"Dead Petals Of A Sunflower"

TW: suicide

*******

She held up the flower with tempting hands and inhaled its fumes with rising anticipation. A sweet savoury smell poured into her nostrils pleasing every sense of self she could muster. She looked at the flower with hopeful eyes, gazed upon its white membrane like petals that danced around purple branch like stems protruding from the center and held it gently. The flower resonated within her hand, as if pleased to be there. She smiled solemnly, as she put back the flower on the ground. What was wondrous was the fact that among the debris of a brutal and cold winter, the “Leilani” remained unharmed-. It was a beautiful flower; unlike any she had ever seen and yet she wondered if she deserved its name.

She hiked deeper into the forest and sat by the river bank, looking back at the sparkling and glittering blue water flow by, each droplet racing as fast as her heart. The air surrounding the bank was warm and pleasant, (surprising for it was night) with the charming forest behind her. She listened to the tress rustle softly under the pale moonlight. Her hand caressed the soft grass she was sitting on, twitchy as she awaited his arrival.

*

The forest was gloomy. Several rays of the pale moon light stole through the cracks in the trees as he strode uphill towards the riverbank. For Julian, the moonlight did nothing to satiate the salient and eerie darkness of the forest. Tress rustled softly all around him and he listened to them like chants that insinuated his growing fear. He felt compelled to stand there, frozen in time and let the countless whispers of the darkness consume him. A soft but freezing breeze hit him like death sprawling its icy hands around him and he was prompted to move in to the river bank to find her sitting on the other side; waiting; waiting for him.

*

He’d finally arrived! She smiled at him and his dancing brown hair which she adored with a passion. He stood there on the other side with a baffled expression and she grinned at his usual forgetfulness. She prompted him to sit down on the other side as they rolled their head to each other to converse.

***

He felt his anger at his own incompetence. “Of course, she meant the other side of the bank, you idiot!” he thought punching himself. Regardless, he turned his eyes towards her, and his own pale green ones met her light, wistful blue. She sat there, a queen of beauty, with her dainty figure, her soft little hands that healed all bruises. Her lips that could cure diseases by touch and her smile that could destroy hearts with warmth. He looked at her for a whole minute taking in every inch of her sunflower-happy aura. She jabbed at his forgetfulness to which he retaliated with a smile; or at least he tried to smile.

She bit her lip in contempt. There was something bitter about his expression. Something hurtful in his half smile. With rising apprehension, she asked,

“Did you get the results?”

“Mhm. I did.,” he said this time managing a real smile. She noticed that familiar twist of his fingers. He was nervous.

“Well then...you passed?”she asked with hope, her heart throbbing with fear

“Yeah! Of-course I did!” he said still smiling.

She cried out in joy. They had both passed.

“What a relief!” she said smiling, taking her eyes off his hands and staring into his pale eyes.

He didn’t say anything. The smile on his face didn’t falter. Instead, he looked up-to the sky.

The bright moon almost blinded him as he looked into it. The night’s air seeped into him and he shifted in discomfort.

“What are you gonna do after college?” he asked.

“Well, I have a whole list of things but we’ll go over them when we cross that bridge. I want to hear how you’ve been. I haven’t talked to you in days!”

“Well, I’ve been doing the same to be honest. Nothing’s really changed,” he said

“Mom and Dad still fighting then?” she asked sadly

“Well yeah, they never seem to get enough of fighting, do they? I get sick of staying in so I walk here all the time. It calms me down," he said while wondering why today was different. Why the cathartic woods, water and earth did not satiate his need for clarity. Why was it all so unfeeling and blurry? Why was it all numb?

“You know what? Never-mind them, they’ll come around someday. You’re in college now. A completely new life!” she said brightly smiling.

He looked at her lolling his head sideways. Her smile was glazed with self-satisfaction and her eyes glistened. The words ‘new life’ echoed in his eardrums. She felt so far away; a scared thing. As if her touch would make him holy and cleansed; pure. As if his touch would make her unholy and contaminated; dirty. His hands twitched to edge and near towards her but something in the grass, maybe its roots, held it down.

“It’s like getting to start over again?” he asked her, “At least I won’t have to deal with Vincent and his gang of bullies. Not my family. Not anyone.”

