How to Un-Kill Your Husband

Welcome back, my faithful readers! It’s your favourite messy mama here to help all you beautiful babes create magic in the kitchen! It’s been a hot minute since I last updated this space, but it’s been quite the eventful summer. Now I know that a lot of you get frustrated by me droning on and on in these little anecdotes and want to skip right on over to the recipe, but I think they add a personal flair to each recipe.  

With that being said, let’s play a little catch-up! My daughter turned sixteen in June (I know, I can’t believe it either) or the lovely little creature spent the summer building houses with some charity group. Then I took the boys with me to visit my parents in Vancouver for a few weeks while the husband was stuck at home doing business.

Luckily for the hubby and I, though, my mother insisted that I leave early and let the boys enjoy a weekend alone with their grandparents. Of course, I’m not one to resist an offer like that, so I caught the first flight home and decided to surprise Hubby with my presence. I picked up a nice bottle of wine in the duty-free shop, and stopped by our favourite Chinese takeout place on the way home.

Unfortunately, he’d also decided to surprise me at the same time, and honestly, I’m not sure which one of us was more shocked when I walked in on him wrapped around some twenty-something with a tramp stamp. Am I just getting old, or was anyone else not aware that those had come back in style?

Anyway, back to the important part of the story. As it turns out, Hubby doesn’t subscribe to the belief that one shouldn’t mix business and pleasure – or at least, it certainly looked as though he was quite pleased with the “work” that he and his young coworker were doing on our king-sized bed.

Now, I’m sure you have an idea of what followed my unfortunate discovery. After all, if you’ve found this particular page, I imagine you must have searched some key words related to murdering husbands and the like. So, it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to anyone that I must admit that Hubby is no more, and it may have been my fault.

He has always had quite the advantage on me, being taller, stronger, and faster, but I don’t suppose he ever counted on me sneaking up behind him and delivering a fatal blow to the head. Call it a miscalculation on his part, if you will. On my side, it was perfectly calculated in the moment – though I can’t say I don’t regret doing it.

I suppose we should finally get on to the recipe portion, huh? Now, obviously there’s no way to bring someone you’ve killed back to life. Or if there is, I haven’t the faintest idea how to accomplish it. But if you read on, you can see some of my handy tips and tricks to get yourself out of a similarly sticky situation!

How to Un-Kill Your Husband

Ingredients:

·     One cheating scoundrel husband, freshly deceased

·     One scorned wife, heated to a boil

·     One mistress, aged approximately 22-25 years

·     One alibi (or more, to your liking), air-tight

·     One chocolate bar of your choosing (for snacking purposes)

Directions:

Now, there are a few different methods to getting yourself out of a situation like mine, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t outline as many different solutions as possible. For instance, let’s start with the situation in which you have already killed the husband and cannot possibly come back from that. There are a few different methods that have been tested by dozens of my loyal readers, so grab your favourite chocolate bar – trust me, you’ll need a sweet treat to deal with all the nonsense – and choose what works for you! 

Method One: Mistress Madness.

There are several different ways you can go about this method, depending on how you feel about said mistress. Maybe you’re in this thing together, or maybe you’re feeling a little extra murder-y and decide that the tramp deserves what she’s got coming to her. This is not a one-size-fits-all situation, so be sure to choose what fits you best!

1.    Blame the mistress: All it takes is a trail of breadcrumbs leading to the poor, pretty fool, and someone to corroborate your story. Make sure you and your accomplice are on the same page, or you’re screwed. This is probably the most foolproof option on this list, and it’s quite simple if you can secure yourself a solid alibi. I will warn that this plan is a lot easier to carry out if the person you’re blaming for your crimes wasn’t the sole witness to said crime. If you’re a little more careless (read: like me), then you may want to consider one of the other options below.

2.    Work together: Now, this method works best if the other woman isn’t desperately in love with the man you just brutalized in front of her. Honestly, the madder she is, the better this works out for you, so be sure to weaponize her pain. Remind her of how he promised he was getting divorced or that she was the only one in his life or whatever meaningless sweet nothings he may have filled her naïve head with. Disposing of a body and cleaning up the scene is so much easier when you’ve got a partner-in-crime, and the two of you can be each other’s alibis, so if you play your cards right, you might even walk out of this whole thing with a new best friend. Once you’ve rid yourselves of that dirty old cheat, you can laugh over a shared ex while day drinking!

3.    Kill the mistress. This is something that I’ll only recommend to the most desperate readers out there. Unless you’ve made peace with the idea of spending the rest of your life in prison, it’s going to be much easier for you to get away with taking care of one body, not two. But if she starts screaming for help or trying to call the police or worse, starts coming at you with a knife, then you may be out of options, and you’ll be left with the messiest method. With this method, you’re going to want to work fast to ensure that you get the job done, and don’t forget to really lock in that alibi! The best-case scenario is if you can somehow make it look like a whole murder-suicide thing going on, and then you can even call the cops yourself!

Method Two: Runaway Mama.

