Old resolutions and new Life

This year marks the end of an era. The era where I was struggling with the side effects of nicotine patch and the withdrawal symptoms, falling off a wagon and then trying back. The vicious cycle where I was a miserable chap desperate for a fix. At the start of the lockdown, I was terrified to my core, my determination will not help. In all these years, I was able to reduce the number but still not where I want to. My partner always helped me, encouraged me. My rock solid inspiration, unlike me, determined and above all had faith in me. I, on the other hand, am a negative person, jumping to conclusions and giving up easily. If it was not for him I would never be able to finish this with flying colors. Yes, I did it. Lockdown was like a blessing in disguise, cliché, indeed. At the start, I was irritated, everything inside me would snap. Nothing was giving me solace, and being confined in home was not helping. Every time I see my partner, I would curse myself on letting him down. He understood my dilemma and gave me freedom to choose. I would choose him a thousand times, in any life. This freedom empowered me, I chose me. I devised a strategy to distract me when I feel how-pathetic-I-am. It was not an easy road, a bumpy ride with obstacles and hurdles, like a hurdle race track. You never know what is thrown to you next, but you got to win this. You push yourself, and push harder, to win because losing is not an option. Whenever I feel like quitting, I will take a deep breath and remember the reason why I started this. Why? I made an entire vision board, cutting small pictures of victory all over my board that gives me strength. And now when I look back, I have come so far and won half of the race. It makes my heart swell with pride. I have done this. But then the bumpy road became more bumpy and the hurdle race track got more hurdles. I lost my job. I would agree, it was a shitty job, something I took up out of frustration. We all have one dream job, but till we land on this dream job we put up with an average job. And I lost the average job. The job paid my bills and paying bills always wins. We all want to live a life but there is always a reality check. Till October I had a strategy to overcome my fear and be on track. But this was an uncharted territory. This unseen change made my life unstable. I was scared but I was putting a brave face for the world. Emails flooded from the friends, family, and co-workers. Some were in the same ship as mine, unemployed and scared and some were happy, and thanking the lord, they still have a job. I do not want one more puff to make me happy. I am happy, I am content. All my daily morning motivation was failing. I was dreading the end of the month. My determination was slipping, hanging by the thread of hope. Days were spent controlling my urge to take a puff and nights were sleepless. Sleepless nights gave me headaches and more reason to give up or at least give in temporarily. My accountability partner realized I am itching to go back to the old days. Old ways were simple, no-brainer, and not so happy. Even though I was jobless, I was happy. Strange. I was in debt, with no foreseen future, I was still hoping that I would wake up from this nightmare and be back in my average job. But here I was sitting with our family on Thanksgiving and everyone was cheering me on. For a long time, I never felt this connected with my family. I was close to everyone and mostly my dad but always something held me back. When I am desperately trying to not go back to old-me, something hits me, like a hurricane. I always wanted to travel and be a travel photographer. I do not want to travel in these uncertain times and give my partner more fright. But I can take pictures. Sure. Next day I woke up early and left a note on the breakfast table for my partner. “Going fishing.” This serene ambience, the stillness of lake and the breathtaking life here, a bliss. I took pictures and some more pictures, could not help but smile. On the way back I realized beauty in a crying baby, an old couple sitting on the bench, a mailman running for delivery. I captured every moment and the beauty of this very moment, the beauty within. The average job never held a special place in my heart. But losing that job made me realize how less important it was. This is what I want to do. My life has taken a new turn. I am delighted and it is showing in my everyday life. I can sleep now peaceful, no snapping and no sarcasm. I started as a freelancer and published my pictures. To improve my rusting skills, I joined crash courses and online classes. My days which were nothing but a long drag of boredom were now filled with schedules and plans. I planned ahead for my classes. My morning ritual would be to go out and capture some more enticing moments, then come back and join classes to learn more. Evenings we would go out with friends and chill and nights filled with passion. This time, in a relationship, I am giving something to my partner, and not just my sorrow but myself, the whole me. I didn’t know the decision of me quitting smoking and taking life in my hands by following my passion would make me a better person. I kept delaying and postponing my plans and resolutions. I regret it now. The indecisiveness cost me wasting many years, wandering aimless. The vision I have for the coming years excites me. I am happy I quit smoking and I didn’t succumb to the adversity but rose.