6:18pm

Content warning: suicidal thoughts.

And so it was that Thomas more or less wanted to kill himself. That is, he did want to die, but he was very non-committal about the act of doing it, that it would seem to most he wasn’t very interested in suicide at all. Some ideas had floated around in his mind, but no method seemed overly pleasant. He assumed that was the point – if it were pleasant, a great deal more people would be dead.

           Thomas haphazardly shuffled through the crowd of office workers mingling at the coffee shop outside the entrance to the station. He stepped onto the escalator, enveloped by a swarm of umbrellas, briefcases, and handbags. A man in a three-piece suit bumped into his shoulder as he rushed down the escalator, talking loudly on the phone as he went.

           “Look, I’ll be home soon. Just email it through and…”

           The voice trailed off. Thomas half wished someone would trip the man on the phone up as he went down the escalator. But he made it down to the station, and marched towards his platform. Thomas knew it was probably childish to wish that bad things would happen to people that merely bump his shoulder or talk too loudly on the phone, but that didn’t stop him being annoyed.

           The air in the platform was stagnant, with the smell of dust and oil cutting through it and attacking his nostrils. It was that distinctive smell that Thomas had come to realise every train station has. Something vaguely metallic always hung in the air, and he would have assumed it to be dangerous if it weren’t for the millions of people that travel through them every day, inhaling it in.

           How many times had he done this? How many times had he walked down to this exact station, at this exact time, to catch this exact train? It was hundreds, if not thousands. And how many hundreds, if not thousands, followed the exact same pattern as his? Would not catching this train be an act of rebellion, or was it merely fighting against the inevitable? Still, Thomas decided to walk past his usual platform.

           Thomas eventually stopped at platform 12, tucked away in a corner, with only a few people passing through. He stood just barely over the yellow line, feeling a slight sense of accomplishment for beginning the reckless abandonment of his own life. Only he didn’t move. For over an hour he stood in the same spot, not moving forward, but not moving back either. The station was now relatively quiet. A few people passed him by, but no one wanted to engage with a man who stood at a train station and didn’t catch a train. Even platform security didn’t approach him. This was likely because they didn’t even notice he was standing over the line.

           He stood catatonically still. For someone who wanted to die, he was incredibly anxious about death. Thomas assumed this was another thing that kept people alive. And it wasn’t just death that he was anxious about. Of course, the unknown of it all was a large cause of his anxiety, but it was also the not dying. What would happen if he somehow survived? He saw himself lying there with twisted and mangled limbs, bones jutting out every which way, and everyone on the platform staring on at the spectacle. Thomas wasn’t ready for all of that attention on him. He supposed the physical pain would be bad as well.

           ‘You’re not trying very hard to kill yourself, are you?’

           Thomas thought it was the voice in his head, but after some pondering decided the voice in his head was not that of a young woman. No, the voice was definitely coming from beside him.

           ‘Yes I am,’ he argued.

           In rebuttal, Thomas stepped closer to the tracks.

           From the corner of his eye, he saw a pair of scuffed boots step further than his.

           Thomas lifted his head up, turning to look at her.

           She didn’t look like her boots. Although, when Thomas thought about it, he realised most people don’t look like boots. She looked like a woman, with a plain black dress and fitted blazer, a large handbag, and her hair pulled tightly into a bun. But also, on second glance, she looked like a girl, with runs in her stockings, a face sprinkled with freckles, and those scuffed black boots.

           ‘You’re going to have to get closer. The train can’t exactly hit you from there.’

           ‘And you’re not going to try to talk me out of it?’

           ‘Do you want me to talk you out of it?’

           Thomas furrowed his brow.

           ‘Well, not really, I suppose…but it’s just what people do.’

           She took a step closer to the tracks, placing her handbag down onto the platform.

            ‘Sounds like an unnecessary courtesy to me,’ she muttered.

           Thomas scoffed, looking around as though he would find someone to share in his surprise. ‘Just what are you playing at?’

           ‘The world isn’t all about you. Maybe I’m trying to kill myself. Maybe I’m doing a better job of it than you are.’

           He was clearly being goaded, but her words didn’t overly bother him. He was used to being showed up, and he had assumed his death would be no different. Thomas smiled.

           ‘You’ll hold up the traffic.’

           ‘Well considering you’re so intent on killing yourself, I figured it would be more efficient going at the same time.’

           She took another step closer. Her boots were now teetering over the edge. Thomas started to feel his face getting hot.