Now, this one is a little bit tricky because it involves cleaning up your trail and depending on how spotless you’re used to keeping your home, this could be a tricky one. If you’ve got a housekeeper, this method will only work if you’re willing to get them involved as well. In that case, skip on over to method three. But if that doesn’t apply to you, then please keep reading and see whether this works best for you.

1.    Clean, clean, clean! Now when I say you need to clean, I mean it. You can’t expect to just pick up a mop and wipe up the bloody floors and call it a day. I’m talking sanitize every last inch of that place until even the country’s leading forensics experts wouldn’t be able to trace the murder back to you. If it looks like anyone has lived or died in your home in the last decade, then you’ve done something wrong. And for the love of God, don’t forget to dispose of the murder weapon or else you’re just doing all that work for naught.

2.    Start all over. This one is really a last resort kind of thing for when you are pretty much screwed and would rather change your name and flee the country than rot away in prison at the expense of some no-good two-timing degenerate. And this is definitely one of those options that won’t always work for everyone. If you’ve got kids, for instance, you may not be particularly keen on the idea of leaving them behind permanently just to save your own butt. And of course, it’s far easier to make yourself disappear without having to also secure identities and passports for numerous children. And speaking of children...

3.    Involve the children. Now, I truly do not recommend this option, but I know that it may be appealing to some readers. Some of you may have grown adult children who are more than willing to commit or cover up a murder for their beloved mother. It’s certainly up to you as a parent, but this is the only time I’d say that involving the kids would work out well. After all, even if you’re not particularly fond of your child, I can’t imagine that a seven-year-old is especially proficient in crime scene cleanup. My youngest has just turned ten and it’s still a fight to get him to pick up after himself!

4.    Blame the children? Okay, this one is going a little too far, but I’m trying to include as many suggestions as I possibly can, and I’m sure this has worked for at least one person. Some kids are kind of creepy, aren’t they? I think we’ve all met a small child who you just look at and know that they probably ate their twin in utero or something. If you don’t feel too guilty blaming it on a creepy little kid, go ahead, but I’m not encouraging it!

 Method Three: A Little Help.

Obviously, this step only works if you’ve already got a housekeeper. Do not go and hire a housekeeper just to try and pin this whole thing on them because that’s too transparent and you’ll just make things worse for yourself. Now, what you choose to do in this scenario depends on how you feel about said housekeeper and whether you have a good – or any – relationship with them.

1.    Blame the housekeeper. I’d only recommend this if you’re A) comfortable with potentially sending an innocent person to jail and B) not particularly close to your housekeeper. Of course, I can’t tell you what to do, but I think it might be going a little too far to betray someone that you’re close to – unless, that is, the housekeeper was the mistress. In that case, betray away, babe!

2.    Use the housekeeper as your alibi. If you’re close enough that she might be willing to swear on her life that you couldn’t have killed your husband, ask your housekeeper to be your alibi. Make sure that she’s someone you can trust (I’d ask for some kind of collateral) and that she’s a good enough liar to keep up with whatever story you concoct.

3.    Work together. Just like in the case of the mistress alliance, two minds work better than one, so this is probably your best-case scenario to get away with murder. Maybe you can kill the husband together, or one of you can kill while the other disposes. Either way, we all get by better with help from our friends, so don’t be afraid to ask your loved ones to commit crimes with you!

 Method Four: The Smart Girl Move.

So, this step only applies if you’re here reading before you’ve gone and done something stupid. If you’re considering killing your lying, cheating husband, just turn around now and make better choices. Honestly, you’re probably way out of his league anyway and you’ll probably get custody of any kids you have, as well as custody of any of your shared friends, in the divorce, and you can probably get a pretty little chunk of change out of him too. So, this method really has only one step:

1.    Don’t do it! I’m serious. Some of us are dumb enough to have committed a crime of passion without thinking, but if you’re thinking far enough ahead to search something like this, just turn back now! I, and many other foolish women, are too far gone already, but you don’t have to go through all this nonsense. Ignore all the other steps, get yourself a good lawyer, and just cut your losses and run. Don’t waste your good years on that man!

And that’s that, my lovely readers. I hope that this was a helpful read for some of you, and as always, not every method works for everyone, so take everything with a grain of salt. Besides, I’m sure that at least a handful of you got to this page by searching up more information about my particular case, so you probably know that I most certainly didn’t get away with killing the hubby.

But hey, method two worked out pretty well for me. I’ve spent more time relaxing and drinking margaritas in the last few weeks on the run than I did in my party years. Sure, I’m pretty much cut off from my old life, but at least I still have this space to keep up with you lovely ladies – thanks to a little help from some friends who make sure I can get my stuff posted without giving myself away!

So, with that, I’ll be signing off for now, and I’ll be back whenever I can slip away again. The holidays are coming, and if you've been here for a while, you know just how much I love a good Christmas treat! But until then, I’m saying goodbye, and happy murdering!

XOXO,

Messy Mama