She smiled broadly and nodded her head. If she could get him to think a little more positively then that’s all she needed.

“What about those amazing stories you’ve been writing?” she asked.  

He always loved talking about them and she always loved listening. 

“I’ve stalled them for now. My mind’s numb and I'm out of ideas. I’m kinda proud of some them, I guess. I’ve been reading a lot of Sherlock Holmes lately and the more I read and dig deep into each story, the more I see the philosophical tendencies seeped into the groundwork of Conan's every story. Connotations burned into its lexicon. And yet, only one catches my attention every- time,” he said babbling on more to himself than to her. Yet she listened intently. 

“The example of patient suffering is in itself a most valuable lesson to an impatient world,” he recited as if chanting a 400-year-old hymn as he smiled to himself.  

She loved looking at him like this and listening to the deepest parts of his hearts. She loved the pure him. She noticed the usual twirl of his cheekbones as the muscles raced to make the features smile. 

“It’s beautiful.” 

“But it’s a lie. 'A blissful exotic lie to satiate one’s dread momentarily.' At least that’s what I think.” 

She was taken aback but smiled nevertheless. That convicted passion about something so trivial is what she loved about him. 

“If suffering is to be the fruit of patience, then what is the point of it all? What purpose does it serve?” he said dismayed. 

“But maybe there is something else to gain?” she suggested. 

He laughed. “So far there has been nothing. The world isn’t a patient creature, my love. It’s a cunning devil. It makes you suffer slowly as you realize every inch of the pain you feel. Everything you feel and see, the world bends it to its roots to remind you of your despair. To suffer with patience, standing in hope of something that might never come or to choose the quick tunnel towards the bright light are not so different when they tether to the same end are they?” 

“But in choosing the patient suffering isn’t there more life to be lived and enjoy than the quick tunnel? Isn’t that what life is about? The purpose we seek to be fulfilled?”

For the first time he laughed out loud and gave her his most adoring smile. She returned the gesture.

“It depends on how worthful the lives are,” he said

“All life is worth it, ‘my love.'” she said smiling and getting up and gently brushing off the grass from her clothes. That smile had given her hope. “Well this was fun but its late now. I need to go or else I'll miss the party. Goodnight, Julian,”

He smiled, “Have fun and goodnight Lei.” She started to walk away but Julian called her once more. Just her name in a soft voice. “Lei, I love you. Please be happy. Forever.”

She smiled and said “As long as I’m yours” waved a kiss and strode off.

Julian squinted his eyes in shame as she walked away. He took his college rejection letter and tore it to shreds letting them flow through the river. The night’s darkness took a hold of him once more as the moon hid behind the clouds and the dark forest tress rustled softly chanting his name gloomily. Now looking back, he dreaded the moment he’d have to walk back through the darkness of the forest and pondered on whether he would make it out. His vision tunneled as he walked towards the dark forest in-front of him.

“All life is worth it”

The bitter melody of the sentence echoed in his head as his vision faded to black, into a void of darkness. If only they were true.

**********************************

Leilani stepped onto the staircase of the Winheld Manor. Her ears drowned in the momentarily gloom of the muffled party songs that would bloom only when the door was opened. For now, she was alone with the empty dark street behind her while the trees rustled to the melody of the songs. She was the last to arrive.

"Julian...” she whispered softly looking at her phone and wondering whether she should call him. Something about his smile was deceiving and she'd seen it way to many times to ignore such a thing. She opened her phone and was about to call when-

"LEI!” a voice erupted in-front of her. It was Josei, her best friend with a broad smile and a drink in her hands. Her hair was all dangled; she'd been enjoying her own party a little too much.

Lei put the phone in her pocket and gave Josei a warm smile.

"Why'd you dye your hair red?” Lei asked, her lips pursed.

A color of red burst across Josei's face as she realized how close how Lei was examining her. Josei pulled away, flushing harder than ever. Lei could not give up. She reached out to Josei's face, pulled it towards her own and said, ''Your cheeks looked better with the brown,'' making a sad face.

''Y-you don't like this?'' Josei asked, a little crestfallen.

''I like you, but i don't like the things you do for your boyfriend.'' Lei said.

