Submitted to: Contest #53

The Stranger in the dark

Written in response to: "Write about a few people spending a long-overdue weekend away at a cottage."

5 likes 3 comments

General

"Let's go Jessica, we don't have all year to wait for you" says Ryan. "This is going to the best vacation yet" says Dylan "Not if we wait for Jessica" says Ryan. "Shut up and leave Jessica alone babe" says Ashley. They were going to the valley-view cottage where lost of murders have been said to be, but they didn't believe that they actually happened. "We should rethink about going there" says Jessica. "And miss the best vacation yet no way!"Says Ryan. "Come on Jessica, it's going to be fun" Jessica thinks for a while and she finally says "Fine I'll come". And they drive away for their vacation. As, they drive away Ryan notices the car is low on gas. So, he has to find the closest gas station which is an old gas station that people barely go to. As, he fills the gas tank he feels a tug on his shirt he looks down to see a homeless man telling him "Do not go to valley view cottage." And everyone is terrified in the car. Ryan tells the man "Stop touching me and move" and they drive away. Two hours later, they finally arrive to their destination. As, they arrive they find the door open and they all run inside to find a man holding a knife towards them. He doesn't say anything he stabs Ashley in the leg and before he runs out. He says "I will be back for you all" Ashley falls to the ground crying. Ryan runs off to find the man but doesn't see him anywhere. Everyone drags Ashley to the couch and Jessica runs to find the first aid kit and she finds it and she is able to stitch Ashley's leg up and she doesn't have to go to the hospital anymore. While Ashley is resting they all go in a corner to talk about the man who was in the cottage. "Did anyone get a good look at his face" says Jessica. Everyone didn't get a good look at the man's face. "We should call the police before he comes back. "No, how are we going to call the cops without any clues" says Ryan. "You're right we can't call them without any clues" says Jessica. "Let's look around the Cottage to see if we find anything that helps." Says Dylan. "Everyone, split up and whistle if you find anything." Says Ryan. "I really hope we find something that helps find this man." Says Jessica and she walks off. "Someone needs to stay here with Ashley" says Dylan. "I will watch her and make sure he doesn't come back" says Ryan. Hours later, Jessica and Dylan come back with nothing but a frown on their face. "I'm going to sleep now" says Jessica. "Goodnight" says Ryan and Dylan. "Dude, we should take turns looking out just in case he comes back" says Dylan. "You're right, I'll look out first" says Ryan. "Ok, goodnight dude. As, Ryan is looking out he falls asleep. When everyone is sleeping Ashley wakes up and hears a noise outside. She gets up with her wounded leg and looks but no one is outside. She goes back inside but as she goes inside someone puts a black bag and yanks her and she screams. She is able to wake up Ryan and Ryan hurry to find her and he sees her getting kidnapped and he runs after her and as he is running, someone grabs him and put a bag over his head he fights and punches the person and the person knocks him out and drive away in a car. Jessica and Dylan finally wake up and they notice that Ryan and Ashley aren't there and the door is open. There was a note telling them where you go. They also called the cops and the cops question both of them about where they were and what they were doing and what was the last thing they remember. They both said "When they were come to the cottage there was this man holding a knife and he stabbed Ashley and that they were able to stitch Ashley's skin back and etc. They didn't tell the cops about the note they got. Afterwards, the cops advised them to go home but Jessica and Dylan had another plan on their mind. They were going to the location that was in the note. When they arrived in the location, there was a man holding up guns to the car. As they got out, the man grabbed them holding guns to their heads and they lead them into a room of darkness but only a desk and a chair facing a way no one can see. "You may leave" says the unknown voice to the man. He turns around, he is a handsome Italian Mafia leader. He says, "You finally arrived for your friends. Unfortunately, one of your friends was severely tortured because he didn't listen to us when we were being nice so I had my men beat him up. "You and your man are monsters" says Jessica crying. "Say that one more time and you are going to be tortured next" says Oscar. "I SAID YOU AND YOUR MEN ARE MONSTERS NOW TRY TO TORTURE ME". Screams Jessica. "A little feisty are we? Take her to the next room" says Oscar. As, they take Jessica to the other room. She punches each and every last one of them and runs back to slap Oscar on the face. "Now, try me again monster" she said. Oscar gets up and grasp her neck to the wall and says "You want me to torture you myself huh?Just know I'm not gentle" Dylan was ready to punch Oscar but Oscar says "take him to the next room and don't do anything". Jessica got shivers down her spine from what Oscar said. Oscar said "Since you are so feisty and cute I'm going to let your friends go but you have to stay here, and you tell them to call the cops but we are going to move to a different location where they can't find us". Jessica wants her friends to be able to be free and go back to their families so she says "Fine but promise they will be safe" she says. "I don't keep my promises baby girl." And he lets them go. and they run to get the cops but when they return no one is there. The police search for Jessica for 1 week but they don't find anything. They conclude she is dead but Jessica is actually with Oscar who is treating her like a Queen. THE END.. or is it?

Posted Aug 08, 2020
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5 likes 3 comments

Jonny Nance
21:37 Aug 12, 2020

Hey Cha,
Fun story! I have some suggestions that can help your writing:
One very important rule is to Show and not Tell. An example where you could improve is at the beginning, when you write that everyone is terrified in the car. Don't tell the audience that everyone is terrified, but show it. One way is to add details of the group being terrified, like if they were nervously looking around and sweating. It's better for the audience to conclude for themselves of what the characters are feeling, from the clues of how they're reacting to their situation.
Also, describe more! The characters are unknown, the reader doesn't know what they look like. Explain the setting of the cottage. Add details that hint at the hidden dangers of their destination. This will help to put the reader in the situation, sharing the suspense with your characters.
One more thing, there's a lot of talking. You don't have to write everything that everyone says. Try to limit dialogues and conversations to the important points, without too much filler conversation. It can be a little tricky to balance talking with action, but experiment with it, and you'll get better over time.
Keep writing!

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Cha A
01:04 Aug 16, 2020

Thank you so much for your suggestion!

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Cha A
01:02 Aug 08, 2020

Thank you for reading and Email me at queenorhope@gmail.com if you are interested and want some ideas to help write a story. God bless!

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