The Lonesome New Year

Well, here I am again. New Year’s Eve. Another pointless holiday amongst other pointless holidays in a pointless life. Is it alright for me to say that this is my least favorite time of the year? Well, it is. It is a reminder that I am alone in the world and have to fend for myself. No family, no husband, just me. I sit in my apartment by myself watching everyone else’s happy faces scroll by on Facebook. They’ve gotten married. They have parents to return home to. They have a life. 

Me? No relationship has worked out. In fact, they’ve all been terrible. After I graduated high school I left home never to return. I made my own way in this world. My friends are pretty much all married, some with kids at this point. Who would want to spend a holiday with their pitiful, single friend when they could be with the ones they love? Not me! I’ll keep to myself so that they don’t feel obliged to awkwardly include me in something. 

I sigh and stare at my chipped nail polish whilst rubbing my purple fuzzy socks together. All of the thoughts pour in at this time of year and there’s no one around to push them away. My eyes lift up to the kitchen and spot a bottle of wine I got at work. Well, I may as well do something tonight. I rise from the couch and shuffle around it to get to the kitchen island. The bottle of wine is gleaming as if to say “open me”. I grab it and cross to the kitchen counter. After rummaging through a few drawers, I find the bottle opener. Pop! I feel a small, sad smile come onto my face. My hand instinctively reaches up for a wine glass from the cupboard to then have the wine poured into. My red salvation from a night of torments. 

I grab a bag of chips, shuffle back to the couch, and grab the fuzzy blanket to cover myself with. Plop, onto the sofa! Beautiful warmth and comfort. Now, what to watch. As I turn on the TV, the news appears on the screen. Of course, New Years celebrations happening all over. I quickly switch to Netflix to find something to watch. I scroll and I scroll and I scroll. Am I in the mood for something romantic? Maybe a comedy? Oh, I could watch that documentary on child abductions! You know what, I think I’ll wait. I don’t need something sad or serious right now. An action movie perhaps? Or should it be a TV show? I could always start The Office again. Wait, is it still on Netflix? Oh, good, it is. Maybe I should try something new. 

A century later, I decide on a romantic comedy. Is it a cliche that a single girl alone on New Years Eve is watching a romantic comedy? I sure hope not, but at this point I don’t care. I settle in to watch Murder Mystery. 

I raise my wine glass to my lips and, oh no, my glass is empty! My eyes roll in my head and regret not bringing the bottle to the couch with me. Netflix pauses, I can’t miss out on any of the exciting scenes in this exciting movie for my exciting evening. 

I shuffle back to the kitchen and grab the wine bottle. My eyes roam around the kitchen for a second, looking for something. I put my hand to my chin and ponder how I’ve had a salty snack, so I should have something sweet! Then it hits me, I have some Moose Tracks ice cream in the freezer! Brilliant idea, brain, this is exactly what I need to make this miserable night better! A giddy grin glides across my face and sparkles float into my eyes. I put the wine bottle down and prance to the freezer with my arms raised in the air. Prance, prance, twirl! Prance, prance, twirl! My body vibrates as I arrive at the refrigerator. 

As the freezer cracks open I sing, “Ice cream time! Ice cream time! Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream time!” repeatedly. I dance to the drawer to get the ice cream scoop, then I dance to another drawer to get a spoon, and then I dance to the cabinet to grab my favorite pink ice cream bowl. I dance to my gathering of supplies and pry the ice cream carton open. Hungry eyes view the ice cream, teeth glimmer as my lips widen to an even bigger smile. Beautiful mountains of chocolatey delight awaits my consumption. I scoop a heaping portion into my bowl to overflowing. I’m smiling more than I should be and giggle as I continue my song. 

I dance and twirl everything to its proper spot, singing all the way, grab my ice cream bowl, grab my wine bottle, and prance back to the couch. My body smooshes into the couch again as my face stretches thin with shiny teeth showing through before grabbing the remote to press play. I take a bite of ice cream. Pure joy. More wine. For a moment I am happy. This is the life. Who needs people when you have ice cream? 

I finish the ice cream. I finish the wine. I finish the movie. Now what? It’s 11pm. Should I stay up another hour just because it’s New Years? Should I get some sleep? I squeeze my bag of chips close to me and pick up my phone. I may as well check Facebook and see what’s going on in the world. I eat a chip. New Years food. I eat another chip. New Years family. I grab a handful of chips. Children getting to stay up for New Years for the first time. I stuff the handful of chips into my mouth. Cute couples pictures. I chew the mound of chips that I unceremoniously shoved into my mouth. Puppies galore! 

Swipe out of Facebook. No comfort or solace there. I eat more chips. Why does everyone else have their life put together and I’m just… existing? I reach for more chips, but the bag is empty. My body doesn’t move. I think of my comfortable bed, but I can’t get up. Ten minutes pass, then twenty, thirty, and finally midnight comes around. Cheers rise up from surrounding apartments and fireworks go off outside. I guess it’s good I didn’t go to sleep or I would have been woken. All of those happy couples, families, and friends enjoying their New Years. 

Tears fill my head, but no tears will come out. I only feel numbness. Blank eyes stare at the apartment around me. My mind leaves my apartment and enters into the vast hallways of my thoughts to get lost in every negative thing that I possibly could. Still no tears. Only numbness. Time goes by, people quiet down, I lay there still. 

I know I will lie here forever if I don’t do something. How do you act when your energy is at zero? Without thinking I close my eyes and fold my hands to pray. I pray for the New Year. I pray for courage to get out of my bubble. I pray to find friends to spend more time with. I pray for encouragement about the future. I pray for the energy to do what I need to do. I pray for a positive self image. I pray to not be lonely. Oh yes, God, I pray to not be lonely. Then it happens,  tears pour forth. I guess all I needed was to talk to someone. 

After the tears dry up, the energy to get up comes to me and, without thinking or hesitating, my body rises from the sofa. I put my dishes in the sink to be washed, hopefully, tomorrow. Off to my bedroom. I crawl under the covers, take my medicine, plug my phone in, and set the white noise. I say my nightly prayers and pray for the ability to sleep and shut my eyes. Thought after thought tries to pour through my head. None of them stick. Sweet dreams, New Year. Maybe next year I’ll be able to celebrate.