           ‘Come on, you’re just being ridiculous,’ he muttered, reaching out to grab her shoulder.

           She shrugged him off. ‘Why? For doing what you’re doing? I just recognised a good idea when I saw one.’

           She began to lean forward over the tracks.

           ‘Well, it isn’t a good idea, it’s a rather bad one,’ he admitted. ‘Are you happy? Come away from there!’

           Thomas reached out to grab her, but before he could, she jumped down onto the tracks.

           ‘Come on, are we doing this, or not?’

           ‘No, we’re not “doing this”. What do you want me to say? Jesus Christ, come back up here.’

           ‘I thought you were going to kill yourself.’

           ‘Well, I’m not. Are you happy? I lied.’

           Thomas looked back to the security guard. He was asleep against the wall. Thomas rolled his eyes.

           The woman hopped over the tracks. ‘Hey, I found $20!’

           She bent down to pick it up. Thomas stared on helplessly.

           ‘You are acting like a child,’ he scolded.

           A train was scheduled to arrive in one minute.

           The woman stood up, tucking the money into the pocket of her blazer.

           ‘There is a train coming in less than a minute,’ he said sternly.

           She nodded. ‘You’d better hurry. You’ll miss the suicide.’

           ‘Just come away from there. Those tracks are live!’

           None of his words seemed to get through to her. In fact, he wasn’t even sure whether she’d heard him at all. Thomas wasn’t sure if it was his paranoia, but the sound of a train whirring seemed to be filling to platform. After a few seconds, it became clear it wasn’t his paranoia. The lights shone through the tunnel.

           After a slew of profanities, Thomas lowered himself carefully down onto the track. He yanked her arm and pulled her away from the centre of the track. Thomas lifted her up, and tossed her onto the platform. The sound of the train now blasting in his ears, Thomas jumped, his hands grabbing on to the ledge. He pulled himself up to his elbows, his arms trembling. The train was desperately trying to screech to a halt. As Thomas kicked his legs up and over the platform, he could feel a force that dragged him along the concrete. He shut his eyes tightly, bracing for impact. There was a whirring and screeching sound, a most unpleasant crunching sound, and then it was quiet. Thomas hesitantly opened his eyes. He was shocked to discover that he was lying on the platform, and all of his body was still in one piece. All that was missing was his left shoe.

           His suit was ripped, and he was covered in grime. As he caught his breath, he was inhaling the metal from the tracks, and the dust that was swirling from the train. Thomas looked at the world on tilt, watching as a sideways driver marched over, red in the face.

Thomas had no energy to respond. He closed his eyes. As he did, he heard the sound of crying.

           ‘I’m sorry sir. I fell off the platform. This man just saved my life.’

           Thomas frowned, opening his eyes again. He could see that the driver’s expression had immediately changed. He placed an arm on the woman’s shoulder.

           ‘Oh, dear. That must’ve been so terrifying. Are you alright? Is someone coming to get you?’

           ‘I’m fine too,’ Thomas muttered.

           The driver, ignoring Thomas, continued to pat the woman’s arm reassuringly.

           ‘I’m just glad you’re alright. You take care of yourself now, and be a bit more careful next time, okay?’

           The driver turned and walked back toward the train, relaying her message in a walkie-talkie. Two or three people got off the train, utterly bewildered, before it continued again. The woman’s tears immediately stopped. She looked completely unbothered by the events that had just unfolded.

           Thomas couldn’t help but be impressed with her. He slowly sat up.

           ‘Are you an actor or something?’ he said, followed by a fit of coughing.

           She ignored his remarks, straightening up her dress and picking up her handbag.

           ‘So, I was right. You don’t want to kill yourself.’

           ‘That’s what all of that was to prove?’ he exclaimed. ‘All you proved is that I’m more interested in saving the life of a stranger over my own! I hardly think that proves anything.’

           She shrugged. ‘Maybe you don’t want to live, but you don’t want to die. That’s a jolly good start, if you ask me.’

           He stared up at her in complete disbelief. ‘You can’t just go around jumping onto train tracks!’

           She smirked. ‘Well, I’m glad you have seen some sense’

           The woman began to walk away.

           ‘And where are you going?’ he called out in exasperation.

           ‘I’ve got a train to catch.’

           He watched until she disappeared around the corner. The platform security guard was still sleeping against the wall.

           Thomas grimaced. He decided it was a good day to walk home.