Josei remained silent. Lei had always adored this sense of admitted defeat. It gave her that edge she needed to realize she hadn't said something hurtful. Mostly, she was used to hurting people by being so blunt, but Josei was different. She returned a smile to Lei.

"Big party," Lei commented in awe of the music and loud voices coming from inside, "This'll be hard to clean after" she finished concerned for Josei.

"Don't worry Dad's not gonne find out, I hired a cleaning team for the after party" Josei said beaming.

"Ah, sorry forgot you were rich," Lei laughed, "dumb of me."

"Low blow Leilani, come inside." she said laughing too.

The party was wild. Lei felt like that was the only way she could describe it and do it justice. Her elation at passing the entrance exams and college with Julian and her friends finally sank in. She smiled and laughed with the others as they danced around a pool, played games and talked about their lives and what they wanna do in college. Everyone was so happy and mellow, Lei sorely missed Julian and thought about how happy he'd be at the party.

His friends had already asked her where she was and how long he'd take to arrive and all she had been able to say to them was that he was running really late because he had work at home. She had conveyed his lie to them and couldnt do much if Julian himself felt too overwhelmed to attend.

"Hey! Lei! Gimme your fhone, we need to put it in the lockers so they dont get wet." Josei screamed, running upto her excitedly as she'd just got done giving Jonas, Julians best-friend, Julians number.

"WET?! I AM N O T SWIMMING!" Lei screamed back.

Josei made a mocking face, "Stop being a little baby about that, just cause you cant swi- ," 

"Yes, ill drown thats the problem, you figured it out genius," Lei interrupted

"Baby," Josei mocked, not relenting, "But, thats not why i want you to keep the fhone safe, we're playing water polo, water'll be waist height so you're as a safe as a fly in soup."

"Flies arent safe in so-" Lei started.

"Yeah, yeah whatever the expression is, come on," Josei said strolling away to the water pool.

Lei sighed softly. She couldnt deny the offer fearing to hurt Josei. Reluctantly, she put her phone in the lockers, stripped her coat and went towards the water pool.

She laughed, splashing water at her friends, smiling at each other idiocy as they continued their game. Her fhone rang endlessly but she didnt notice. She couldnt notice. 9 calls later, it went silent. Lei continued with her water polo, oblivious to everything.

**********************************

Lei called Julian's phone again and let it ring for five seconds before going into voicemail. He'd given her nine missed calls the night before! She kicked herself for ignoring them! She stared at the "I'm sorry," text for 5 minutes, before calling him again. "Did he think he was disturbing her?"she thought to herself, almost crying.

“Where are you?! I’m so worried! Today is the opening ceremony. You’re mom’s worried sick, please pick up!”

Julian had lied about the acceptance letter. Lied about his happiness and lied about being okay. All the time she had sat there with him, only a few feet apart she couldn’t recognize the hurt and the despair he must’ve felt. She had even ignored his calls because of the stupid party.

Lei tried to hold back her tears as she walked up the day lit forest with the morning sun blaring down on her. He came here to find his peace. She was sure he had done the same today.

Suddenly, she felt a hand on her back. It was a policeman who shoved her back out of an area that had been sealed by their crime scene tape. 

“Miss please-,” the policeman began, but all words and sounds were lost to Leilani. All emotions went numb and her heart skipped a beat, maybe two, in despair of the sight that befell her eyes. There Julian was dangling from a rope on a tree, his body pale, face contorted in fear and pain.

She dropped to her knees, silent tears running down her cheeks. Her screaming soul etched onto her heart as she grabbed her chest and hurt from being whipped by pain and despair. Hurt beyond measure. She struggled to draw breath.

“To suffer in patience, standing in hope or to choose the quick tunnel towards the bright light are not so different when they tether to the same end are they?”

The words echoed and banged around her head, repeating endlessly as she sat numb and overcome by emotion. The words repeated slowly, driving her insane as the pressure increased like khakis and she broke and let out a gut-wrenching scream that proved, that between patient suffering and a quick exit, there was all the difference in the world. 

A dead petal from a nearby sunflower flew with the wind and rested on Julian's decaying and cold forehead.

________________________

Writer's note: No TW// as i wanted the suicide to be ambiguous till the end so i hope ppl dont mind.First time submitting for me, hope the people that read will at least enjoy :).