The Secret Keeper

“Can you keep a secret?” she asks.

“Sure, you know I can,”  he replies.

Silas wonders what it is about secrets. People are always telling him secrets and he is always keeping them safely inside him, feigning surprise when the truth comes to life. He has perfected his game face, practiced it in the mirror for years, to make sure that when the secret information eventually comes to light he can pretend it is also news to him. Often he nods along to the person’s voice to demonstrate he is paying attention and waiting for the moment when the secret is revealed. Now his cousin Annabelle is the one with the secret she needs him to keep and she doesn’t really have secrets so there must be something serious occurring. Although he secretly loves gossip, he respects the secret keeper role so the gossip ends with him.

Annabelle and Silas are three months apart, Silas being the junior cousin, and have been friends their entire lives. Their older siblings, both girls, are also close in age and with the families living only about two hours away from each other it meant they grew-up more like brother and sister. After high school Annabelle moved and they attended the local university together. She accepted a job straight out of college while Silas had been accepted to law school on the other side of the country. After graduating he accepted an associate position at a medium sized firm in Sacramento and moved home. Six months in and he started to think he might actually despise being an attorney. He reminded himself that the associates are overworked and underpaid, responsible for the crap work, and eventually it would be more manageable. He eventually made partner at age forty and the cousins had taken their families on a week long cruise, expenses paid by Silas of course. 

It is a Sunday in May and hot as hell in the valley as the two of them sit on his back patio sharing the joint Annabelle just rolled. The cousins started smoking weed together at age sixteen and despite trying pipes and fancy bongs have always preferred the more traditional method of rolling it into the paper and sharing it. When they were in college they used to laugh and think they were so much more sophisticated than their friends with their decorated metal pipes. Now they found themselves lighting up once a month or so when Silas’s kids were with their mother for the weekend. The cousins are now forty-three and forty-two, Annabelle celebrating her birthday last month. Silas’s marriage failed as his career took off and he was now a divorced bachelor with two teens he saw every other week and various holidays. Annabelle was still married, though it was an often rocky relationship, after almost twenty years and three children. She still worked at the same investment firm and had worked her way up to a director level which meant that she juggled many different proverbial balls daily. 

Annabelle slowly exhales and says “I signed up to take flying lessons”. Annabelle has dreamed of getting her pilot’s license for as long as Silas can remember. It began when they were in the fourth grade and Annabelle announced that she would be joining the Navy because she wanted to fly a F-15 fighter jet. The weekend prior their parents had taken all four cousins to the air show and Annabelle had fallen in love with the jets. That dream stayed with her for three years until reality hit and she realized that her eyesight would disqualify her and, at that time, women did not fly in combat. 

“You did not,” Silas replies with disbelief. Annabelle and Jeff had argued for years over the expense and the additional time away from the family. Annabelle had confided to Silas that Jeff really expressed resistance because he also wanted to take flying lessons and they could not afford for them both to do it. As was typical of their marriage, Jeff had successfully guilt-tripped Annabelle into setting aside her dream. 

“I did, but Jeff doesn’t know yet. I have been saving money away from my side teaching job at the university for five years and I finally have the cash to do it. It’s my money and we agreed that I get to spend it how I choose” Annabelle’s smile is joyful and Silas knows she is incredibly proud of herself. 

“What do you think he will say when he finds out?” Silas can’t resist asking. Annabelle has been expressing to Silas for years that she is bored, needs some adventure and feels restless. Silas knows that Jeff holds her back, that Annabelle could figuratively fly if she let herself, but until now she has lacked the confidence to take the initiative. 

