Regrets and Dreams

There are inevitable accidents in life which, change something delicate deep down inside us everlastingly. It varies from person to person yet resembles in being not explicable but rather tangible and breathing only for the one who experienced it!

For me, it happened one outrageous, blue night.

As my co-worker had an accident and was hospitalized, I was snowed-under at the company and had to stay there for some hours more. After I left the office and walked for half an hour, at 1:30 am, I reached the car agency to take a taxi but, I had unfortunately left my wallet at the office; to make the matter worse, I hadn't learned my new credit card's number by heart so, I thought walking homewards was the best idea as it was a good opportunity for me to make up my missed exercise tasks that my personal couch advised me to do. 

I was jogging anxiously down a taper street, thinking about the time-consuming project that I had to turn in to my professor as soon as possible. The other half of my mind was engaged in my very own, not-so-successful relationship and the way I was supposed to cope with breaking so harsh or feeling too crushed about my gal leaving me for a piece of a jerk after eight damn years. The tax that was overdue was also hanging like a cursed pendulum from the top of my busy head, like always.

Occasionally, the loud and aggressive thunderstorm triggered my self-awareness and pushed me forcefully out of the endless train of my thoughts. The little drops of rain were slipping in my lapel just like fast tiny spiders sliding down from numerous moist cobwebs. I wished I had chosen my raincoat as my double-breasted peak-lapel grey jacket had nearly sucked all the water up and I was heavier and soaked to the skin!

The yellowish-orange street light poles on the edge of the path seemed to go achromatized little by little. The zestful and dynamic bright city had turned into a low-spirited, downhearted, despondent cemetery. A cemetery because, in my eyes, each night people are buried either by their exasperating, irritating regrets or their too hefty, elusive dreams. The houses with their angulation shapes looked as if they were all bending due to the grandeur of the rain.

My watch showed half-past two. I had immersed myself so much in walking and overthinking that I literally lost the track of time. Instantaneously, I felt somebody following my footsteps secretly in a very suspicious way. I didn't dare to turn around but, his vibe gave me the Heebie-Jeebies so badly that I broke out in a cold sweat!

I guess my fear of strangers stems from the deeply distressing and disturbing abuse that overwhelmed me as a child; Anyways, it's stick to me. I could tell from the sound of his lame walking that he couldn't be very young or even if he were, he might have some kind of walking problems. 

"Please young man ... "

He moaned out of the blue.

" wait just a moment!"

His weak voice sent a chill down my spine. I felt frozen in my shoes and couldn't move any further. 

"I'm starving!" He said submissively.

Despite his tone being in a very yielding way, it knocked my socks off as it crossed my mind monetarily that, the whole scene might have been a made-up trap to deceive me! I stopped cautiously.

" I have no money! "

I shouted with a rather shaking and threatening voice as I pulled out the inner cloths of my pockets and ensured that he had caught a glance of its emptiness. I kept walking rapidly without waiting for his predictable apology or insistence. I didn't detect his face nor did I catch sight of it.

It was raining cats and dogs and, by that time, the water level on the ground had reached my ankles and my socks were drenching. I checked my cellphone to make out the time but a text from my ex rubbed my attention:

"All you are worried about is you! I don't mind that you called me a cheater at Billi's party. One day you'll understand that this self-centered and isolated life which you have made for yourself, will turn counterproductive! See you that day! Ba bye!"

I suddenly felt too annoyed and upset, however, I didn't exactly know about whom! Her? Or myself? The thing she mentioned was either overly wrong or entirely precise. I didn't have any ideas which one it was though, I knew it couldn't be something in between in the light of the fact that it squashed a forgotten feeling at the bottom of my heart and pushed it upwards to my throat.

