The tea that saved my life

“Can I offer you a cup of tea love” a kindly voice said to my left.

I jumped, startled. I looked up and could barely make out the figure who had spoken to me from my swollen tear soaked eyes. I shook my head and kept walking.

I was fourteen years old, what I would want with a cup of tea I thought.

I turned left at the next intersection. The voice of the lady played on repeat in my mind. I had few recollections of an adult speaking to me like I mattered that the times it occurred I would keep locked in my brain like a protective comfort blanket.

Three streets up I turned right and started my ascent up the hill, through the long grass strewn with rubbish and cans of soft drink. After twenty meters the rubbish dwindled, the grass got longer and the trees sparse at first became thicker.

I got to the top of the hill and climbed my tree. My eyesight was still impeded but I came to this place so often my body new what to do from memory.

I sat until it got dark, no one would be out looking for me. I was sure that in other towns, and other streets and in other homes parents would panic if they didn’t know where their children were. I wasn’t born in those other towns.

My eyes were less puffy now, time and the cooler air had helped reduce the swelling, I took a long deep breath, the way my poppy had taught me to do before he had died. I was starting to get cold and tired, there was no one in this world that wanted me to be safe, but me, and so I started my descent down the tree.

I made my way home, keeping to the shadows and hid when I needed to avoid the predators, the human predators that use the darkness of night to hunt their prey and each other.

When my poppy was growing up in this town it was a happy place to live, he used to ride his bike through the town with his friends, they would catch frogs in the creek and play baseball in the fields. Drugs, is what poppy said had destroyed the town and any chance I had of growing up in the golden days of my poppy’s childhood. He had tried hard to give me just a taste of his childhood but he was sick when I was born and then he was taken from me defending my mother.

From my conception drugs had played the main role in my life. My mother had used when she was pregnant with me and I was born addicted. Drugs controlled when I ate, when I would be abused, when there was peace in our house and when there were lights and power on.

I got to the house where the offer of tea had come from. I looked up and to my surprise the lady was sitting on a swinging chair with a porch light on that illuminated most of the front yard. I stood still confused that I had never noticed a house on this street that looked put together, there was no broken windows, or rubbish strewn in the front yard and the grass was mowed.

The lady stopped swinging the chair when she noticed me staring. I quickly put my head down and started to walk away.

“Hello angel” she called.

I stopped walking, my body betraying my determined mind. I turned and looked at her with a blank expression on my face. She was walking slowly towards me with an outstretched arm. She had on a blue cardigan that despite her robust size was too big. Her bright floral dress gave off an aroma of sweet perfume that I could only smell through correlation as she was too far away.

I felt drained as I watched her walk closer to me. I didn’t move, I couldn’t. There was no energy left in me. It was as though the closer she got to me, the burden that had kept me going for 14 years was now too much for me to carry alone.

She made her way too me slowly as though I was an injured animal she was trying to rescue. When she was a few steps away she held out both her arms. As if on instinct I closed the gap and fell into those outstretched arms. I didn’t cry, I didn’t think, I just stood there letting this stranger hug me and hold me up, passing my burden to her.

After a while I am not sure how long it could have been ten minutes or an hour. She pulled us apart so I was facing her, to my surprise she had tears in her eyes.

“My names is Eddie, do you want that cup of tea?” she asked just as sweetly as the first time.

This time I nodded and allowed her to take my hand and walk me into her house. It smelt like her. I had never been into a house that was so clean and tidy. The few friends I had and friends of my mother’s all had house’s that resembled my own, untidy, torn furniture, broken light bulbs with an odour of unclean filth.

She gestured for me to sit on a two seater couch in her living room as she headed towards the kitchen. Most of the houses in town were near identical with a few little tweaks, three small bedrooms and one bathroom. Eddie’s house with its smell and cleanliness seemed like it was from a different planet. I sat down gingerly and for the first time I felt the shock of being hugged and then entering into the house of a complete stranger. I thought about getting up and walking out of the house but I didn’t. I became hypnotised by the floral pattern on the couch. I had no idea what flowers they were but I found myself tracing the pattern with my finger.

