Strangers again.

It's been a whole year since the last time I've spoken to or seen any of them. At one point we were all closer than your fingers when youre holding hands with someone. But that spring turned into summer and made it hard for us to bounce back. Everything took a turn for the worse. Let me take you on a trip to where it all started. The previous summer a group of 8 people had been put together and created a family by chance. All because two of them met on a dating app. They became close enough to each other to know every person in the group like they know themselves. Every free moment they had was spent together. For some reason they all just clicked, the universe had placed them right where they needed to be for a moment in time where they felt as though nothing could come between them. The adventures and trouble this group got into was something you'd find in a movie. It was the best time of our lives. But unfortunately life and the universe has a strange way of teaching you lessons. There's things in life you can only learn from the experiences and people the universe gives you. Unfortunate circumstances all brought us together again. Only this time there were only 7 of us left. The winter of the previous year caused a rift, all of our lives were changed. Myself and Axel had gone through a rough patch in our relationship and it really took a toll on us. The things that were said and the things that were done made us break up. Almost the entire friend group took Axel’s side and I was left to suffer in what felt like silence. I lost the people who at one point meant the world to me. The spring of the new year was something I felt like was the longest season of my life. I had my ups and downs, as anyone does, I said things I didn't mean to the people I had closest in my life at the time and I unfortunately caused an even bigger rift in the friend group. The only things I had left were pictures and memories of these people. I had come to terms with my losses, and felt that I was ready to move on, or so I thought. 

It was late May early June and there was something off I could feel in my bones. My intuition is normally never wrong about things. But I was hoping that this time it would be wrong about what I knew was coming. Even though the days were warm, bright and sunny, I was always cold, sad and gloomy. No matter how hard I tried to change my mood and distract myself from the pain, I knew someone I was close with or used to be close with was struggling and in an immense amount of pain. I didn't bother reaching out because I ‘didn't know’ which person it was. Deep down I really did know, I tried my damndest to avoid any and all emotions I was feeling. 

One day out of the blue I got a notification on my phone that read ‘car crash one dead’ My heart immediately dropped. Without even reading the whole article or seeing the car I knew exactly who it was. I couldn't move, my limbs felt as though they weighed a million pounds, my heart felt like someone took it out of my body and chucked it across the room and it shattered into a million pieces. I couldn’t breathe, every inhale felt like a knife was stabbing me in the lungs. I dropped my phone to the ground and soon after I dropped to the ground too. I blacked out from the pain and didn’t wake up until my aunt shook me awake

“Are you okay?” she asked frantically 

“Yeah I just had a really weird dream, it almost felt real, I had a dream that Axel died in a car crash” I replied slowly. 

“Isa, that wasn't a dream, I'm so sorry baby.” she replied remorsefully. 

All over again the pain came and I couldn’t breathe, I started sobbing and hyperventilating. My worst nightmare had come true, and all over again my heart was broken by Axel. I swear I didn't speak for almost three days, I didn't eat and I barely drank water. I was at a complete loss unsure what to do or say. I tried to reach out to the others in the group but reluctantly erased every message I typed out. The only person I could think about contacting was his mom, but I knew that would be a mistake so I had to deal with my emotions and the emotions of all of the people in the group too. I internalized everything and mostly kept to myself. A few weeks went by and I got a letter in the mail, it was from Axel's mom. I didn't want to read it, but a part of me told me to open it. It read as followed:

Dear Isa,

I know this is hard for you to believe but Axel has sadly passed away in a terrible car accident. I wanted you to know how much you changed his life and made me happy that you came into his life when you did. I believe he really did love you like no one else he ever dated prior to you. He was amazed by your beauty and grace. I would have texted you this but I remember Axel telling me how much you loved handwritten letters. So this is how I am going to tell you the truth about what he was going through. I know that he broke up with you to try and better himself. He was doing really well and had thoughts about getting back together with you but unfortunately his mental health took a turn for the worst when he found out that his childhood dog had passed when he wasn’t with them. 

