Help Wanted

Craigslist>Ann Arbor>Jobs>Household Help

Help wanted with household chores. Retired widow living in a large home in need of help with cleaning, gardening, cooking, etc. Great part-time job for a young woman in college or otherwise. Please email if you are interested in scheduling an interview. References required.

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Oh hi, sweetheart. You must be Amber. Look at you! The boys must be tripping over themselves to stand next to you. Come on in. I have a kettle on the stove. Let’s sit down over a cup of tea and I can tell you what kind of help I need and you can decide if this is right for you. Come with me.

I like the basic black tea from Lipton but I have a bunch of other varieties. What would you prefer? Oh, you drink black tea as well? Okay, easy enough then. I’ll bring the sugar and lemon. Would you like some milk as well? Very good. Just sugar and lemon. The proper way. I like you already.

Have a seat at the table, dear. Let’s talk about this. You see, my husband Harold passed away a few years ago and it has just been getting more and more difficult for me to take care of this place. We have always wanted to keep it in the family but I’m getting older now and it just keeps getting more and more difficult to manage. I need some help. Is this something you might be interested in?

Oh, that’s delightful! I’m so pleased. And trust me, it won’t be too demanding. I’m not very difficult. You’ll see. I think we’re going to get along just fine. Can I get you anything to go with that tea? I have some of those nice Biscotti pastries. They are so good. Would you like one? No? Okay. If you change your mind just let me know.

So, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Oh. Really?

That’s very interesting!

And did you grow up nearby? Do you have family here?

Can you please just excuse me for a moment? I need to visit the lady’s room. I will be right back. Just make yourself comfortable. I won’t be long. Are you sure you don't want a Biscotti? Okay, but I am going to have one, I think. They are so good. Be right back.

Sorry. Maybe that was a little longer than I implied. My sister called and I had to speak with her for a few minutes. You look sort of tired now so just come with me, dear. I want to show you around the house and some of the responsibilities that come with this position. Let’s start downstairs. Are you okay, sweetheart? Hold my arm. You seem a little unsteady and I wouldn’t want you to fall on the staircase down to the basement.

Okay, so this was my late husband Harold’s workshop before he passed away. I know that over in this corner of the cellar it almost looks like a jail cell. A bit strange, for certain. It was like that when we bought the house over thirty years ago. We never learned why. Maybe the previous owners kept pets there. Are you okay? You look like you are having some trouble.

I’m sorry, Dear. I have a confession to make. I wasn’t quite honest about everything with you just now. This is my husband Harold right here inside this closet holding those zip-ties. Just take a seat on the cot here inside the cell, sweetheart.

No! No! Don’t struggle. Harold is tall and still very strong for his age and he does not want to hurt you. Neither do I, but we will if you force us to.

See? See? 

That would not have been necessary but we will do it again. Stop crying, dear. You brought that on yourself, and I can see by your eyes that you are growing more tired now. We are going to leave those zip-ties on your wrists and ankles for now but if you are a good girl we will remove them once you fall asleep in a few minutes. I don’t know if you tasted anything odd about that cup of tea that I served you.

Let me explain the two main things that you need to know. We want to give you some time to consider these two things during the hours between when you wake up down here tomorrow morning and when we bring you some food and water tomorrow night. We will explain the system of rewards and punishments in more detail then. Well, I will explain them. Harold doesn’t really speak anymore since the stroke. 

Stay awake now. This is important.

The first thing is this. Do you see that nylon ankle strap that Harold secured to your right leg? That contains a location-tracking device that automatically alerts my iPhone if you somehow manage to escape the secured perimeter we have set for you. As you surely saw on your drive out here, this is a lonely road that we live on. A very lonely road. We are way out here in the country, right? You know this. It will take a while to get anywhere, and Harold is going to drive your little old Honda right into Bromus Swamp just down the highway after you fall asleep.

To quote Johnny Cash, my favorite musician ever (Harold’s too, back when his hearing was still good), “You can run on for a long time. Sooner or later God’ll cut you down.” We are your new Gods, and we will cut you down if you try to run. Trust me. Don’t challenge us, sweetheart. Just don’t challenge us.

The second thing is this. Do you see that second nylon ankle strap that Harold just secured to your left leg? That is a dog training device. It emits a shock when activated and at top voltage it is quite unpleasant. Harold tested it on himself once to confirm this and our old bullmastiff, Rufus, let out a real good squeal the first time he felt it. And as you can see, Harold just secured two more of them to your leg.

I can see you are getting rather sleepy now so I will let you rest, Sweetheart. Tomorrow night, after you have some dinner, we will talk more and go over your daily duties and all of the rules you need to follow. Things will be fine if you just follow the rules. The previous girl lasted almost seven years. You’ll get used to things after a while.

We’re not very difficult. You’ll see. I think we’re going to get along just fine.

THE END