The Morning Tooth Report

‘Hold it up to your face, say ‘Cheese’, and press the round button, Rhiannon.’

‘Cheeeeeese.’

‘Perfect. I’ll print this out at first break, and we’ll add it to the Galleria de la Toothless.’

The Morning Tooth Report was born out of necessity. Trust me. If I didn’t have to do it, I wouldn’t have. But not all of us have the luxury of a classroom environment free from the menace of all Teacher’s Aides, Wyatt Rhodes. 

Don’t get me wrong. His skills at working with young children- second to none. Performing the standard duties of a Teacher’s Aide- adequate. Dedication to the profession- questionable. But moral and ethical behaviour befitting of a school staff member, entrusted with a whole bunch of pride and joys- abysmal. 

Had I known what I was getting myself into, I wouldn’t have sent Rhiannon to The Menace yesterday to show off her wobbly tooth. I would have borne the brunt of her excitement on my own shoulders. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Alas, I, Miss Elle Adams, have a thing about teeth. Smiles are not the issue. Even grimaces, I can tolerate. But wobbly teeth, and those that have decided to detach themselves from their designated place in the gums, give me the creeps. Year Ones, of course, just happen to have the highest ratio of wobbly teeth, to students, of all the primary years. Just. My. Luck. 

‘Wow, Rhi. Look at it go! Hey, when it falls out, do you reckon I could have it?’

You can imagine my horror when I heard these words from the mouth of The Menace. My head snapped around from where I had been writing on the whiteboard and I fixed him with my best glare.   

‘No,’ said Rhiannon, with a shake of her head. 

‘Why not?’

‘I need it for the tooth fairy.’

‘Aw, go on. I’ve got a missing tooth, see?’ The Menace opened his mouth and showed Rhiannon the space on the bottom left side of his jaw. ‘Maybe if I have yours, I could take it to the dentist, and they could use it to fix mine. A tooth transplant, of sorts.’

Rhiannon, to her credit, is a smart girl. She looked at The Menace with confusion. ‘I don’t think so Mr Rhodes.’

‘Correct, Rhiannon,’ I interjected. ‘Mr Rhodes will not be having your tooth.’

‘Just think about it, Rhi. I’ll make it worth your while.’ 

The glint in his eyes as he said this sent a shiver down my spine. I shook my head and gave him a warning look. A seasoned veteran of ‘the warning look’ the effectiveness of thus is usually quite high. But all I got in return was a wink. Concerning.

‘What does that mean?’ asked Rhiannon, looking trustingly up at The Menace. I know I said she was smart, but I suppose six-year-olds can be forgiven for a lapse in judgement here and there.

‘It means, whatever you’re expecting from the tooth fairy, I’ll go one better.’

To my despair, Rhiannon’s face lit up. ‘Really? I usually get five dollars! Does that mean you’ll give me more than that?’

The Menace hesitated, before muttering, ‘Five bucks! Geez, that’s more than I earn in an hour here.’ He rubbed his hand across the dark stubble on his chin. ‘I’ll have a think on it, and we’ll talk again once you produce the goods.’

And that was how the Morning Tooth Report was born. I decided it was imperative that I keep on top of all wobbly teeth within my classroom, to keep a step ahead of The Menace, and his intended tooth heist. 

So, yesterday afternoon, I cleared a space on my classroom wall to serve as the Galleria de la Toothless, and here I am now, straight after the morning roll, facing my demons. 

‘Hands up if you have Tooth News to report.’

I call on Rhiannon. She stands at the front of the room and proudly holds up her left front tooth, which her mother has put in a small, clear container. ‘It came out this morning when I brushed. Mum said I could bring it for the Morning Tooth Report!’ she proudly proclaimed. 

I offer both my congratulations, and my own proclamation that I wished she had left it at home. 

‘I had to bring it, for Mr Rhodes.’

Exactly what I was afraid of.

‘About that,’ I say, addressing the students with the firmest, most authoritative voice I can muster. ‘What did we talk about class? Nobody, I repeat NOBODY, is to give their teeth to Mr Rhodes! No matter what empty promises he makes. Your parents would be very upset.’ And they will get me fired. You will need a new teacher then, and I’m sure none of you want that.   

Rhiannon pouts. ‘But he said-'

‘Never mind what he said, Rhiannon. Mr Rhodes is just playing with you. He isn’t going to go one better than the Tooth Fairy. You need to keep a hold of that tooth at all costs, and let the Fairy sort out your remuneration through the appropriate channels.’

Chester was next. ‘Chester, come on up. Tell us your Tooth News.’ 

He opens his mouth wide and puts his index finger on his bottom front right tooth, giving it a firm wobble. The students at the front crane their necks forward, and from the ‘Oohs’ and ‘Aahs’, I can tell there must be some substantial movement. My stomach turns at the thought of it.

‘Wonderful, Chester. You’ll be joining Rhiannon in the Gallery any day. Take a seat now.’

I glance up at the clock. 

‘Mr Rhodes will be here in a moment. Let me remind you once more- your teeth are your teeth. Rhiannon, don’t let Mr Rhodes see you smile, OK?’

