Was it all a lie?

A warm blanket of air covered my whole body as I lay still in the cold grass. His hand crawled towards mine until our fingers were interlocked. Breathing in the fresh, dewy morning air I turned my head to face him. The skin on his naked body was glowing golden in the early morning sun. Beads of sweat rested on his broad chest and his dark hair stuck to his forehead. 

Around us birds were waking up and singing their morning rituals together. The early morning dog walkers would be arriving soon but I wasn’t ready yet to bring this moment to an end. Together we silently soaked in the sunrise, hand in hand, hearts entwined. 

With a deep breath he lifted his back off the ground. I stroked the indents left behind by the grass he rubbed away. 

“We should go,” He said, still facing toward the hot sun. 

I could hardly speak a word, too frightened that I would ruin the seemingly beautiful night we had just spent together. The wait was almost unbearable with the desire building inside me for months, and now it had happened I didn’t want to think about it coming to an end. 

Where are our clothes? I wondered to myself as he glanced around us. Feeling as though I had a weight on my chest preventing me from moving from my current laying down position, I looked side to side coming to the conclusion that our clothes were not there.

He reached behind me where he retrieved our clothes from the heap we left them in when we threw them down only a few hours before when we met at our usual isolated spot by the lake. His face came close to mine, close enough that I could feel his breath against my neck, causing goose bumps to swim across my skin.

Finally, at the sound of distant voices, I gave in and pulled my thin, wrap dress over my body and ran my fingers through my short hair to pull out the tangles that formed while we were in the grass. 

He had all his clothes on by this point and was tying the shoelaces on smart black boots. Only then did I wonder why he was wearing smarter clothes. Could he have come straight from work?  

“I should go before anyone sees us,” he said, nervously looking down the path to where the voices were approaching.

I thought we might spend the day together. I thought we might stop hiding. He said we could stop hiding. 

Overwhelmed with my disappointment I couldn’t find the words to reply. I let him go without so much as an objection. I watched him hurry down the path until I was left with just the images in my mind. I stayed seated firmly in the grass watching the lake water shimmer.

It had seemed perfect, like everything was coming together for the better. Now it was over so fast and I could still feel his essence around me, embracing me, just as he had the night before. His scent remained against my skin, reminding me with every breath what had happened between us. Was this the beginning or the end? 

A snuffling noise rustled over the grass around me, getting closer and closer. A wet nose print soon appeared on my exposed skin. I looked down at the scruffy white terrier leaving a wet trail down my leg. 

“Luna!” Shouted a voice from behind me, startling the dog just enough for him to slowly turn around and stumble his way back to his owners. “Sorry,” they called to me. 

What do I do now? How long am I expected to wait to hear for him? 

Slipping my sandals onto my bare feet and finally lifting myself off the ground, I sucked in some air and began my walk home. 

It was still early as I wandered through the sparse car park and into the peaceful town where cafes and shop owners were only just beginning to rise. Several coffee shops turned their closed signs to open as I passed. Without thinking I turned and stepped through the open door of one of the just open coffee shops and made my way to the counter. 

The thought of going home, to my small, clean cottage, by myself, made my head spin with the loneliness soaking through my bones. 

“Early bird?” The girl behind the counter smiled at me enthusiastically while I glanced at the menu. It was just about all I could do to smile back. I didn’t want to imagine the state I must be in, no shower or fresh makeup, my clothes wrinkled from laying on the ground, untouched for hours. 

I ordered a large coffee and took it to a seat by the window. For a moment I sipped my creamy hot drink while I watched out the window as more people began to wake up and get to work, avoiding all the questions floating through my mind. One question standing out from the rest. Was it all a lie? 

An elderly man with a newspaper under his arm and faded blue cap shuffled through the entrance to the café. He greeted the waitress cheerily and she greeted him back asking if he wanted his usual. I wondered how often he must come in for her to memorise his drink order. Maybe he was avoiding the day, just as I was.