As Eddie walked around the corner I looked up and gave her a shy smile.  She returned it with one that reached her eyes. She looked to be in her 60’s with her bouncy deep brown greying curls. She said not a word to me and continued to pour two cups of tea from a pot with a pattern that almost matched the couch cushions.

“Hannah” I blurted out “Um, sorry my name is Hannah” I croaked.

“That’s a lovely name” she said genuinely.

“My poppy named me” I said sounding like I was ten years younger than my true age.

Eddie placed two sweet biscuits on the saucer before she passed the cup of tea to me. I took my first sip and made a disgusted look. Eddie giggled, a beautiful sound which in time I would grow to love.

“Try dipping one of the biscuits in angel” she said.

I dipped a biscuit in and ate it and to my surprise it tasted lovely. I gobbled the biscuits down, I hadn’t eaten since yesterday. Eddie didn’t comment and kept passing me more biscuits. When I was full of biscuits and comforting tea I rested back on the couch.

I looked towards Eddie and she smiled, I returned the smile. I looked around the room and noticed photos of a happy little boy and girl.

“Are they your children?” I asked gingerly and turned back to look at Eddie. There was a slight pained expression before her smile returned.

“Oh yes, my beautiful babies, Gracie and Adam” she said.

I didn’t want to pry but I couldn’t help myself asking where they were.

“Oh they’re both grown up and moved away” she said with her voice cracking at the end.

“Oh” was all I could muster in response. I felt my eyes starting to close. Eddie surprised me by starting to stand. To avoid embarrassment I jumped to my feet.

She came towards me and put a hand on my shoulder “come tomorrow after school I’ll make dinner” she stated nodding her head.

“I don’t……..” I started to say go to school but Eddie cut me off.

“After school, ok” she said.

She walked me to the door and gave me a hug before she closed it she whispered “get home safe and sleep well angel”.

To my surprise I set my alarm before I went to sleep and woke up in time for school. I had to jump over several bodies, syringes and other drug paraphernalia on my way to the front door.

I sat through the entire school day which surprised myself and my teachers. As soon as the school day finished I ran towards Eddie’s house. I walked up to her door step and was about to knock when the door swung open.

“Hannah, come on in angel there is some food on the table” she said sweetly as she gave me a hug.

I almost skipped to the dinning room, which to my delight had sandwiches, fruit and a large homemade chocolate cake.

Eddie and I fell into a pattern over the next few years, I would go to school and then straight to her house until it was time for me to go to bed. Despite my begging she would never let me stay the night. She would send me home with a brown paper bag for my school lunch. On the weekends Eddie would help me with my school work in time I was almost at an average level for my grade. I would help her with her garden, doing the weeding which she struggled with her arthritic knees.

My mother for her part never asked me where I went. She would pinch my skin at times and comment that I was fat. I guess when someone goes from being borderline emaciated to healthy they may appear overweight.

I was sneaking in to the house late one night with my brown paper bag. To my horror my mother was awake sitting on the couch with her latest boyfriend. Her straggly greasy hair hanging down her back, her anorexicly thin body dressed in a tight black top and short denim skirt. She was trying to impress this one, I thought. She looked up to me with a stoned expression on her face. I put my head down and kept moving towards my room.

“Get over here” she yelled.

I moved towards my room, she caught up to me and yanked my hair back pulling me around to face her.

“Fuck off” I yelled.

She slapped my face hard and grabbed the brown bag out of my hand she looked into it with a slightly disappointed look on her face. She ran over to her boyfriend and sat on the couch offering him my lunch. I walked straight to my room, closed and locked the door, crying myself to sleep with my throbbing cheek.

 I went straight to Eddie’s house the next morning instead of school. To my surprise there were a couple of nurses in uniform leaving her house. They looked at me briefly but suspiciously before walking towards their car. I felt a fear so primeval I didn’t stop to knock on her door I barged straight in and started yelling for her.

“Hannah, Hannah “she called, as she came around the corner from her living room.

Relief washed over me. “The nurses” was all I could say.

“Oh angel, it was my needle for my diabetes, they come every month, it’s nothing to worry about” she soothed.