“Well, if he wants to stay married he will say, ‘that’s great honey’ and be supportive” Annabelle says, passing the joint to Silas carefully as it has almost burned down to her fingertips. Silas has heard this all before and decides to keep that thought to himself. He slowly inhales the last drag and stubs the joint out into the ashtray he keeps hidden away and brings out only for these occasions. His attention is caught by a squirrel running quickly across the top of the wood fence separating his yard from his neighbor, while the neighboring chihuahua’s high pitched bark follows the squirrel the length of the yard. When the squirrel reaches the end of Silas’s fence, it makes a sharp right turn running up the length of the fence towards his front yard and away from the potential predator. For a moment he equates the squirrel running to freedom to the step Annabelle has taken towards her freedom.

The two of them sit in silence, contemplating Annabelle’s revelation and potential impact to her relationship, for another thirty minutes until Annabelle announces she needs to get home so they can relaunch their weekly family Sunday dinner. She stands to leave and turns to Silas and he sees that her eyes are wet but there is a smile on her face. “This is a big step Annabelle, I’m proud of you and I am here” he says. 

“I know. You have been here my entire life, I wouldn’t have made it this far without you. I start Wednesday afternoon, I’ll let you know how it goes” she replies and with that she heads out the side gate to her car. 

On Wednesday afternoon Annabelle gathers her purse and says goodbye to her assistant for the day. Her mood is one of elation and excitement. She has been dreaming of this day for more years than she can remember and there is a part of her that is struggling to believe it is actually real. Her feet barely touch the fiery hot pavement as she walks to her car, she feels light and hopeful. Marriage to Jeff has been rewarding in many ways, and stifling in many others. As an educated career woman also raising children she needs a partner who offers unconditional support in return for the unconditional support she offers. Jeff just isn’t that guy. She remembers back to the 2008 election and the introduction of Sarah Palin to the political stage. She was a new player so there were many interviews and mini-documentaries released about her and her family life. It was clear to Annabelle that the secret to Sarah’s career success was clearly the unconditional support of her husband Todd. “I need a Todd Palin” she has repeated in her head for twelve years. But Jeff was not a Todd Palin. He was not willing or able to set aside his needs to truly support her dreams. There was always a limit, whether it was directly communicated or just implied, and when Annabelle reached that limit she had to decide whether to push it or cave. Historically she caved and was left with a sense of disappointment and failure, as well as an emptiness that grew year over year. 

She opens the car door and slides into the driver's seat for the hour long drive to the airfield. She chose the Nut Tree Airport program because of the cost but also because of the ratings of the program. It was an hour’s drive each way which Annabelle doesn’t mind as the time she spends in the car each day was the extent of her alone time and opportunity to recharge. The drive to the airport is fairly easy, as it is early afternoon and the traffic is light. As Annabelle pulls into the airport parking lot, she sees a small Cessna quickly rising into the air and her heartbeat immediately speeds up. Early in her career with the firm, she had an opportunity to travel with several executives in a private jet to a meeting in central California. On the return trip the pilot overheard her make a comment about wanting to get her license and offered for her to sit up front in the co-pilot seat. She was pretty sure he was also hitting on her but she did not care and had jumped at the opportunity. Next to the births of her children it was one of the top five best days of her life. She had put on the headphones and as the plane rose into the sky and the earth fell away from her she was overcome with emotion and had to bite her lip to keep from crying tears of joy and embarrassing herself. She and the pilot talked during the entire trip, though to this day she cannot remember about what, as they flew over mountains and vineyards and past the beautiful skyscrapers of San Francisco before heading East to home. 

Annabelle should probably feel bad about keeping this from Jeff, but she doesn’t. In fact, she feels free for the first time in her life as she rarely makes decisions on her own about what is best for her. The repetition of work and family has worn her down to where she questions herself, her wants and needs, her ideas and even her own thoughts, regularly. She has known for years that she needs change, that her marriage and raising children does not allow her the space to invest in herself, but the element of guilt always arrives and she talks herself out of making the changes. 

“Hi, you must be Annabelle” a young woman greets her as she enters the office. It is a simple building, drywall built into the large hangar to create an office with walls covered in pictures of airplanes from the last hundred years. In many of the pictures, there is a proud smiling pilot standing next to the plane. In the pictures of the older planes the pilot is in military dress while the more recent pictures feature civilians that Annabelle assumes are probably former students. 

