Pandora's War

Tonight was family night. No, not that family. The extended family. It was a night for tiptoeing around your aunt’s political views and pretending to like your cousins. It was a night for trying and failing to keep your kids from playing with their food. But worst of all, it was the night when Harvey would have to see his younger brother Derek. And that would have been enough.

           Harvey had been trying to get out of it all week. He tried faking a fever by hiding a hot water bottle under the covers, but his wife Elaine wasn’t buying it. Tonight was important, she said. It was his grandmother’s 92^nd birthday, she reminded him. And besides, Elaine liked Greek food.

           And so they packed up their three kids in the van, strapping seven-year-old Stacey extra tightly into a booster seat, and headed off—only to return two minutes later, having forgotten grandma’s present. And then they were off again.

            “There’s a parking spot right there!” said Elaine, pointing next to them as they neared the restaurant. It was a busy Saturday night and they were already five minutes late.

           “Whoops, too late!” Harvey drove past the spot. He had recognized his brother’s bright red Tesla immediately. He had no desire to park his 1997 Chevrolet Astro Cargo next to that. The two vehicles didn’t belong on the same block.

           They parked a ways away and hurried to the restaurant. There seemed to be a flow of pedestrians coming from the opposite direction, making progress a slog. Elaine scooped up Stacey in one arm and carried her high heels in other. Elaine went barefoot. Harvey went on ahead, clearing a path for his family. He did his best to corral the other kids, narrowly keeping Tobey from smashing his head into a streetlight.

           “Don’t walk and text!” Harvey reminded him. Tobey only mumbled something and didn’t put his phone away. Meanwhile Adam was carrying the gift bag and swinging it wildly from side to side. Harvey checked his watch. They were seven minutes late.

           At last they arrived, having worked up an appetite in the rush there. Pandora’s was a three-story restaurant at the corner of a busy intersection on Marine Drive, the city of White Rock’s main street. A bust of the Greek goddess herself sat perched above the restaurant’s front entrance.

           “Ten minutes late, of course,” said Derek laughing, loud enough for the whole place to hear. “You’re giving the Guthrie family a bad name.”

           The family had reserved a private room on the top floor, overlooking the ocean. Harvey immediately felt underdressed in his polo shirt and khakis. His brother Derek stood to greet them in a full suit and tie. His grandmother, elegant as always, wore a sleek black dress.

           Tobey, Adam, and Stacey were intercepted by grandma first and were given their customary hugs and kisses. Adam and Stacey were enthusiastic. Tobey merely accepted the circumstances. But Harvey did note that Tobey had finally put his phone away.

           “Grandma,” said Harvey, leaning in for a kiss. “Happy birthday.”

           “My Harvey,” she said with a smile. Then her expression changed, and she turned into his worried grandmother. “You look tired. Have you been getting enough sleep?”

           “No more than usual,” Harvey replied. “Why, do I look that bad?”

           “Worse for wear I’d said. It can’t be that you’re not getting fed enough. You’re a little plumper around the middle.” She turned to Elaine. “You’re spoiling him, I see.”

           “No more than usual,” said Elaine, sharing a look with Harvey.

           As they were the last ones to arrive, they had no choice about where to sit. Harvey did his best to avoid sitting next to his younger brother Derek, even asking Elaine to switch places. But she was in conversation with Harvey’s aunt and didn’t hear him. Elaine sat down, and then it was too late to make a change without raising eyebrows. Harvey took a seat at last, defeated, right next to his brother.

           Derek toothy grin reappeared. “Harvey, I’m glad you could make it! Was there a lot of traffic?”

           Harvey took a sip of ice water and swallowed before answering. “You’re not going to believe this. We actually got here about an hour ago and decided to go for a walk along the beach. Just some family time. And before we knew it we were late!”

           “Ah, I see,” said Derek. “Well I suppose time with the kids is important. I’m always wishing I could spend more time with Pierre and Alexi. But duty calls.”

           Harvey only nodded.

           Derek continued. “Of course, they did love our little trip to Seattle the other weekend. I was able to combine it with a business trip. The company put us up in a gorgeous hotel, like two blocks from the waterfront. I was surprised—one of Pierre and Alexi's favorite things was visiting Starbucks headquarters. Have you been there? It’s high class. Grace loved it too. Does your company ever do that?”

           “I don’t think—did you say your kids like Starbucks? Aren’t they a little young for coffee?”

           “Maybe. But I see it as their edge on the competition. How else are they supposed to get through this fast-paced world? Why, doesn’t Tobey drink coffee yet?”

           “He’s thirteen.”

           “My kids are eight and ten but you don’t see them complaining. They like it. It helps with the cool factor at school, you know?”

           Harvey looked down the table towards the kids. They were all intermingled now. Next to Elaine sat Stacey and Adam. Then Pierre and Tobey and Alexi.

           Derek was saying something about how well-behaved his children were, but Harvey didn’t care to listen.

           Alexi and Pierre sat perfectly poised, as if they knew they were being watched. But Harvey detected a hint of mischief in Pierre’s eye. His hand was resting on the table, next to Adam’s menu. The moment Adam looked away, Pierre delicately slid the menu underneath Adam’s water glass. Pierre then placed his own menu on his lap, out of sight. What was he doing?

