(Content Warning: Crude Humor, Mild Language.)
Thick steam filled the great chamber in the Unholy Kingdom as Satan stirred his cauldron. The shadow of his silhouette danced along the blood-soaked walls like a Cirque du Soleil performer. His red skin glistened in the twinkling light of the fiery flames revealing a masculine boulder-like body that was chiseled from stone. Satan’s thick black curvy horns looked like trumpets from a grand orchestra, and his dark fingernails tapped his trident with great fervor as he mixed the ingredients together. His forked tongue darted in and out, eager for a taste of things to come.
The Devil removed his weapon from the brown liquid and licked the tip like it was soaked with red ichor. “Mm… that’s some good shit!!”
His deep voice echoed through the chasm alerting his assistant Morty, who came rushing in. Morty was a short gnome-goblin with dark green skin layered with warts and boils. Morty’s grotesque figure would scare most fiends, but Satan took a liking to him when he proved his loyalty by shaving his balls, a task that most evil beings dreaded. Hell is repetition, and Morty became quite skilled in this task.
“Master, what is wrong?”
Satan looked down upon the evil spawn and kicked him with devilish delight. Morty’s tiny maggot-infested body flew through the air like a flying rodent high on acid and crashed down to the floor several feet away.
“Nothing is wrong, you little worm!” Satan snarled.
The Devil grabbed his black chalice and dipped it into the cauldron. The brown liquid swirled in a counter-clockwise direction for which Satan paid no mind to. He raised the cup to his succulent lips and drank deeply. After a few gulps, the Devil pranced around the chamber like a unicorn who had just lost its virginity.
“I have done it!” he boasted. “This drink will blow everyone’s mind!”
Morty sat up dazed and confused and saw crows flying around his head. “What is it, my master?”
Satan scowled, grabbed Morty’s neck, and dragged him to the bubbling pot of liquid goodness. “Why don’t you have a taste, my turd-smelling friend?”
Morty’s yellow eyes screamed in terror as Satan dipped his skull into the pot. After ten seconds of watching squabbles of bubbles float to the surface, he yanked Morty out and slammed him back to the ground.
The flying crows swirling around Morty’s head were now drunk and crashed into each other. Morty shook his head and swatted the air.
“Well, what do you think of this brew?” asked Satan. “I think it’s my best tea yet!”
Licking his lips, Morty thought for a second and uttered, “To be honest, I think it tastes a lot like Lipton’s tea.”
“What!?” raged Satan. “Who is this Lipton? I will kill him ten times over!”
Morty rose and proclaimed, “I believe Sir Thomas Lipton created this particular drink in 1871 and is long dead. For all I know, he may reside in one of our circles!”
Satan growled in protest. “No matter… I will proceed as planned.”
“What do you propose, my master?” sniveled Morty.
“I will mass market this drink to every living soul and make a fortune!”
“But… what need of money would suit your purposes?”
“Do NOT question my needs, ball shaver!” Satan slapped Morty with the back of his crimson hand and yelled, “This is Hell, and money is the root of all evil!! Do I not deserve to have more cash to pleasure myself with?!”
Morty rubbed his leathery face and replied, “You are the one and only great destructor, and yes, you deserve everything!”
“I appreciate your condescending remarks, but if I am to do this, I’ll need a great name for this tea.”
Satan grabbed his black chalice and filled it once more. He sat down on his throne of skulls and contemplated while sipping the golden nectar.
“What about Devil’s Brew, my master?”
“NO! That’s a horrible name!” roared Satan. “I need a catchy name that will lure the stupid humans into buying my product. Hmm… I’ve got it! What do you think about Devil’s Brew?!”
Morty contorted his face and mumbled, “That’s a fantastic idea.”
“Yes, yes… I thought so!” Satan boasted. “Work must begin immediately. Ready the troops for production, and before you leave, grab the razor, you sniveling toad! I feel some scruffiness that needs attending!”
