Ambivalence

Throughout their youth they were rudderless ships; bright sparks that had all the potential in the world but lacked the drive to conquer it. Or so they thought. Their parents would often complain that they did the bare minimum, but the bare minimum by their standards was more than enough to keep them ahead of his peers. They would constantly scream at the children for not working hard enough or missing out on key chances to elevate themselves above their classmates. The parents were so focused on the achievements of others that they failed to see the brilliance of their own children.

Their parents had been hard workers that toiled relentlessly to put their children in the situation they so easily took for granted. But that was nearly twenty years ago, and in a different country where opportunity was scarce. Now they looked back on their days of hard grafting and then to the effortless, struggle-free lives of their children, refusing to believe that they could make a comfortable living by coasting through life, never feeling the urge to outshine others around them.

Comfort in their children's adulthood was something the parents desperately desired. Not extreme wealth, but comfort. The family was by no means rich, but they were reasonably well-off and firmly lodged into the middle class.

But with this lifestyle brought the heavy refusal to indulge in risk. They did not want to risk losing years of hard work over a pipe dream, and actively discouraged the children from pursuing their true passions, latching onto any glimpse of interest in safe professions. They were not wealthy enough to fund them into their adult years when they failed at their improbable aspirations and so the children felt trapped, and guilty for having interests other than academics.

The two children were brothers, but blood and unrealistic ambition was where their similarities stopped. The younger of the two had secret dreams of becoming a musician; a singer and rapper that would fill stadiums and be recognised for his meaningful lyrics and memorable melodies. He began writing music as a method of escape from shouting and constant loathing between his parents, infecting his mind since he was a child. He was troubled, by both himself and some classmates at school. One of the reasons he had such a goal was to prove others wrong and show that he could become successful and respected. He would imagine performing in front of his fans, everyone screaming the words to his songs. However, from a young age he often contemplated suicide and struggled to find a purpose to live. The only thing keeping him from following through with his toxic thoughts was his brother. He thought nobody knew.

His older brother was an aspiring inventor and astronaut. Space fascinated him, as it does most people, but he was curious enough to seek answers to his impossible questions and could spend days cooped up in his study reading books from psychology to industrial machines. He also enjoyed performing experiments to prove random hypotheses that he had hypothesised half asleep in his bedroom. To him, knowledge was knowledge and anything and everything that seemed insignificant to the observer could prove potentially vital in the “grand scheme of things” as he would say. He never told anyone of these intentions and instead stated that he wanted to become an engineer that worked for a company when he was older. He was kind and caring and although never openly saying it, he was aware of how his younger brother was feeling and tried keeping him, if not cheerful, level-headed and grounded. He would go on to make his parents proud, attending Oxford university and going on to be a scientist that pushed the boundaries of science and delivered humanity to a new, incredible future. His life, was, in some senses, unfortunate. His discoveries were made as a young man, and immediately he was approached by callous businessmen. Older, sly people from merciless corporations took hold of him and his inspired ideas and used him to create his inventions before paying him off and leaving him to live his life peacefully in his isolated mansion. His name was never mentioned when crediting the creators of the “Slither Warp”, a large spacecraft that could create a wormhole and travel to the distant reaches of space. Instead, a man called Boa Connivance was recognised for the invention and rose to a global, God-like status.

The younger brother, however, suffered a different fate. He too would achieve great things, but in his eyes, he was always a failure. His music would take him far.

At just the age of sixteen, having been writing for music for only three years, his talent was recognised by a record label. A distinguished artist had stumbled across his music while searching for new talent in the industry. His compositions were first heard two years earlier, as he published his music on various sites anonymously. His lyrics became progressively more profane the more he hated his own life. After a few years of wallowing in grief and cursing others, he realised that his situation was caused by himself, and only he could change how he felt. He ignored himself. A part of him wanted to be sad and angry, rage being the fuel to be pumped into his aggressive songs. Subsequently, this grit and honesty became the reason his work was so widely known. Even on his death bed, he was amazed how he could have made a career out of such misery. That was the tragedy of his life. Others found enjoyment in his grief, while he was left feel it. He won many awards for his grief, while he was left to feel it. He would often receive letters from “fans”, some demanding that they visit him and some saying that his music saved them from suicide. The latter of these letters would resonate with him; he would cry and weep for hours on end. He could save the lives of others but not his own.

 Unbeknownst to the public eye, he fell into a deadly cycle of drinking and drugs. He had no children or wife, and now nothing was holding him back from slowly destroying himself. His parents were ashamed. His parents were ashamed that he had become a vulgar idol to so many people. They were disgusted by his “work”, irreverent noise that spurted from the desire to be popular and “cool”. The parents held racist homophobic views but were repelled by cursing, believing it showed a lack of intelligence. He and his brother had long since parted and had not spoken to each other in five years when he took his own life. A rope around his snapped neck and a wall painted with blood.

 “Are you happy now?”