My Forever Friend

November 3

This new therapist told me that I should start writing my feelings out in a journal. Get it all out. Like pouring everything out onto a page is gonna magically cure anything. “Try to be honest with yourself.” she said. “Even if it feels silly.” It’s not ‘silly’ , it's pointless. But I promised I’d give it a try, so here goes…

Today’s ‘honesty’ is that I hate this. I hate that you’re gone. I hate that nothing feels real anymore. I hate what I said that night before you…Every noise around the flat makes me think it’s you walking through the door, but I can see your keys on the table. When I go into the kitchen I keep half expecting to see you struggling to cook some diabolical meal you spontaneously decided was suitable that day. But you’re never there. You’re gone, and I’m left talking to a stupid notebook. 

November 5 

Saw your hoodie on the dining room chair earlier. Completely forgot it was there still. I swear your mum packed it away the other day though. Maybe she just missed it. Or maybe I’ve finally lost my mind. Anyway, it was like you were still here, even if it was for just a second. It was nice. 

November 7

Okay, something is seriously wrong with me. Did I actually leave my keys in the fridge? Because I found them there this morning. April could barely contain her laughter when I told her. “Oh if only Harry could’ve seen that!” she said, almost spilling her coffee. Yeah I bet, he would’ve loved it. This feels like one of those dumb pranks you used to do. You know what? I could've sworn I heard your annoying laugh in the other room. Except you’re dead. And my fridge isn’t that funny. 

November 9 

Brilliant. Either I’m losing it, or you’ve decided to haunt me from the great beyond. Found a fresh pack of beer in the fridge just now - the really vile ones with the ugly print on the fronts. I thought you had drunk them already because obviously I didn’t buy them. I would never drink that stuff. 

Is this my brain tricking me or…what? Maybe it’s some delayed grief thing? I feel stupid even writing that, but honestly nothing seems right anymore. 

November 10 

Man why am I like this? April invited me for drinks this evening, but I said no. It’s just too difficult right now. The timing’s all off. If you were here, I know you would’ve called me an idiot.

I tried to watch TV today and all I could think about was how you would always ask me ridiculous questions about what was happening like “who is this guy?” and “wait was he the bad guy all along?”. It’s better than silence I guess. 

Oh yeah I totally forgot! I came home today and all our draws and cupboards were wide open. There were Coco Smilies all over the floor! I think someone tried to rob the flat, but I’m not gonna let that happen again. I’m gonna get some cameras to put around the house, maybe an alarm too, tomorrow. 

Today’s ‘honesty’ is this: No one spills my cereal and gets away with it. 

November 11

April called me today. She asked me why I’ve been avoiding her. It’s not like I don’t want to talk to her, but…it just feels wrong. She’s always been - just a friend, right? But there’s something else now. It’s like she’s waiting for something, for me to be okay. You’ve always been that bridge between us and without you, Harry, I don’t know how to cross it. When she’s in front of me, all I can think about is the past. And Harry, I swear it feels like you’re pushing me towards her - like this is the only step forward. But, I’m not ready and…I don’t know if I ever will be. 

Don’t be mad, but I had to move some of your stuff around to fit these cameras. They’re cheap, but they’ll get the job done. I don’t expect this guy to return, though a bit of extra security never hurt anyone. I'll let you know what I find. 

November 12 

Well I don’t know what i expected. All clear on the cams last night. I learned that I sleep with my mouth wide open though so there is that. April asked me how I was doing today and, naturally, I told her I was fine. Every time she’s around, I feel you hanging over me, pushing a forced connection - trying to make me be honest. I just don’t know if that’s the right thing. I feel like a prisoner in my own body Harry and you seem to be the only one holding the key. 

On a lighter note, someone completely wrecked the office this morning. Seems to be going around. Davidson absolutely lost it (I’ve never seen a bald head go so red) Carol’s favourite mug got destroyed (that’ll teach you you old crone) and Geoff fell over that awful printer he used to make you use to do all HIS work. Me and April could barely hold it together. We had to hide in the storage closet so the others couldn’t hear us wetting ourselves. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. 

Today’s ‘honesty’ Carol’s mug got what it deserved.  

November 14

I’ve had enough! I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Nothing seems to go right. I keep leaving the TV on when I go out, things in the house either go missing or misplaced. My car radio keeps switching channels, the only one that seems to work is ‘Total Anarchy FM’ and you know how much I hate that channel. I know it’s not that big a deal, but I can’t keep ignoring it. It feels like I’m living someone else’s life. 

