It all happened so fast

December 6, 1989

     So I guess this will be day one. Another first the wife has introduced me to. Hopefully i’m doing this right, but I never thought I would start a diary in my mid twenties, but here we are. School never really was my scene. This will eventually wind up in a scrapbook or time capsule, and apparently it’s going to be cool for the baby to look back on. Happy wife, happy life, right? My anxiety is through the roof. I’m going to be dad. Never thought I would live to see the day. My nerves from just packing these bags for the hospital have me nauseous. Does everyone feel like this before the final ride to the hospital?

December 7, 1989

     Marley has finally made it into this crazy world! All 6 pounds of her! Waiting in the room for the update on her mother, now. They have been trying to stabilize her for what feels like days, but the clock says it’s only been hours. The doctor said Marley is going to be ok, but I hope, if there is a God, he doesn’t make me raise this beautiful baby girl alone. 

January 1, 2007

     Why am I like this? Sitting in my apartment with this goddamn hospital bracelet on still. Thank God, if he even exists, Marley showed up when she did. How many times will she have to save me from this darkness? How many times will she have to come home to a lifeless body on the recliner with 911 on her recent call log constantly? Now it’s just me, this rope, and this chair. Doesn’t matter where I’m going, it only matters that I’m leaving for good this time. Resolutions are funny aren’t they? Motivation drowned little by little over the year while life and reality show you it doesn’t really matter. This is me. Might as well make the most of this resolution. If I can’t help myself, maybe I can just stop crashing through everyone’s life.

New Year, no me

Thanksgiving Day 2015!

     She actually came! My therapist said diving back into this diary would be beneficial, and what a great day to be welcomed by these old cream colored pages! So Marley agreed to have Thanksgiving with me this year. Between my therapist and my group meetings, I have been networking with some amazing people. I owe them all because never in a million years did I think Marley would be giving me a third chance at being in her life. And her and her husband just said they’re expecting a girl! Well the turkey is almost done and the 610 Stompers are about to be on TV for the Macy’s parade! Life can’t get much better!

April 10, 2020

   This is the last time I’ll get to flip through these memories while laying here. Dying. Trying to suppress the look on my face, but the regret creeps into my heart again, and all I can think is why wasn’t I better for her. How did she turn out so perfect? Her mother would be so proud. So beautiful. So seasoned by life and a fatherless void that I can never take back. What did I do to deserve you? 

    I watch the pain flood Marley’s glistening hazel eyes one last time. How do I still deserve your love, my baby girl? Her forehead is pressed so hard against the glass that her tears begin to form a waterfall. As she helplessly struggles to continue standing, observing on the outside of my virus isolation room...all I can think is:

I thought death would be so much further away.

April 12, 2020

    Wow. I finally stopped crying, and you find a way to wring these tears from my depleted and swollen eyes one more time. I guess I’ll pick this up for Johnnie’s sake, since she’ll only know her paw paw through these twisted and stained pages. You left more than half this thing empty, so wouldn’t want to give up on mom’s dream either. After all, I wouldn't want Johnnie thinking of you as just a borderline psych case. I can tell you tried, you know. These seemingly blank pages that separate your entries are littered with your small doodles. You wanted to. The idea was there. Shit, you even started. And then silence. That wall. Always that fucking wall. It never was that you didn’t have depth, dad. I always knew there was more inside then those glazed and intoxicated eyeballs of yours led me to believe. Behind every drooling slur and every bottle connecting angrily with the closest obstacle, I could see there was so much more you wanted to say. It wasn’t the Crown. Shit, if anything, the bottle was the only thing that got you to have any level of conversation. But even the bottle couldn’t help you over your own walls. I feel like these pages heard more from you than I did. I know she was your everything. The worst part of all of it was I have this indescribable connection with someone I never got to meet. She died when she brought me into this world, and you abandoned me right where she left me. I finally started unscrewing your rusted bolts last Thanksgiving. Progress. We finally started. And then silence. Seems like we have more in common than you imagined. I feel like this cloud will follow me too. How ironic.

April 10, 2028

    6 years sober, and guess what? Turns out you were right. Crazy runs in the family. Just like you, though, I have my purpose, and I’m just blessed to have this second chance. I just wish death was so much further away. 

    She is the only reason I continue in this crazy, new reality, which, honestly, I wish you were here to see. So much has changed in these eight years. They even turned that old graffitied cement skeleton of Lindy Boggs into some new Virus Research Center. But all these new beginnings in this vibrant new life seem so flavorless without you. I just want you to know it’s possible to create your own normal, and my heart breaks knowing you will never know this clarity. 

I love you,

Your Marley