“Yes, I am Annabelle” 

“Great, we are so excited to have you here, this is a big step. Today won’t be a lesson, but an introductory flight meaning you will go out with the instructor for a thirty-minute flight to help you decide if this is something you really want to do before making the time and financial commitment”. With that said, the woman hands Annabelle a stack of papers that appear to be at least a quarter inch thick, a pen and a clipboard. “Just complete the first ones until you come to the yellow divider. If after the introductory flight you decide to continue, we will have you complete the rest and schedule you for the medical exam”. Annabelle nods and takes the stack of papers over to a waiting area with four folding chairs. Her hands are shaking as she begins to complete the first page, which asks for the usual demographic information as well as questions about why the potential student is interested in the program. She completes the first part and returns to the desk to hand in the paperwork. 

The woman, whose name is Martina according to her name tag, smiles as she takes the stack of papers and reviews them for completion. Martina smiles and says to follow her out to the hangar and the two women walk through a door towards a man smiling and waving. “That’s Gary and if you decide to continue with the training he will be your instructor. He’s the best; he flew in the first Gulf War for the Navy and has thousands of hours of instructor time. You are in the best hands. Let me take your purse and we will get you all set up”. 

Gary approaches Annabelle with a welcoming smile on his face. She guesses he is in his mid to late fifties with few wrinkles and slight graying of his hair. As he greets her they warmly shake hands. Annabelle’s apprehension is decreasing and her nerves are calming with each step towards the plane as Gary starts to talk, introducing himself and the plane and talking about the process. The plane is a Cessna 172 CE-Skyhawk, according to Gary it is the standard pilot training plane. This one is white, with red and black stripes on the side and the number N225T on the tail. It has two seats and when Annabelle climbs in and sees the instrumentation she catches her breath as a wave of fear washes over her. How will she possibly learn to use all of this confidently? Gary must be reading her mind, or she is just displaying a common reaction of new trainees, because he says “don’t worry, I promise by the time we are done you will know what every dial and button does”. He climbs into the seat to her left and in minutes they are in the air and again Annabelle’s eyes are wet with tears. 

Annabelle opens the door and walks into the entryway of Silas’s house. Usually she would be balancing several bags of groceries and supplies with three kids in tow. But today is all about her and the only thing in her hands is her coconut milk latte and her purse. It has been a full eighteen months since Annabelle’s introductory flight and she received the results of her certification exam last week. Generally the program takes between three and six months, but for a working mother who has also initiated a divorce, it was extended significantly. Silas and her kids have planned a small celebration at Silas’s house to recognize her accomplishment, which is the first time Annabelle can remember that a party was thrown in her honor that she did not have to plan herself. She makes her way through the living room towards the french doors opening up on the patio and begins to hear familiar voices coming from the back yard. As she appears in the door, her youngest shouts “she’s here” and instantly fifty faces of her parents, sister, extended family and closest friends turn in her direction. Applause erupts demonstrating that they know how significant this accomplishment is to Annabelle. The decision to put herself first and pursue her dream kicked off a chain reaction of change in her life. Over the past year and a half she has begun to successfully reclaim her identity as a whole person, not a combination of roles that pleases and does for others.

As she makes eye contact with Silas she knows that it hasn’t been easy; the split with Jeff was painful and the kids were devastated. There was a part of Annabelle that was devastated too and she almost recanted several times to make the pain dissipate. Being in the air every week, learning to confidently use the Cessna’s instruments and GPS helped her to keep her goal in mind, even when Jeff was crying and promising to change. She doesn’t know what the future will bring, but for now she knows she has taken back parts of her that have been lost for years and added new parts she had only dreamed about. She walks down the stairs, into the crowd of friendly faces and hugs, feeling strong and ready to move forward.