Emilio's

I never thought that I could love a woman as much as I love a man, but here I am. I, Remi D. Jackson, am in love with my best friend; who just so happens to be a girl. The very thought creates simultaneous butterflies and a mountain of anxiety. What's the problem you ask? Well, where do I begin. I am a black 25 year old girl who has grown up in a family of devout Christians. Growing up belonging to these different communities have taught me that some people truly believe that loving someone of the same gender/sex as you is one of the worst things you could ever do.

My first memory of being bisexual began at age five. I was in kindergarten and I had been so lucky to have a girlfriend and boyfriend. I would innocently kiss them both in our cubbies and it was our little secret. Well, I was so excited I told my older sister, Rae, and she told my Mom. Not that I had a girlfriend and a boyfriend, just that I had a boyfriend and we had kissed. That day, Rae unknowingly taught me that liking a girl or having a girlfriend was not ok, and that was not something that we talked about. So I didn't.

Even when I got a little older and began understanding the sermons from Father John. Each Sunday, with sweat pouring down his face, his white robe sticking to his sweaty body; he would wave his towel and rant about how guys and girls like me should pray for deliverance or else be damned to hell. My pew would feel smaller with every word because it always felt like Father John was looking directly at me. Still, I never quite believed I had anything to be delivered from. I would ask myself, "didn't God make me this way?" "am I not perfect just the way I am?". So, I felt defective. I prayed and prayed but I was still attracted to girls. I never admitted it though and would vehemently lash out at anyone who joked that I did.

Well now here I am with my best friend Sasha, whom I have known since grade school and have been too afraid to tell her I am in love with her. Until today. Today, I have decided, is the day I will finally tell her how I feel and hope that she feels the same. Even if she does not, there's no way I can continue to keep this from her. Today is Thursday so we are meeting right after work for happy hour at Emilio's like we always do. We will slide into our favorite front booth with a great view of the skyline and just as we are finishing up and I offer to pick up the check; I'm going to tell her how I have always wanted to kiss her cherry colored lips. Wish me luck.

Rae makes it to Emilio's five minutes before I do and she texts me a reminder that the appetizer is one because I'm late, like usual. As I pull into the parking lot I begin taking deep breaths and spray a bit of lavender to help calm my nerves. Usually this works for me but today no amount of positive self-talk can prepare this bomb I'm about to drop on my best friend. If she does not feel the same are we mature enough to move forward and pretend like none of this ever happened? I close my eyes and take one last deep breath and just then I'm startled as someone is knocking on the window, it's Sasha.

"Are you coming?" I take a moment to admire her freshly twisted locs, her golden brown skin and signature red lipstick. Her words interrupt my admiration. "Remi, are you feeling ok?" "Huh why do you say that?", I ask. "Well usually you'd be working on your second tamale by now and instead I find you looking like you're taking a quick nap." "I'm ok, just a long day at work", I say as I get out the car and head to our booth.

Sasha slides in before me and I admire how her hair swings with her. "How was work?", I quickly say before Sasha can ask me any more probing questions. "It was ok, work is work, you know, but I did meet someone." "You, you did?" I manage to stammer out as my face begins to flush red hot with mixture of embarrassment and frustration. Today was the day, Sasha and I had both been single for three and six months, respectively, with no prospects in sight.

"I thought you swore off those dating apps?" I say trying to sound a little bit more cheerful. Sasha waves her hands in the air, ever the one for dramatics. "I did not meet this guy online, he's my new coworker." "Oh," I say flatly. "To be honest, I think this guy might actually be perfect, but not for me, for you." I almost choke on my Moscow mule and look at her incredulously. "For me?! I'm not on the market." "Oh come on Rem, it's been three months since you went on a date. What exactly is it you are looking for?" "You," I whisper speak.

"What'd you say?" Sasha asks rather nonchalantly in a way that lets me know she absolutely did not hear me. "I don't know. I was just thinking. Maybe what I've been searching for has been right in front of me all along." I let the last syllable linger and I look her right in the eyes as I say it because there is no turning back now. "Rem," she begins slowly and I can tell she is thinking pretty hard about her response. "Are you saying you like women?"

"I'm saying I like you, as more than a friend". "Wow, well this is, ummm, this is, " And I begin to get a little nervous but also relieved because I have waited years to tell her I feel this way. Initially I thought it was just a passing attraction. Sasha is very pretty, like has won beauty pageants pretty so who wouldn't be attracted to her? So I brushed it off and dated guys but whenever we inevitably broke up my thoughts would go back to Sasha.

Sasha still hasn't said anything else so I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and gather my thoughts. I look in the mirror, fix my hair, wash my hands and reapply my lip gloss. Proud of myself also a bit nervous. Sasha must not feel the same and so what does this mean for us now? I take another deep breath and head back to our booth. As I get closer my heart begins to sink, I don't see Sasha or her purse. There's cash and a note on the table with just two simple words "I'm sorry", and so am I. She's gone and so is our friendship too.