           Then Pierre looked as if he was asking Adam for something. Adam nodded and grabbed his menu to hand it to Pierre. But in the process the water glass flew up and went rolling around the table with a clatter.

           All eyes went to Adam. His cheeks burned red in the unnatural stillness. Elaine gave him a death stare.

           “Sorry,” he mumbled. Elaine leaned towards the center of the table to pick up the glass. It hadn’t broken, thankfully. A waiter was called over. It was agreed upon that Adam, age eleven, could not handle a real glass and was given a purple sippy cup instead. Elaine apologized to everyone again.

           Harvey looked to Pierre, who had a slight grin. Pierre looked at his sister Alexi and winked. She winked back. Harvey’s mouth hung open in disbelief. Those little demons.

           “Well then,” said Derek, his forehead creased. “Some kids these days, right? Haven’t developed their fine motor skills yet.”

           Everyone seemed to think Derek’s kids were angels. But Harvey was less than impressed. They needed a good talking-to. Or some of their own medicine. The thought of pulling a prank on someone, much less a kid, hadn’t crossed Harvey’s mind in years. But something new was welling up inside him tonight. This was about family honor. He would wipe that smug smile off Derek’s face. And that meant Alexi and Pierre were going down.

           Harvey ordered the lamb. Derek of course volunteered to say grace. But it was less a prayer of thanksgiving and more of an observation about how lucky grandma was to have such successful grandkids, such as himself.

           Harvey’s two skewers of lamb souvlaki arrived, along with roast potatoes and Greek salad. He didn’t like black olives. But neither did Pierre, he remembered. Not one bit. Pierre had gotten spanakotas filled with cheese, spinach, and chicken. But that didn’t matter. Harvey smiled to himself.

           Once everyone had started eating, he called Adam over for a talk.

           “Now Adam, you have to be more careful when you’re at a fancy restaurant,” Harvey began, ushering Adam into the corner of the room for a more private conversation.

           “I know,” said Adam, still embarrassed. “I don’t know how it happened.”

           Harvey lowered his voice. “I do. That spilled water was no accident. Pierre sabotaged you. Do you know what the word sabotage means? He stabbed you in back.”

           “He did?”

           “He set you up, and took you down like the cruel, heartless, coffee-drinking clown he is.”

           Adam looked more confused. “Pierre drinks coffee?”

           “Here’s what you’re going to do.” Harvey searched in his pocket and pulled out a black olive. “Take this.”

           “Ew, gross. It has a hair on it.”

           “Even better. When Pierre’s not looking, you’re going to stuff this little beauty into his spanakota. And when he takes a bite, whamo! We got him.”

           Adam’s eyes lit up. “Payback?”

           “Payback, baby.”

           They resumed their places and waited. Harvey felt like he couldn’t eat a bite. This was going to be so perfect. That black olive would be launched across the room once Pierre tasted it. And then everyone would see how poised Derek’s kids really were.

           Harvey could feel the tension building. Then the moment came. Pierre turned to his left, talking with Tobey. Adam looked at Harvey and got the nod.

           Adam took out the olive, which had been cleverly concealed under the rim of his plate, and began the procedure. But then Harvey noticed something. Pierre hadn’t let go of his fork and knife, so his hands were partially obstructing the plate. Harvey’s eyes widened. He tried to signal Adam, but to no avail.

           Slowly, carefully, Adam positioned the black olive just inside the next bite of spanakota that Pierre had cut off. He began his retreat, but as he did so the unthinkable happened. He brushed Pierre’s hand.

           “What are you doing?” said Pierre loudly. “Touching my dinner?”

           Elaine was quick to the scene, unfortunately. “Adam, that’s disgusting, get your hands off Pierre’s food!

           Once again, all eyes at the table turned to Adam. Harvey didn’t even have to look to see Derek’s raised eyebrows. He knew his brother.

           Adam looked down in shame.

           “And what’s this?” cried Pierre, even louder this time. “You put something in here!”

           The black olive was discovered and the uproar continued. Accusations of sinister motives flew through the air. Questions about where Adam had retrieved an olive from his own dish of Greek meatballs remained unanswered, for now.

           The manager of the restaurant, a short heavyset woman with dark ringlets, arrived on the scene. The incident was recounted again and Adam sunk lower in his seat.

           Harvey wondered if he should speak up, say something, apologize for his little joke. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Now was not the time. He’d tell Elaine at some point. But the whole family? Including Derek? Not a chance.

           “Is everything all right, Harvey?”

           Harvey flinched. He turned to his right. It was Derek of course, speaking in his smug way. He was looking down, pretending to focus on his New York steak as he sawed off another slice.

           “All things considered,” said Harvey with a half-smile.

           Derek nodded. “It must be difficult to see that. You can hardly blame the kids though.”

           “What do you mean?”

           “Your kids just aren’t used to eating at a place like this. So it’s no surprise they don’t know how to behave.” He popped a piece of steak into his mouth.

           “We go out to nice places,” Harvey said definitively, offering up no details. They had gone to a nice dinner at a golf course for Elaine’s birthday a couple months ago. But Derek didn’t deserve to know that.

