Ennui

Since the pandemic started, my life outside has already disappeared but my life inside our home continues as if nothing is happening outside. But, I often watch the television, rolled my eyes when I get irritated because the news is all the same! All of them, none of them even change, so, because of my irritation I turned it off in a matter of time. On social media, heck, give me peace of mind. Damn, I need those. When the President of the country declared that 18 years old and above are allowed to go outside, some are happy about it, of course, who wouldn’t be? House is like a prison, but it was fun! And, I want to go outside too, I want to get out of this prison, but who am I kidding? Agh! When was the last time I stepped out on the soil of this city? The last time I roamed around with my friends. The last text I got with them is that they are asking me if I can come with them on their vacation in Palawan? Even my Mother called me saying, “Maybe, we should go to Ilocos, Vigan.” She is happy while declaring to me that! My Aunty? Well, she just called me and said, “Come with us, hija.” I had nothing to say... Even my other relatives are planning to have a vacation in California with them, of course I refused. My other close friend just asked me out and I couldn’t refuse! So when I stepped outside the door, the feeling was overwhelming, shit, I’m paranoid. My feet just paralyzed in a seconds before I start walking, a walk like a robot. When finally I saw her, I saw a glint of happiness in her eyes. She must be very happy that finally… finally she got out with permission from her parents. Funny, she looked like a kid who was like it was her first time going outside alone. I can’t see her face but her beautiful eyes are shining because of the rays in the sun reflecting on her eyes. A face mask and a face shield is required to go outside. I groaned when I stepped on something and that something is shit! Curse to that dog and the owner who let it take his shit on the sidewalk. No choice, I have to go home. And, good thing she waited for me patiently but she looked like a lost dog who doesn’t even know where she will go. Poor her, she waited for me and I didn’t even apologize! Damn you, self! I actually enjoyed it but agh! Can I just stay home? Watch Netflix and chill on my sofa. Eat until I become bloated. I want inside instead of this polluted air I’m breathing, the smell of the smoke, I rather smell the dead mouse.  Good thing, we go in a good kind of community. And, it is where I lost my phone, snatched. I was really in a bad mood that timr and I nearly smacked someone’s head just to remove the bad feelings. What a phenomenal person. Just me being sarcastic. And realization hit me, the outside world is dangerous, very thrilling. Adventure everywhere, perfect for those people who want it. But, the outside world is beautiful, and there are many fun things to do outside. And that doesn’t mean I choose it, I really want to end someone’s happiness just because of my lost phone. Agh! Good thing there are none important. Outside world is really unpredictable, very thrilling, not my cup of tea. Well, there are also so many dangers inside, if… if you are not being careful. Everyone thinks that I am an extrovert but come to think, I’ve been paralyzed for a second when I step my feet on the ground, not overreacting. Everytime I go outside is when I need to buy groceries, when I’m out of stock. Scrolling on my social media, so many people shared that they already had their vacation in a nice place, like I care? 

Since it started and the class was suspended, I realized that there are many destinations in my apartment, so many to explore. I didn’t even notice that because I am too occupied with studying and hanging out with my friends who are extroverts. I can’t say no to them, because everytime they asked me out, they didn’t buy ‘no’, instead they pulled me with them. Of course, I am with them, should I refuse? I have nothing to say about that. They usually said the magic word which is “Let me treat you”, and like that, “Sure, I’ll go”. Me being a fragile tree, used to be happy with them, of course that was just an act, I want to go home quality! I tried to remove the ennui feeling of going outside and tried planning about exploring outside and not just inside my apartment, because I looked like a home sick. Seriously, when I agreed to come with them, I felt like my home was calling me and telling me to be with them. Jeez, they don’t know that I am feeling about going home already and my home didn’t even know that I want to be with them. I want to go home! I have this feeling that when I am staying outside hanging out with them, I feel like time is slowly running, but when I am inside, the time is very fast as I expected and that is what I want. I never thought that when I grow up, that is the time when I feel less exciting outside, what’s wrong? I don’t know...

Even though I wanted to be outside in this beautiful prison, I still wanted to stay here. It was dangerous outside, I couldn't risk it. In the end, all my plans about going outside with them are now off my list. Feel kinda ennui while staring at my notes. I shouldn't have planned all of this. I want to stay home. Like, forever.