Morty rolled his eyes. “Right away, my master…”
Over the next several months, the underworld was ass-deep in the production of Devil’s Brew. Satan took this task very seriously with extreme hastiness. With the help of Morty, the Devil whipped the hordes of damnation literally and figuratively. Every dead soul worked the lines, and soon they had enough product to drown the living world.
Distribution was easy enough through Hade’s Express, a service that would put UPS and FedEx to shame. Through trains, planes, ships, trucks, and flying kazoos, the Devil’s Brew was available for purchase worldwide at the low price of 19.99 per can. With its fancy logo of Satan’s red balls wrapped in black barbed wire, no one could resist the ultimate drink. That was the hope, at least.
Of course, it was panned by critics, but Satan was a firm believer that bad press equaled big sales. So, he had Morty dispatch a new marketing campaign that rocked Lipton’s world. Devil’s Brew claimed to be the best drink in the universe and backed it up with a “Like it or pay double” guarantee.
Devil’s Brew had a secret ingredient that resembled nightshade but was ten times more toxic. The effects went unnoticed, but one thing was clear. There was an addictive component that no one could identify. Satan and Morty had a hearty laugh because they knew what it was. A unique cocktail of nicotine and cocaine laced with a dash of ecstasy.
The funds flowed into Hades by the dirt load, and Satan bathed in his newfound glory. He slept with the money, washed with it, ate with it, mated on it, and even wiped his ass-cheeks with it.
Meanwhile, as the new tea gripped the globe, Morty was worried because lawsuits were also coming in like the money. Wrongful death lawsuits, to be precise. Some people died from drinking Devil’s Brew, and their families wanted compensation. Satan didn’t care about this inconvenience; he had achieved his goal and basked in his greatness. Morty knew he had to do something because lawyers are the most terrifying parasites in all creation. They ranked right up there with politicians and insurance companies.
“What s-should we d-do, my master,” stuttered Morty.
“We shall do NOTHING!” Satan rumbled. “I have power that no one on this earth can match!”
Taking a few deep, shuddering breaths, Morty interjected. “No one on this earth, but what about him?”
“HIM…” Morty didn’t want to directly say the name. “You know the big guy, your brother!”
“God will not interfere… awe shit…. Yes, he will! He’s always meddling in my affairs with his divine intervention!”
“What shall we do?” asked Morty.
Satan thundered, “I will roast the lawyers in the ninth circle of Hell, and when they fall through, there will be eight more levels of fiery bliss to go!”
“Yes,” Morty interjected, “but what about the families who seek compensation for their dead?”
Chuckling, Satan bellowed, “Send them a free case of Devil’s Brew, and soon they will join their lawyer friends!”
Morty nodded with a sly grin. “Yes, that will do quite nicely, my master. What will we do in the long run?”
Satan reached down and scratched his manhood. “First, grab the razor. I need a trim,” he glowered. “Secondly, moving forward, let’s get the production line to put a disclaimer warning on the bottle stating that we are not liable for any wrongdoing from the consumption of Devil’s Brew.” Satan grinned, revealing his fangs. “By God, we will sell a billion cans from that alone! Ha, ha, ha!!”
“I get it,” Morty snorted. “It’s like when you buy shampoo, and it says: Lather, Rinse, and Repeat. Some humans take that to heart and get trapped in the shower! That’s a great idea, my master!”
“Ah… I’m always right!” proclaimed Satan. “Now fetch me a Devil’s Brew and the razor. My beautiful balls need a good shaving!!”
Warning: Side effects associated with Devil’s Brew may include dehydration, yeast infections, and severe urinary tract infections. Urinary tract infections related to Devil’s Brew may be challenging to overcome and may become life-threatening if the infection spreads. Extreme diarrhea and flatulence cannot be ruled out. One of the most serious possible dangers of Devil’s Brew is an increased risk of amputation and sudden death without the possibility of revival. Symptoms of gangrene and other serious infections may occur. Sores, boils, and sepsis cannot be ruled out in some cases. Drink at your own peril. Otherwise, enjoy your tasty beverage, and thank you for choosing Devil’s Brew.