Spoke to April about what’s been going on around the house. I told her how I’d been ‘seeing things’ and the break in. She just brushed it off when I said nothing had been stolen. “Maybe you need to get a good night's sleep,” she said. Maybe she’s right. I just can’t shake this feeling that it’s not all in my head. It’s like you’re still around, creating some kind of madness that will nudge me right towards her. It’s like even though you’re not here, you’re still pushing this…idea on me. Maybe it’s not just you. You’re not here after all. Maybe I’m afraid of what letting go means.

November 15

Amongst all the chaos, there’s only one person who’s keeping me grounded. Since the phone call, me and April have been spending more time together. I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope every time I'm with her. She keeps asking me if I’m okay, but I don’t think I even know what “okay” means to me anymore. There’s this odd mix of comfort and anxiety - like there’s something we should be saying to each other, but I can’t be the one to say it. I can’t stop thinking how the three of us, me, April and Harry were so inseparable, before everything changed. 

April’s always been there for me, even now. Even when I’m pushing her away. I don’t know how much longer I can keep putting these feelings off. I tend to live for her smile and warmth these days. I just wish I could stop holding onto the past, but I’m always being pulled back to my memories of you. 

November 16

April came by the flat today. We sat in tense silence for a while - me, her and the ghost of you. I couldn’t shake the feeling you were sitting in between us with a devilish smirk on your face trying to egg me on. Of course you weren’t there. But April took notice and she just smiled, like she knew something I didn’t. I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending…I just don’t think I'm ready and whatever you’re doing or trying to do isn’t helping. 

November 17 

I was starting to lose faith in the cameras. “Maybe I am crazy?” I thought. But Harry something happened! At 2am the TV flicked on. I hadn’t left it on, I hadn’t got up in the middle of the night in a dazed confusion, it was right there turned on by itself. Playing that terrible sitcom you used to watch. Weirder than that, I heard your laugh. I know I did! No one laughs as obnoxiously as you. I can’t believe I’m even thinking this, but Harry, is this you? Are you still here? 

There’s no way I’m telling my therapist about this. 

November 18 

Alright so here’s the plan: When I go to bed tonight, I’m gonna pretend to be asleep, and wait. The cameras will be on and I'll leave the living room door open, just a crack so I can peek inside, and wait. I need to know, Harry. I need to know what you’re trying to do. I know you’re pushing me, pushing me towards something that’s not what I want. Tonight, I’ll be the one with the upper hand - for once. 

November 19 

I’ve officially lost it. Last night I went through with the plan, cracked the door open, pretended to be asleep and waited. It was the longest night of my life lying there, each second seemed to stretch on longer and longer, listening for every creak and groan of the flat. I thought I'd nearly ruin it all because I had to pee really bad, but then it happened. 

The TV flicked on - exactly like I knew it would. I couldn’t move. My heart stopped and my stomach turned. This was real. The TV was actually on and it was blaring the same awful sitcom you loved to watch, loud enough the laugh track drowned out the soft hum of the fridge. 

And then I heard it. Louder than the fridge, louder than the show: Your obnoxious laugh. 

I shot in there so fast with my heart in my throat. I didn’t even think. Storming into the living room I was still fully expecting to find nothing…And yet, there you were. Sitting on the sofa like you’d never left it. 

And you know what you said to me? “You should see your face right now.”

I woke up on the sofa the next morning, and for a moment, I thought last night had just been a weird dream. But then I turned my head, and right in my ear, I heard the scream from hell. Naturally, I screamed back, falling off the sofa and bam - smacking my head on the coffee table in the process. When I looked up, I saw you - or something that looked like you. Same scruffy beard, spotty face, atrocious fashion sense. Whilst you were cackling like a dying animal, I was scrambling, trying to make sense of whatever the hell was going on. 

“Did you forget already?” you asked, so casual. How could I ever forget? 

I swear I thought I was crazy, but there you were. You. My best friend. Your ghost. I can’t believe I’m writing this, but you said it yourself, like it was another one of your pranks. I tried to punch you. Of course my fist went straight through you. Now there’s fist-sized hole in the living room wall and a question mark-sized hole in my head. 

November 27 

Safe to say, strange doesn’t begin to describe the week I’ve had. My roommate is a ghost. I am living with the haunting apparition of my dead friend. Weird thing is, it isn’t much different than before. He - or you? I don’t even know anymore - lounges around the house all day watching TV and in the evenings goes out to do…What do ghosts even do? Occasionally, he’ll tag along to the office. 

