Clarity

I knew it was a horrible idea the second I came up with it. Very, very stupid. That we were going to get in a whole lot of trouble.

But.

I needed stupid. I was angry. At my parents. And I couldn’t take it out on them directly. So I badgered Jem till he agreed. I wanted my parents to hurt; I wanted them to see that I was hurting and that it was their fault.

I’m lying on my bed in complete darkness - trying to get some sleep since I’m sure I won’t actually be sleeping tonight- when my phone lights up with a beep. Sighing, I grab it to see a text from Jem.

Should we be worried about vampires???

Rolling my eyes, I reply No and then Vampires don’t exist

After a pause, and even if they did, why would we run into vampires in a graveyard?

Cause they live there? He texts back.

Have you never read Twilight? I send the text, toss my phone aside and close my eyes.

I wake up to someone trying to break open the door. Rubbing my eyes, I sprint across the room to open it before it falls off its hinges. When I open the door, I see Jem standing there with a black cloak covering him from head to toe and a huge grin on his face. Well, I’m assuming it’s a grin. He stands there, not moving a muscle except, his right eye starts twitching and I’m annoyed at being awoken so abruptly and it looked like he wasn’t going to say anything, so I snap, “What??” His grin slides off his face (his eye’s still twitching though) and he says “It’s EIGHT”, emphasizing the T. Ah...I guess I’m a little late.  I interrupt him before he can start yelling at me. “Look I’m sorry but, just go wait with Cali and Iris and I’ll be down there before you can blink your eyes twice and I promise I’ll give you my stash of candy if we don't get our usual haul today!!!” I shut the door in his face before he can say a word and run to the bathroom.

I’m cleaned up and in my costume (which is a cloak exactly like Jem’s- except mine’s bottle green) in less than ten minutes, and I run down the stairs with a slightly bulging backpack over my shoulders. Jem is standing at the door with the kids. I punch him lightly on the shoulder and ask him, panting, “Ready?”

“FYI, I blinked 856 times by the time you got here” he says, his lips twitching, as we head out. “Be careful kids” my stepmom calls out from the porch. I don’t bother replying.

It’s around ten-thirty when we’re back at my house to drop off Cali after trick-or-treating (we actually got a pretty good haul and so Jem’s annoyed cause that means he’s not getting my hidden stash of candy)- since I’m having a sleepover at Jem’s (or, that’s what our parents think anyway) after which, we walk back to his house. Half an hour later, we’re in his room, fully dressed- bundled in jackets and scarves- the door closed, waiting for the rest of his family to go to sleep. Jem’s sprawled across the floor, his eyes closed, but I can barely sit still. I’m wide awake with excitement (or maybe because I slept throughout the entire evening) and I’m constantly checking my watch.

Half an hour later, I’m shaking Jem who’s fallen asleep. “Jem! Jem!!!” I hiss. He sits bolt upright, rubbing his eyes. “C’mon it’s eleven-thirty.” Nodding, he gets up, crosses the room and slides open the window. He climbs out and I follow him, careful not to make any noise, and slide the window back down. The night is chilly but I don’t really mind. Jem flashes a wide smile at me, and we make our way towards the town’s graveyard to do some damage and spend the night there, so we can get arrested. I couldn’t help but smile bitterly.

A few minutes later, we’re standing in front of the not-so-massive iron gates of the Grayville public cemetery. I scale the gate and land on my feet on the other side and Jem follows right after. I turn around and I’m about to go further in when he calls “Hey Halle?” I look over at him and feel immediately guilty because Jem looks slightly, no, scratch that, VERY nervous. I was the one who came up with this ridiculous idea and Jem only agreed cause he’s my best friend and he hates arguing with me and because he knows that if he hadn’t agreed I would have done something much, much more stupider. “Hey, it’ll be alright.” I say gently. “No vampires. Or zombies” I promise. He nods and takes my hand and clutches it tightly in his. Together, we make our way deeper into the graveyard.

Let me get this straight. The graveyard wasn’t pitch black, with twisted, gnarly trees and bats attacking us and graves every two feet, like they show us in the movies. There were regularly spaced lamp posts along both sides of the trail and there was a single, massive oak tree at the far end of the cemetery- it’s leaves ranging from a variety of shades- from green to yellow to orange and red. It was kind of beautiful, I guess. And there were flowers on the graves. Some fresh, some wilting. All of a sudden, the excitement I’ve been feeling till now went away. Like a flame being extinguished. I felt ashamed. Family, friends and, and, just, people rested in this graveyard. All these flowers were left here, by people who love them, miss them, respect them and regret not being there for them; who were sorry. And here I was, with a bag full of spray cans so I could disrespect every emotion those wilting flowers hold, disrespect the people resting here.

“Do you still want to do this Halle?” Jem asks softly, coming up behind me. I want to say yes, to whip out the cans and spray-paint all over the tombstones and stay here till someone finds me and reports me to the police. I want to see the look on my dad’s face then, to see that I’ve hurt him. I want him to yell at me, so I can yell back. So I can hurt him even more. Because he cheated on mom. Because he dragged me and Cali halfway across the country after marrying the bitch he cheated on mom with. Because mom abandoned us and never looked back. Sure, I want to yell at mom too, but it’s not like she’s around. She disappeared from our lives god-knows-how long ago and she never came back. And it hurts. So much, every single day. The only thing making it any better is Jem.

I turn my head to look at him, as he reaches out and wipes the tears on my face. I was crying? I touch my face, and sure enough, I was. He pulls me towards him and holds me tight. I put my own arms around him and we just stand there, hugging, not uttering a word while the tears flow from my eyes. I don’t know how long we stand like that, but eventually he whispers, “I know you’re hurting Lee. But vandalizing, getting yourself arrested is not going to make it go away. Nor is hurting your dad.”

I know Jem. I know.

But what will?

“We’ll go home, watch Grown Ups or someth-” “Friends!!” I interrupt through my tears. He smiles, “Ok, friends. We’ll watch friends till we fall asleep and when we wake up, we’ll go over to your house, and YOU are going to talk with your dad. Tell him how you’ve been feeling all this time, & tell him everything- without editing. Talk to him.” Now that I’m done crying and I feel better than I have in a while, I joke, “Can I call Lisa a bitch if I’m not going to ‘edit’?” He sighs, and together, we walk back towards the gate, arguing about how I should or should not ‘edit’ the whole way.

And I was relieved. No, I was happy, sort of.

I was… optimistic –that’s the word I’m looking for- about the future. All this time, I didn’t know how I was going to make the pain go away. I didn’t accept that hurting others because I was hurting wasn’t going to ease mine. I didn’t understand how bitter I’ve been until I was ready to do something truly terrible today. But now I know. Now I have clarity, and I understand.