Young love

I sat in my car for a moment. Looked at the letter again. Written quickly, on a simple page. Not on a card, not with sweet words. Simply critic instructions. I should have known. I should have guessed a long time ago, but this made it so obvious. There were so many signs… But you are oblivious when you want to be.

How did I not see this coming? It had always been coming. His months of avoiding me, his lies that just went on and on. So many lies. All those signs and I still saw none of it coming. My hands started shaking, trembling more and more on the stirring wheel until I was hitting it with everything I had. Breathe. Breathe. Deep breaths. Not the best time for self doubt and feeling idiotic. Visits were only until 5 pm, there was no time to waste.

I left my car, entered the grey building. What was I even going to say? ‘are you lost, lady?’ Asked an officer. I nodded: ‘I’ve come to visit one of the people detained here. George Stanton. It’s my first time here, I don’t exactly know…’ The man went behind a desc and looked it up on his computer. A part of me hoped that he wouldn’t find anything. But of course he did. Of course George was there. He led me to the visit room. The one you always see in movies, with glass separating the two of you, with phones on both sides to speak, with cameras in every corner.

I sat. George arrived. A new beard, an orange uniform, but there were his eyes. I recognized his eyes. I hated myself for having missed his eyes. We spoke in silences and empty words. While we did, I wasn’t completely there. My mind wanted to go back to another time. Back when things were simpler.

A few minutes later, I left. I drove away. Wish my mind could leave this place behind. I wish the past could stay in the past. I wish none of this had ever happened. But it did and that’s that. I started thinking back to a simpler time.

Things had never been simple between George and I. Is there ever such a thing as simple love? There were simple days, though. Times when there was nothing to worry about. Days spend in that forest right across from the street where his parents lived. He used to sneak out of his room. Sometimes he would jump out of his window to show off. His feet would ache, he always winced and pretended that it didn’t hurt. I made fun of him, because he was so bad at hiding things back then. I teased him, he would push me in the summer leaves. We would both laugh.

For a while, we had something nice. Irregular. Strange, at times. But there was something better there. Every time he kissed me in that forest, it felt special. Like we weren’t children anymore. Like this was real, more real than anything we had experienced before. We were in the present moment, together. We didn’t have any secrets from each other, we had it all.

That was a lie. I should have seen something in all of his absences. The moments when he went away. But then when we were together, it was like nothing else in the world mattered.

That’s how I let myself ignore everything that was wrong. Because in the present, the past and the future were meaningless. One day, he disappeared. Out of the blue, out of the everything. Out of my life. I never knew why. Guess I know now.

I remember following him, in that forest. Sometimes, I would stop walking and just stare at him. His figure being drawn by the sun that he faced and sheltered me from. Then he would turn away from the light and look back at me. I would stay still and stare. Maybe I should have stared more. There’s nothing left to stare at now.

I was a fool to think that there was nothing more to the picture than what I was determined to see. I was so obnoxious, convinced to be grown up, better than the past. The past still exists. I remember those moments too. The ones with him. He made mistakes, but so did I.

Those times I turned my back on him, pretending that I didn’t love him back. Because emotions are terrifying. People never believe in soul mates, until they find the one. Well he was the one for me. I pushed him away anyway. Too afraid of my own emotions. Do you know what happens, when you say no to everything that feels right in your life? Because I do. Maybe that’s when he changed. I saw nothing of it, but something must have shifted in him, back then.

There are so many times, when I should have known better. I should have realized. But every time, I remembered those days that we spent together in forest. I remember how he used to hold my hands in his. The rest of the world faded away. All that was left was his touch and his gaze. That’s all that ever mattered. How can you know better, when all that’s ever mattered is right in front of you? There are so many stories out there, of women who gave up their entire lives for a man. I never understood that, until him. I would have died a thousand times for him. I would have given up everything for him, because no one and nothing else made me as happy as he did. Until he didn’t anymore.

As time went on, things changed. I should have known what he would do, in all those moments that I tried to forget. In the violent ones. I always convinced myself that those moments weren’t him. He was sweet and loving. He had to be. I kept on thinking that he would go back to his old self and realize all the pain he had caused. He would see that I never left his side and he would love me even more because of it.

In a messed up way, I guess that’s what happened. He’s all mine now that he has a life sentence. No one else will ever take him away from me. Even if he leaves his cell one day, he will always have a criminal record and I’ll be the only person to get close to him. He knows that. Even if those darks moments weren’t him, they did not only happen with him and they will define him for the rest of his life.

I drive away. Of course he thinks that I’ll wait for him. Because I’ve always waited for him. Maybe this is it. Maybe he is simply a bad person now, who does bad things. What kills me is that I know, I will always know, that he was once good.

Those loving moments, when we got to know each other at first. That was him. Not pain. Love. A tortured past, just like mine. But he wasn’t going to end up in jail like his mother and I wasn’t going to grow regretful of the past like my father. We were going to be better and we were gonna do that together.

We had entire lives to dream on and man were we dreamers. Hopeful and with beautiful futures.

Now that it’s all over between him and I, all I feel is a small darkness in me for what was always meant to happen. But also a pinch in my heart, for a younger me who believed that this would never come to be. The child who had been told by him that she was loved for the very first time. The child, who was so convinced to be an adult already. The child who believed anything she was told, who believed him above all else.

My heart jumped and I wanted to yell when he said he loved me. I wanted to scream with joy. It was like the wreckage of the past meant nothing anymore, because he was all that mattered. But this felt special. Like this was the one, most important moment. Everything had finally come together. He and I had something unique and all the pain in my past didn’t matter anymore, because I had everything. I had him.

Then the moment went away. I wondered how all of this would end. Guess I have my answer now.