I definitely know I’m not crazy anymore because I saw you ‘help’ rearrange Carol’s paperwork yesterday - who knew ghosts could mess with filling systems? April thinks I’ve got a secret prank streak going on. No way am I about to tell her the truth. 

It’s oddly comforting, though. Like I’ve got a part of you back. Like a part of myself back. But every so often, I catch you with this…I’m not really sure, knowing expression. Like you’re waiting for me to do something. It’s only when I talk to April, you seem to change. You’re on edge. You keep doing little things that are changing the dynamic between me and her and it’s just driving us apart even more. Was I right this whole time? Maybe I’ll work up the courage to ask you one of these days, but for now I’m just happy you’re still with me. I would appreciate it if you stopped wreaking havoc around the office so me and April can have time to ‘talk’ though. 

November 29

We don’t talk about the night before the accident. It almost feels unreal to me now. I can’t get over this feeling - that there’s a reason for this, a reason for you to be back here. I’m afraid that if I try to figure it out, I’ll lose you - again. Let’s just keep things how they are, please? Who else is gonna make me coffee at work, Jane? Hell no. 

You told me today that ‘your purpose’ and the reason you’re still around is to make me tell April how I feel about her. But what does that mean? I don’t even know how I feel about her and you just keep pushing and pushing me. You seem to think that it will help you move on, but I know that’s not it. There’s always been a side of you that you keep guarded and protected and I wonder now…Is that what’s keeping you here? 

November 30 

“Did you write this?” April asked, placing a note on my desk. A confession with my name on it, but not in my handwriting. Her question hung in the air, my heart shattered. All I could manage was, “Harry…”

I didn’t even think before blurting it out, “Harry wrote it.” That’s when the weight of it all came crashing down upon me, all at once. 

Her eyes flickered with something - pity, confusion? I couldn’t sit there to find out. I had to get out. I ran, not caring how mad I looked. How thick my footsteps were in the heavy silence. I heard her heels clicking behind me, but I didn’t stop until I reached the lift. I slammed the button and the mechanism began to spark. As she reached out, I quickly pushed her arm away just as the doors began to viciously shut. 

“Running won’t fix this,” your voice sliced through the air. 

My voice was shaky and suffocated by the cold steel walls around me, I could only whisper. “Why are you still here?” 

With the rabble of the other employees attempting to rescue me, only you were the one to get through. “I - I wanted to help you.”

“Liar.” I replied, my chest tightening. 

I knew his unfinished business wasn’t watching TV and banging up furniture. I knew it wasn’t getting me together with April. He never cared about that before. It was me. There was something about me that wouldn’t let you move on. I couldn’t deny it anymore. 

“The night before you, uh, died,” I started, my throat tight “I–” The words choked on themselves, too heavy to say aloud. How could I say that the same reason I didn’t want to let you go was the same reason you couldn’t? 

“Just say it!” you urged, a tone I had never heard from your voice before - vulnerable and desperate. 

“I think I always knew,” I whispered. “You didn’t move on because of me - because of what I said. It was never about me and April, was it?”. 

The noise outside had died down. The ambient hum of the lift was our whole world, just for that moment. 

“You always knew?” you asked. 

I had one chance and I messed it all up. I’m not gonna waste another. I nodded, my voice gaining strength, “I wasn’t ready to hear it then. I didn’t know how to deal with it. But…I’m sorry. I just…I am.” 

The air was like glass, but your voice was so fragile, “I was trying to make you see it. But you’ve always been the one I couldn’t let go.” 

My pulse pounded in my ears, my hands trembled. “Harry I - I don’t know what to do with this.” I confessed. 

“I know,” you said, with heavy regret. “But you don’t have to do anything. I just needed you to know.” 

The lift doors suddenly flew open, the sound of the outside jarring and pulling me right back into normality. 

When I looked back, you were gone. 

May 26 - For Hary 

Hey, it’s been awhile. Happy Birthday! I don’t know if you’re still out there, if you are then maybe drop by the flat? I’d leave a key out for you, but you can just float through walls so…Anyway, I suppose I ought to thank you. April and I have been going out for around six months now thanks to your note. I hate how right you were. I just hope that wherever you are, you’re taking it easy. I’m gonna leave this open for you, just on my desk, every day and if you ever need to be reminded...

Here’s today’s - and forever’s - honesty: I love you and I miss you. And I still haven’t forgotten those Coco Smilies you owe me, but I know how hard it is for a ghost to get a job these days, so I forgive you.