For hours I sat at that round table by the window; watching cheery customers come and go. A group of smartly dressed business men came in at one point and my heart leapt from my chest as I thought I saw him. He was in the centre of the group and glanced my way so quickly I couldn't make out his face. The haircut was the same as his, but then, so were the haircuts of all the men waiting in line, wearing almost identical suits, with identical smart shoes, with their heads held high. I held my breath as I waited for him to see me too. What would he do? Would he speak to me? He placed his order and when I heard his voice I realised that it wasn't who I was hoping for. 

I felt my whole exhausted body deflate when the realisation hit me. I couldn’t stay there any longer. There were too many reminders of him; too many questions still unanswered. 

It was lunch time and I hadn't eaten a thing since yesterday. I wasn’t even hungry but I knew I had to eat something to bring back my rational mind that seemed to have gone on hiatus since I met him. This isn't me. 

At home I felt the scorching water running down my aching body. I needed to be fresh in case he called, or even better in case he showed up at my door. I knew that was not the rational thinking I needed but I couldn’t help myself. 

Now with a fresh change of clothes and a clean aroma I sat at my kitchen table with a stale cheese sandwich and pondered on my options. I couldn't do it anymore. A decision had to be made, and it had to be today. 

How would I contact him? I couldn't call his house. What if she answered? I could text him. But I knew he left his phone unlocked and unguarded. I could go to his office. What would they think? 

With my sandwich eaten and my head spinning just as much as before, I made a decision. I would call his office. He must be there. Why else would he have left so quickly that morning? Why else would he leave me?

When the plucky young secretary answered the phone I was informed that he was not in but she would pass on a message. What could I say that wouldn’t give anything away? 

“Please could you tell him..” I stumbled to think of something that would let him know it was me without anyone else knowing why I could be calling. “Please could you tell him.. that.. I will meet him tonight.. In the same place and time as last night.”  

“Oh.. Okay, I will make sure he knows,” the secretary said before we hung up. 

Perhaps that was too obvious. Why else would he be meeting some mystery woman two nights in a row. I felt stupid and childish, leaving messages like I was nothing more than his dirty secret. 

Why did I put myself through this? I couldn’t help but wonder if he was really worth it. Did I think about him so often because he really was as amazing and charming as I thought, or did I just feel privileged that a man like that would even look at me, let alone take an interest in me. I was just me. Plain me. 

I couldn’t go to our meeting place yet, it was too early. We met under the disguise of the night, relying on the shadows of the wildlife to hide us. 

My mind filled once again with questions I shouldn’t have to ask myself. What if he didn’t get the message? What if he got the message and decided not to come? 

But why wouldn’t he meet me? He had made promises last night, promises that I couldn’t just forget about. Could he walk away? Could he forget me? Did I mean nothing to him? 

I had to distract myself from all these thoughts, they would drive me mad, and what man wants a mad woman? 

Scratching nervously at my arms I tidied away a mess that didn’t exist and rearranged the furniture for the third time that month. The books became colour coded into rainbow order on the oak bookcase in the hallway, my mugs were bleached of any lingering stains, and my kitchen counters had never been so sparkling clean. 

After a small dinner with only myself as company I decided it was about time to make my way over to the meeting spot and get myself together before he arrived. If he arrived. 

It wasn't a long walk, but the closer I got the more I hoped he was already there composing himself for my arrival, just as I was planning to do for him. My heart thumped as I stepped onto the grassy path and circled the lake. The sun was almost set already and a deep indigo sky surrounded me. 

I was almost there, I couldn’t see him, but maybe he was sitting behind the reeds, maybe he had a blanket and was laying on it next to the space he had saved for me.  

Our meeting spot was empty. I fought the disappointment from taking over me, there was still time for him to show up. Maybe he will get the message late and have to run over in a romantic attempt to save whatever it is we had. 

Even with the sun disappearing below the surface the grass was holding its warmth from the day of clear skies. There was more of a breeze that night; a chill ran over my skin leaving goose bumps in its place. Wrapping my arms around myself I remembered the warmth I felt with him. Would I feel that warmth again tonight? 

The full moon rose illuminating the late evening with its glowing light. I watched as it came into view in the lake, shaking with the movement of the water. 

Will he come?