Then looking at my face she shook her head. She went to the kitchen and came back with an icepack.

We sat there hugging each other, I clung on to her, she was the only person I had in the world and I was determined to never let her go, I needed her too much. I knew that she needed me too. She never spoke badly about them but I had never met Adam or Gracie. Whenever I asked her about that she would tell me that they were busy but she was so proud of them. I never pushed further.

Eddie got me through high school, she was there when I graduated and she was with me when I got into university on a full scholarship. We both knew it would mean I would have to move away but she burst into tears of pride. I made sure to come back weekly and we spoke every day.

I am not sure if my mother realised I had even moved out. Every other visit to Eddie I would stop by my mother’s house to drop off some food, on occasion I would see her, she was aging fast and in no time she looked older than Eddie.

Overtime my world expanded bigger than just Eddie. I met a supportive man named Ben, and his family were wonderful. I got a steady well-paying job and even had work friends. But Eddie was still my centre.

I was twenty five when I received the call I had been expecting, it was a relief to be honest. My mother had overdosed. She had laid dead in her house for a week. I would never shed a tear for her. I arranged her funeral, Eddie helped. Only three people attended other than the celebrant. Ben offered to come but I refused, I only needed Eddie. An old high school friend of my mother’s Jackie came, she had led the same life as my mother. I can remember times when my mother would beat me and Jackie stood by and watched.

After the funeral was done I turned and thanked Eddie.

“Wait is that Eddie, the Eddie Williams, the one that killed her kids, holy shit” Jackie exclaimed from behind us.

I turned back to Eddie she looked at me with abject horror she quickly turned and almost ran out of the funeral parlour. I stood still shocked, Jackie walked past me.

“Wait Jackie” I called.

“What do you mean she killed her kids? By accident you mean” I almost begged.

“No” Jackie scoffed “She was on drugs and gassed them”.

Jackie turned obnoxiously, and loudly whispered “at least I never did anything like that” she continued on and I said I silent prayer that I would never see Jackie again.

I would never have believed a single thing Jackie said if I didn’t see the look on Eddie’s face. My world shattered. I was rooted to the spot.

I eventually got in my car and drove home to Ben. By the time I got there I was a mess my eyes were puffy and tear stained. He initially thought I was crying over my mother. He allowed me time to talk and at the end he gently said “well you have to talk to her”.

I spent the weekend in bed, barely sleeping, Eddie had tried to call me multiple times. I never picked up. I called in sick on Monday. I decided I had to know the truth, I drove straight to Eddie’s house.

I opened the door and called out for her. When she came out of the kitchen she looked as I felt, like she hadn’t slept. She reached for my hand and I took it. She gently guided me into her living room.

“It’s true” she almost whispered “I killed Adam and Gracie” her voiced cracked.

I went to stand up, she looked at me with pleading eyes. I owed her this. I heard a voice of reason say in my head that sounded like my poppy.

“Fucking drugs” I said.

“No Hannah no” she pleaded.

Eddie begun again “I had a third child, Annie…….we named her, and she was a beautiful baby girl. Your eyes reminded me of her little ones. Annie died when she was only a week old, she had a problem with her heart. I never took drugs Hannah, never, my husband did. And I went through the same thing you did with your mum. I came home after Annie died and my brain, it broke Hannah. Postpartum psychosis they call it. I couldn’t get out of bed at first and then the voices came, they were quiet at first and then they were yelling at me constantly, they told me that if I killed myself and Adam and Gracie we would be taken away to a parallel universe, a better one where Annie lived and my husband, he wasn’t on drugs. At first I didn’t believe them. But then I stopped sleeping and well I will spare you the details, but I did it” her voice cracked and trailed off to barely a whisper. “I will understand if you never want to see me again Hannah, it’s what I deserve”.

I had tears streaming down my face. I looked at the photos on the wall of Adam and Gracie, they were happy kids. They loved their mum, she had given them a good life, a short life but a good one. I turned to Eddie and grabbed her to me. We both cried, cried for our lives and the trauma we had experienced.

Eddie kissed my check as she held me close and whispered “can I get you a cup of tea my love”.