.

“— can’t... breathe— Ma!!” She pulled my head away and looked at me with concern.

“you haven’t been eating well again.Look at you, you look like a skeleton. I be you've only been eating cakes and cereal again, right?” I looked to the side and stared at Burly man 2.

”No, I’ve had some bananas. I had one on my way over.”

“Did Thomson feed you? Good. But it’s not enough. Mommy made a nice me for all of us to share. So go get cleaned up and join me at the table.”

I started to reject the meal, but my stomach betrayed me and growled.

“yes ma’am“ I looked to where Burly man 2 was standing gesturing to the bathroom. He handed me a robe and a box.

“Moooom did you really spend money on more clothes for me again? Stop wasting your money!”

“Shut up! The food is getting cold and I’m hungry!”

I smiled and took the box and robe from Burly man 2.

”Ya wanna join me in the shower big guy?” I winked playfully. He shook his head in a way dismissing my joke.

After my shower, I stayed in my robe and sauntered over to the dinner table where my mom patiently waited.

I threw my arm around her, startling her and causing her to throw me on the ground.

“Don’t do that!” I laughed and stood up rubbing my poor ass. I sat down across from her and started eating. She had made all my favorite dishes. Soy sauce chicken wings, eggs and totmato, sauteed okra, and garlic asparagus.

“I’ve missed this. Thanks mom!” I said through a stuffed mouth. Finally satisfied, she started to eat.

After I finished I sat across from her talking about nothing. Until she finally interrupted me.

”Move home. There’s plenty of space for you and me. We can cook together and watch tv together - just like we used to.”

“Ma, you know that’s not the issue. The way I lived here made people assume things about me that weren’t true! I don’t want that reflected onto your parenting. All of them think either you chased dad out of the house or that dad left us because you were a bad wife. They look down on you because they think you can’t parent. That I’m a spoiled brat and that I don’t know how to fend for myself. I know I don’t eat the best, but I’ve picked up a lot of new skills living on my own.“

She pouted at my monologue.

“Okaaaay, I’ll come home for a week once a month, is that okay?”

“And I get to visit you”

”Only if you give me a heads up - preferably a week but at least a day before. I have work too you know.”

She nodded. I got up from my chair and went over to hug her.

”I love you ma, you’re the best.”