Daniel R. Hayes
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Haha love the last paragraph. Favourite bit for me was the image of people being trapped in the shower. Lather, rinse, repeat indeed 🤣
I'm so glad you liked this one! I thought it was funny and nice to write a comedy of sorts. I can't wait to read your new story later :) Thanks again!!
Nice story that exposes Satan as a mean ass CEO and owner of a devilish brewery
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked this one, I tried to make if funny and entertaining :)
I loved it! I just finished reading Satan’s Big Thrill and would enjoy reading more about the antics of Satan and Morty. Thanks for the laughs! -Coffee
Thanks again, Coffee!! I'm so glad you found these stories funny. I certainly had a fun time writing them! :)
Oh Daniel, this was hilarious, I giggled the whole way thru!! I just loved it! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much, Beth! I'm glad you enjoyed it, I had a really fun time with this one :)
Absolutely hilarious and very well written! Am I going to hell now for laughing? I very much enjoyed this story, probably as much as Satan enjoys his manhood being shaved. Thanks for writing this and giving me a good laugh!
Thank you for reading this :) Hahaha, I don't think you will go to hell for laughing! I'm glad you enjoyed it, I had a lot fun writing it! :)
This was a hilarious read. Effortlessly comedic.
Thank you so much Tay!! I'm glad you liked the story and found it funny. That's what I was going for :)
Man! I died laughing. Seriously, this is epic! I like your sense of humour and your will to send Lipton to hell. “Like it or pay double”??? I like the scheme! 😂😂 And thank you for the warning in the end! I loved how you weaved it all together and you should definately write more funny stories. Waiting for the next...
Thank you Keya! I had fun writing this, and I'm glad it made you laugh. Now all they have to do is take on Brisk... hahahaha!!! I really appreciate the wonderful comments, made my day!! :)
Damn! That was funny as hell! Shaving the balls is something not even the minions of Hell do is relatable. Also, I lost it at Lipton being in Hell. Good read! One thing: I believe Satan was not God's brother, but at this point, who cares. Funny stuff, Mr. Hayes!
Thank you Dragos, I'm glad you liked this one. I wanted to write something fun, and just went for it. You are correct in Satan not being God's brother, but for this story I thought it would be funny to say they were brothers. I always stretch things out beyond the regular norms, and that's why I love writing fiction because you can get away with it :) Thanks again!
Deceased. No pun intended. I grinned huge while reading this... Because you basically tapped into my 13 year old sense of humor but in a mature fashion. This story was audaciously hilarious and I am forever shook. The devil shaving his balls, classy. The snide comments about his brother God intervening was so sassy I loved it. This line: Over the next several months, the underworld was ass-deep in the production of Devil’s Brew. (Ass-deep is a fabulous description, one I use often. Huzzah!) I love that the warning/side effects doesn't ...
Wow... thanks Shea!! To be honest you inspired me to write this from your suggestions of adding the funny category to some of my stories. I thought why not just write a straight funny story, and that's exactly what I did ;) Thank you so much, I really appreciate these comments, and I look forward to reading your new story later today :) :)
It's such a good story, I'm still thinking about it today. You gave me the best laugh!!
Mr. Hayes, you are hilarious. This juxtaposed diction made me laugh far too hard in class. Who uses ichor and shit in the same sentence? You do and it's PERFECT! The Devil removed his weapon from the brown liquid and licked the tip like it was soaked with red ichor. “Mm… that’s some good shit!!” PLEASE make Morty a reoccurring character. I'm now including "ball shaver" in my persona list of derogatory epithets.
Sir Lipton is definitely in hell. Colonizer.
Thank you Deidra, I'm so glad you found the humor in this funny. I thought I was pushing some things, but hey, it's me, so I can do it ;) hahahaha!!! I thought Sir Lipton was a nice touch, and Morty was a fun punching bag for the jokes to roll!! I really appreciate the comments, this was a fun story to write, and the crude humor just flowed so well. I can't wait to catch up on your stories! Thanks again!! :)