I was walking slower and my heart became calmer and cooler after the drizzling rain. I felt a bit safer when every other cloud stopped crying. I took out my cellphone again to check the time once more but I barely could read the numbers. I cleaned my glasses with a piece of rough tissue and read again: "3:00". I couldn't easily tell that the drops on my glasses were from the sky or from my eyes as I was still befuddled due to my crowd and chaotic brain. My uncle, Atash, sprang to my mind. The other day, he texted that he was coming to visit me soon and he was going to let me know the time however, I didn't receive any more messages from him. I thought he might have regretted and changed his plans as Mary, is always the first person whom he spends the night with when he travels to our city!

I felt a vibrate in my front pocket again. I guessed it might have been my ex or Atash though, it was just an advertisement. I took out a small cake from my inner big pocket and grabbed a bit. My house was just around the corner though, I was extremely exhausted to walk any faster. I threw the cake's plastic in the trash bin near the wall. I suddenly decided to take a shortcut to get home a bit sooner so, I walked through the narrow and zigzag alley.

It again started raining so fast. I had dizzy and all I could see was pitch black darkness. I turned on my cellphone flashlight but it turned off immediately as it ran out of charge. When I went near the wall, I again felt so stressed out and let an angry oath to myself. I could smell an unpleasant odor of the sewage over there. I looked up and the scene which was waiting for me scared the wits out of me. I couldn't believe my eyes! My fingers and nose went numb and my heart was beating so firm and swift that it could blurt out of my mouth any time.

I saw a robber with a thick black mask, holding a gun on a man's forehead and ordering him something. The other burglar held a knife threateningly near his neck but didn't hurt him. After he gave his money and watch to them, the robbers cruelly gave him a bunch of tablets and a bottle of water! the victim accepted without hesitation and passed out some minutes after taking them. No blood spilling or slashes no nothing!

I couldn't observe these things clearly. I was on pins and needles that I couldn't stand up anymore. I sat down and hid my head with my hands. The electric light pole was blinking all the time though, it completely turned dead as the rain poured heavily on it. I was somehow satisfied with this because it actually reduced the chances of them finding me. Some minutes later, a flash of lightning struck and the alley was brightened up. During that short moment, I saw the back of their car which was parked exactly in front of me. Another lighting struck in no time and I managed to catch a glance of their car tag. I lowered my head as I was too frightened they see me reading their car tag. Moreover, I really didn't want to get myself into any more troubles. I already had had enough of them in my life. A little later they jumped into their car and after I ensured that they had left, I ran out of the ally as fast as I could and went home. I could hardly breathe. I laid down on the kitchen floor with all of my wet and drenching clothes on then, fall asleep in next to no time. The next day I woke up at 11:00. I was late for work but couldn't even move one hand. My muscles and bones were hurting so badly. I called my boss and asked for a day off but he didn't approve of it. After I came out of the bathroom, I got dressed, took my other wallet, umbrella, and went out.

On the way, I was so happy that I wasn't in that poor person's shoes. If I had got out of the office sooner, I might have been stabbed instead of him. I could feel God protecting me kindly and I promised myself to be more grateful towards Him. That day was sunnier and brighter than ever in my life. I went into the car agency and took a taxi to work. There, I saw my boss who was wearing black and seemed sad. When he saw me, he gazed at me weirdly. He then took off his glasses, started crying, and hugged me. I had no clue what was going on. He then separated me from himself looking at my steady eyes kindly. His large tears rolled down his cheeks and stubble. I have never seen him in such a mood ever before.

" I didn't let the cops inform you sooner as ... as I knew you have heart problems ... I ... I thought it's easier to hear it from your closest friend, me!"

He said trembling clearly putting on his glasses again.

" Please go on, this uncertainty will kill me sooner!" I said.

" Apparently Marie's friend, You .. your dearest uncle came to surprise you last night but, before that, with unknown motivations, he committed suicide in an alley at the back of your ho ... "

I couldn't hear anything else anymore but only the fast, red heartbeats inside me. I was struck dumb and shut up by silence. I sat down shakingly and buried my wet eyes with exasperating, irritating regrets and hefty, elusive dreams of mine.