Right on cue, the tall frame of The Menace comes through the door. A picture of villainy. Black, curly hair cut in a mohawk fade, tattoos the length of his muscular right forearm, and steely grey-blue eyes that wouldn’t be out of place on a morally grey shadow daddy. I digress.

‘Shhh, here his is.’ I zip my finger across my lips to silence the giggles that have broken out.

‘Morning 1A,’ The Menace says. From the way he looks around, I know he’s already on the scent. Of course he is. He is a formidable opponent.

‘To your desks now. Take out your whiteboards, and a whiteboard marker,’ I instruct, doing my best to feign normality, and ignoring the palpitations in my chest.

The Menace approaches, studying my face. I’m giving nothing away. Or at least, I think I’m not.

Next, he scans the faces of 1A. A sea of stifled giggles stretches out before him like a Mexican wave. His eyes travel past Rhiannon, and then quickly return to her, as she claps an incriminating hand to her mouth. 

‘Any news from the Morning Tooth Report, Miss Adams?’

‘How did you know about that?’ I ask, incredulously. 

‘People talk.’

Curse staffroom gossip. Don’t they have anything better to talk about?

‘Nobody smile! Stick together 1A. We will withstand this assault.’

The Menace makes his way along each aisle of students, scrutinising each face, and leaving a trail of giggles in his wake, until he comes to Rhiannon.

‘That tooth was pretty wobbly the other day, Rhi,’ he says.

Rhiannon nods and gives a muffled response from behind her hand.

‘Anything you’d like to tell me?’

As if in slow motion, Rhiannon lowers her hand, and flashes a gap-toothed smile at The Menace.

A wide grin spread across his face. ‘Congratulations.’ He leans his hands on the front of her desk, bringing his face down to her level. ‘Where’s the tooth?’ he asks, making her giggle nervously. 

‘Mr Rhodes!’ I warn. 

‘I-I-I… you can’t have it Mr Rhodes. I have to give it to the Tooth Fairy.’

The Menace isn’t ready to concede. ‘Five bucks, you reckon? What’s a Zooper Dooper worth to you?’

Oh, no. Rhiannon’s eyes light up.

‘Rhi, he’s ripping you off!’ I protest. ‘A Zooper Dooper is only one dollar. You can buy five of those with the money you’re expecting from the Fairy.’

‘Miss Adams, with all due respect,’ says The Menace, turning towards me, ‘Butt out.’

The insubordination! My mouth falls open in shock. 

‘Wy-,’ I clear my throat. I will not sink to his level. I will maintain my professionalism. ‘Mr Rhodes! You can’t say that to me.’

While I am still shaken from the blatant assault on my jurisdiction, Chester has been giving his wobbly tooth a thorough work out. I shouldn’t have let myself be distracted. 

‘Here, Mr Rhodes!’ he suddenly exclaims, turning around from the front row, holding his tooth aloft. ‘I’ll give you mine for a Zooper Dooper.’

The Menace’s face lights up. ‘Sweet! Thanks buddy,’ he says, moving quickly to Chester, before I can intervene.

‘Chester, no!’ I cry desperately. ‘It’s your first one! Your Mum will be upset.’

‘No, she won’t,’ says Chester, handing his tooth to The Menace, who looks as though the reality of accepting a child’s tooth with his bare hands has just sunk in. ‘My brother said the Tooth Fairy doesn’t come to him, so she won’t come to me either. I want the Zooper Dooper.’

A look crosses the face of The Menace, briefly, and though I can’t interpret it, I feel a sadness permeate me. 

‘I’ll sort you out after school, buddy,’ he says, and puts out his fist to Chester for a fist bump. He holds the tooth gingerly between two fingers, and walks to the back of the classroom, where I keep small plastic bags for just this purpose. He deposits the tooth in a bag and then slips it in his back pocket. 

This is totally inappropriate. I can’t let this happen. My cheeks are burning. There is no way of dressing this up. Keeping the teeth of student’s is just not acceptable. 

But I can’t do anything about it now. I have to get on with the lesson. I take a moment to compose myself, and then carry on with phonics until first break. 

As soon as the bell rings, it’s on. I watch as The Menace straightens desks and picks up pencils from the ground. I wait. I wait until he is at the back row. There is nothing between him and the back wall. 

I creep up on him, and when his back is turned, I pounce. Two hands on his back, and I push. He quickly turns around, just as his back meets the wall, and I pin him with one arm either side of him.

‘Give me that tooth, Wyatt,’ I say, through gritted teeth.

The Menace laughs. I’ve taken him by surprise. ‘Nah, can’t do that, sorry,’ he says. 

I see a flicker of doubt cross his face. He knows he can’t keep the tooth. But it seems he’s not willing to give in yet. 

‘You can’t take Chester’s tooth home! It’s the first one he’s lost. His mum might be upset. Some mums collect their children’s teeth, you know.’

‘What for?’ he asks.

‘I don’t know,’ I respond, testily. ‘Sentimental jewellery making, I suppose.’

A smile curves his lips. ‘Chester’s mum won’t,’ says The Menace. ‘You heard what he said.’