I had to stop reading because my tears had made my vision too blurry, I wiped them away and kept reading 

He still had your pillow and slept with it every night, along with the sweatshirt you gave him. Your polaroids and scrunchies were still in his car even after all these months. I want you to know that he really loved you and he thought that someday down the road you would fulfill the future you guys always talked about. I am writing to you to invite you to his ceremony. I know your group of friends had a falling out but I was hoping that you would come and be cordial with them all for Axel. His service is this weekend please feel free to write a speech if you can because I feel that you knew him best. 

Much love always, 

Abigale

I had no idea what to do or say, the first thing I did was sobbed after reading that. I composed myself and sat down to write. For a moment I contemplated not going to the service. But ultimately I felt as though I would regret it if I didn't go. So I started writing a speech that in the end became a letter of all the things I wish I could have said to him before he left the three dimensional world. I sat and sobbed for hours as I wrote as much as I could while tears rolled down my face onto the paper. I fell asleep writing, and woke up with the pen still in my hand. 

As my time to go in drew near, I had so much anxiety. It had been a year since I last spoke to the familiar faces I saw walk into Axel’s house as I sat in my car on his street. I started crying a little bit as I saw Axel's little brother running up to my car. I put on a strong face and walked into his house with Isaac. I found Abigale and she gave me the biggest hug as I silently sobbed while she hugged me. All of the people I used to know like the back of my hand were sitting around the coffee table giving me strange looks. We sat down and ate Axel’s comfort food because that's all Abigale could cook at the time. In the dining room I stared at all the familiar strangers' faces. 

It was time for me to give my speech after Abigale thanked everyone for coming. I was visibly shaking. I looked up and saw Abigale giving me a smile and thumbs up through the tears. I began to speak:

“Thank you all for gathering here today, some of you knew Axel in a professional way, others of you knew him in a personal way. Nonetheless we're here to celebrate his life, Abigale has asked me to say a few words about him and his life.”

 I paused for a moment to take my folded up paper out to start reading:

 “Axel was an adventurous soul and a carefree person. I met him through mutual friends as we liked to say, but in reality I met him by chance. He matched with me on a dating app and well, he surprised me everyday with something new.” 

I smiled as I read that, trying to hold back my tears. 

“He was someone who took carpe diem very seriously, everyday with him was a new adventure-” 

I paused, crumbled up my paper, put it back in my pocket and started talking from the heart.

“Listen I know some of you thought you knew him better than I did, but this boy was really my everything at one point. He was someone I put my trust into and would trust him with my life- I did trust him with my life. He taught me so much about life that I didn't know, hell he even gave me the type of love you thought only existed in movies. I’m sorry, excuse my language. He taught me to love with no regrets and live your life out like there wasn't going to be a tomorrow. He gave me joy in the little things in life. The things most people would pass up and not think twice about. I remember the day we looked up at the stars and just talked for hours. He taught everyone something they will carry for their entire lives. He always saw the good in people and gave them the benefit of doubt. He always had cravings for late night drive thru tacos and would take me on drives just so I could see as many sunsets as possible. I loved him with everything I had. He always helped others even when he was struggling. That is something I always admired about him. If he had a bad day but knew I also had a bad day he would put his problems aside until we talked about mine. I want everyone here to know that without you I wouldn't be where I am today. You guys along with Axel shaped the person I am today. I just want to say a few more things and then I'll stop draining on. Axel Marcus, you were an epic love story and I'm glad I got to be a part of your life even if it was a brief time. Thank you to everyone here for coming and listening to my speech. I hope you guys have a good night. If you could all do me a favor and live how Axel did, love and live with no regrets, and always tell those you love the most that you love them.” 

I walked out of the room and into the bathroom. I sobbed and sat on the toilet. I heard a knock on the door. 

“Isa? Are you okay?” 

“What? Yeah i'm fine i just needed to blow my nose” 

It was Abigale, she opened the door and hugged me. I walked out and faced the familiar strangers again. They looked at me and thanked me for the kind words. Not one of them even hugged me or asked me how I was doing. It was just like I never knew them to begin with. So I left and went home, to change my clothes and go to bed. On the car ride home I thought about how strange it was that a year ago in that very house we had our first dinner as a “family” but now we're just strangers. Strangers who know each other a little too well...