           “Oh,” Derek replied. He continued with his meal.

           Harvey’s family had been humiliated twice in one night. He couldn’t allow this to stand.

           What could he do? Take those kids down a peg or two? Pierre and Alexi would probably have coffee with dessert. He could heap a few teaspoons of salt in their coffee, causing them to gag, and maybe even lose their dinner. He could put Tobey up to it; he was sitting right in between them.

           But it didn’t sit quite right with Harvey. No, leave the kids out of it. This was between him and Derek. It was time his younger brother was put in his place.

           Harvey scanned the room. Most people were almost done their dinner, though his grandma seemed to be working slowly on her stuffed grapevine leaves. He caught sight of the birthday gift table in the corner. His own family’s little blue gift bag was overshadowed by one massive white bag with a great big golden bow across it. Derek’s gift.

           It was going to be something spectacular, something to bring everyone else to shame. For their gift Harvey and Elaine had put together a photo album filled with moments from family get-togethers over years. Plus, a nice blue sweater and a large Toblerone bar. Grandma always loved Toblerone. But it was the photos that mattered more. Derek would probably laugh at the gift and think it was cheap. Well, he wouldn’t be laughing if something with his own gift went wrong.

           The birthday presents would be opened prior to dessert. There wasn’t much time. Harvey wolfed down the rest of his souvlaki and salad. He left the black olives on the plate.

           He excused himself to the washroom. On his way back, Harvey happened to pass by the gifts table and paused. He checked to see that nobody was looking. What was inside Derek’s large gift bag?

           Pretending to rearrange the gifts, Harvey leaned over the bag to get a better look. Something wrapped in tissue paper, probably another one of those cashmere scarves. And a book? Harvey tilted it back slightly for a view of the cover. Photographs of historical landmarks. Nothing special yet. But what this at the bottom? Something small.

           A jewelry case. What was it this time? Rubies? Diamonds? Harvey would need both hands to open it. He reached into the bottom of the bag and lifted it up.

           Pearl earrings. How thoughtful. Wouldn't it be a surprise if they went missing? Then there would be nothing to make Derek's gift very special after all. He would be embarrassed about not being able to show off. He’d probably have an argument with his wife about who forgot the earrings at home. And then Harvey could step in and say that it’s a mistake anybody could have made. After all, no family is perfect.

           Harvey pocketed the box of earrings. He’d find a way of getting them back to Derek later. He sat down again just as the last dinner plate was cleared away. The time to open the birthday presents had arrived. Alexi and Pierre volunteered to transport the gifts to where grandma was seated. They did it with such grace and coordination that Harvey suspected they had practiced.

           “Thank you so much, dears,” said grandma.

           Grandma got chocolates and slippers, and seeds for her garden. She got a new teapot and an assortment of English teas. She thanked everyone profusely, telling them they shouldn’t have gotten her anything and to save their money. Harvey couldn’t stop himself from looking sideways at Derek. He was grinning widely and exchanged a look with his wife Grace.

           Next was the gift from Harvey’s family. Grandma loved the Toblerone and the sweater. But when she saw the photo album she came close to tears.

           “It’s perfect. To have all of your beautiful faces with me.”

           The photo album was passed around the table.

           It got to Derek and he chuckled softly. “I doubt there are many photos of me, huh Harvey? You’re the firstborn; you got all the attention.”

           Harvey furrowed his brow. “What do you mean? There are plenty of pictures of you in there.”

           “You know what I mean, big brother. You were our parents’ first child, grandma’s first grandkid. It was only natural.”

           “What was natural? What are you talking about?”

           “No matter what I did, it was never enough. And it won’t be any different this time.”

           Harvey was speechless. What was his brother saying?

           Derek went on. “You know what I spent on grandma’s gift? Don’t answer that. You don’t want to know. But I know she’s not going to love it as much as this little album.”

           Derek handed the photo album to Harvey.

           “You win again, Harvey.”

           Harvey stammered, “I—That’s not—”

           Their grandmother had picked up the white gift bag with the large gold ribbon. Derek’s gift. A wave of guilt washed over Harvey. He had no idea what had been going through Derek’s head. But now it started to make sense. And that made Harvey’s little prank a bit unsavory all of a sudden.

           But what was he supposed to do now?

           “Excuse me, everyone!” said Harvey, rising to his feet. “Hold on a second, grandma. I just wanted to say, this photo album, it’s actually from Derek as well. Sort of a joint gift from two grandsons to their grandma. We wanted to make something special for you, so we did it together.”

           “Oh, thank you! Thank you, Harvey and Derek, that’s very lovely.”

           “And I can’t believe we forgot to sing happy birthday,” Harvey added.

           “Don’t we usually do that when the cake gets here?” said Elaine in a whisper.

           Harvey pretended not to hear her. He began the song with a slow, steady tempo.

           Everyone looked at each other with confused smiles, but they all joined in. Before the song was over Harvey quickly made his way around the table to his grandma. He put his arms around her, planted a kiss on her cheek, and casually dropped the jewelry box back into the white bag. It landed silently on the cashmere scarf.