‘You don’t know that for sure. He’s her youngest. Perhaps she will care.’ I need a new argument. A way of making him see sense. ‘What did your mum do with your teeth?’ 

He tenses. His dark brows knit. ‘My mum didn’t care. And I didn’t believe in all that magic stuff. I knew it was all lies.’

I tilt my head slightly at him. But then I’m quickly recalled to the problem at hand. ‘I’m sorry to hear that, Wyatt. But regardless, you can’t take a student’s tooth in exchange for a Zooper Dooper. You. Just. Can’t.’

‘I’d like to co-operate,’ he says. ‘But I’m in too deep here.’ He shrugs. ‘What do I tell the kids?’

‘Tell them that you’ve had a change of heart,’ I say with exasperation. ‘You’ve realised the error of your ways, and you understand that stealing teeth is wrong.’

‘Can’t do that, sorry. And it’s not stealing. I’m paying, handsomely.’

I growl with frustration. He laughs. ‘Well, you leave me no choice.’  Before he can react, I reach around him, into his back pocket, and feel around for the tooth packet. I come up empty handed. Well, almost. But I digress.

The tooth. Yes, that’s right. I need the tooth. ‘Give me the tooth, or I will have to search the rest of your pockets.’ I reach for his front pockets with both hands, but he catches them in his own.

‘I can’t let you do that,’ he says, chuckling. He smiles infuriatingly at me. He keeps a loose grip on my wrists, and in a low, husky voice, he says, ‘Here I was, thinking it would be me who pinned you against a wall first.’

My arms relax. The fight has gone out of me. I’m conscious of my heart beating out of my chest. I take a step back, and tentatively ask, ‘Have you thought about doing that?’

While I’m disarmed, he lunges forwards and takes me by the hips, spinning me around, so that now my back is to the wall, and he puts his own hands either side of me, trapping me in place.

‘Only long enough to plan my escape,’ he says. That rogue! The fight in me returns.

‘Give me that tooth, Wyatt!’ I demand. 

The Menace looks at me, then at the doorway. I see him weighing up his options. ‘See you in court,’ he says, and with a push against the wall, he turns around, executing a perfect roll over the back row of desks, and then sprints from the door, adding in a goose step for good measure. He shuts the door firmly behind him.

I stand, breathlessly, against the wall. This is bad. The bell rings, and I have no choice but to force the problem to the back of my mind. 

At second break, I go in search of The Menace. He isn’t in the staffroom, but it’s here that I discover he has swapped a duty with an upper school teacher, and has positioned himself strategically on the back oval. I’m not going down there. I will enjoy an early forced retirement rather than walk to the back oval on my break. He knows that, of course. The menace. 

I go back to my classroom to stew on the problem there. 

By a quarter to three, I am sweating so much, I can’t focus at all. I put the class into an induced coma, otherwise known as ‘Sleeping Lions’. Then I sit at my desk and ponder what to do. 

Do I send a note home with Chester? What would it say? Should I say the tooth has been lost at school? But what if he tells his mum the truth? That the Teacher’s Aide took it in the hope of addressing his own dentistry concerns? I cringe. Just the thought of that tale making it home is enough to make me want to quit on the spot to avoid the repercussions.

I am so on edge that the knock on the door makes me jump. The students look up sleepily as The Menace comes through the door, Zooper Dooper in hand. Oh no. If he’s brought the Zooper Dooper, he’s not backing down. I put my head in my hands. 

‘Miss Adams,’ The Menace says, with a head nod. ‘Do you mind if I have a chat to the class?’

I look up. This isn’t what I was expecting. ‘That depends, Mr Rhodes,’ I say, narrowing my eyes. ‘What is it you intend to discuss?’

‘Dentistry.’

I sigh. ‘Go on.’ It couldn’t get much worse, could it?

The Menace pulls a chair up in front of the class, who are slowly regaining consciousness.

‘Chester, mate, come here,’ he says. Chester stands and moves to the front, next to The Menace.

‘At lunch time, I popped out to see my dentist. It turns out, sadly, he can’t fix my tooth with yours. It just won’t work.’

He looks so despondent about his fake dental dilemma that some of the students give a sympathetic, ‘Aww.’

‘So, here’s your tooth,’ he says, reaching into his back pocket and pulling the packet out and handing it to Chester. ‘You should give the Fairy a chance. It’s your first one. You never know. But in case she doesn’t show, here’s your Zooper Dooper.’

Chester’s eyes light up, and he flings his arms around The Menace’s neck, who gives him a gentle pat on the back and smiles. ‘Come and see me when you lose another one, mate. Now kids, since your teeth are no good to me anyway, you don’t have to worry any more. I won’t try to nick them.’

A few giggles resound, and The Menace stands up. He glances at me, and I give him a look that I hope he knows is filled with gratitude. Once I know I’m in the clear, he’ll get the other look I want to give him. The one that will chill him to the bone and make him regret he ever crossed Miss Elle Adams. 

‘But,’ he says. I stiffen. ‘The dentist did say that if I can get an adult’s tooth, the same bottom one as the one I need, the transplant surgery might just work.’ His eyes fall on me. ‘So, Miss Adams had better sleep with one eye open.’