My feet hurt so much. We were supposed to be taking a short cut through the woods to get back to our apartment faster than taking the road. So far we have been walking for two hours (taking the road would have only taken one).
“Daisy, I don’t think we are going the right way,” I say.
“Just shut up I know where I’m going,” she says with a worried look on her face. I don’t say anything else. Daisy is very stubborn and I know the more I question her the more she will insist she knows where she is going. I don’t have anywhere else to be tonight so I might as well go along with her. An hour later Daisy abruptly stops walking.
“Jenna I think I’m lost,” Daisy says avoiding eye contact with me. She hates admitting that she’s wrong.
“I know hon,” I say.
“What are we going to do,” whines Daisy. “It’s getting dark, and I just want to go to bed,” she pouts. I look around. I also have no idea where we are. In front of us stretches the path that we have been following for over an hour. There is no end in sight. To the right of us is a smaller path. The smaller path seems to go in the direction of where our apartment building is.
“Let’s go this way, Dase,” I say starting off down the small path do our right. Daisy follows me.
“Are you sure this is the right way?” Daisy asks.
“I’m not sure but might as well try,” I say. We keep walking for around ten minutes when…
“Is that a house,” asks Daisy pointing at a small cottage.
“That’s weird,” I say. People don’t usually find cottages in the woods right next to cities.
“Let’s go see if there is someone who can help us get back to town,” says Daisy running up to the door. She never did have the best judgment.
“Daisy wait!” I yell. It’s too late she is already knocking on the door. I go up next to her. Muffled walking noises come from inside. A guy opens the door. Wow. he looks about our age and is really handsome. He is tall, like ‘6”4. His hair is blonde and cut short, and he is muscular but not overly muscular. He is smiling.
“Can I help you?” He asks good naturally.
“Actually you can,” says Daisy. She smiles and assumes her “flirting stance”. Classic Daisy. Before she can say anything else I butt in.
“We are hopelessly lost and need some help getting back to town,” I say. “Could you help us?”
“Of course,” he says. “But could you guys do something for me first?”
“Sure,” says daisy, continuing to try to flirt. I try to tell Daisy that she is crazy with my eyes.
“What exactly do you want us to do?” I ask worried what Daisy was getting us into.
“Oh it’s not much I just need to get all of my stuff packed up in an hour and I haven’t even been able to start my day has been so hectic,” he says. That doesn’t sound so bad.
“Okay then let’s get going,” I say walking inside past the guy. A stack of folded moving boxes is on the floor. Besides that, there is absolutely no sign that whoever lives here is moving. Now I am worried that we might not be able to do this in an hour. I get to work right away by unfolding one of the boxes and putting things inside.
“So what’s your name?” asks Daisy. She came inside and is now standing by the guy not even attempting to do any work.
“Nick,” he says, that great smile never leaving his face.
“Do you have any newspaper?” I ask.
“No,” he says. “Do we need it?”
“Well not necessarily, do you have towels?” I ask.
“Yes, I’ll show you where they are,” he says walking down a hallway. I point at the boxes and mouth to Daisy, “get to work,” she throws up her arms and sighs. “Fine” she mouths and starts to put things into the box. We work very hard and tape up the last box just as a moving truck pulls up on the road (which was behind the house aways, and just visible through the trees. We help Nick lug boxes to the truck.
“Okay then,” says Nick as he puts the last box on the truck. “My truck is right over here, I can drive you into town,”
“Oh right, thanks,” I say.
“I should be the one thanking you, I wouldn’t have been able to get everything packed up without you,” he says.
“It was no problem,” says Daisy still trying to flirt. She just won’t give up. The truck had three seats all smooshed together. Daisy practically fights me to sit next to Nick. It only takes us around ten minutes to get back into town.
“Where should I drop you off?” Nick asks.
“Oh, you can just drop us off here,” I say.
“But we aren’t even that close,” says Daisy. “Our apartment building is 501 Maine Street,”
I shoot daggers at Daisy and try to say. “Why would you give our address to a guy we barely know”. We get to our apartment building. I have to practically drag Daisy out of the truck.
“Thank you so much for the ride,” I say. We make up to our apartment around ten. Daisy sits down on the couch and turns on the T.V.
“I thought you were so tired,” I say grabbing some leftover pizza.
“Well I’m not anymore,” she says.
“I wonder if he’ll call me?” says Daisy dreamily.
“Who?” I ask as I sit next to her.
“Nick,” she says.
“You gave him your number?” I ask shocked.
“Yes I did,” she says. “I really like him, and I think he likes me too,”
“You are actually insane,” I say, “and completely boy crazy,”
“Hey I’m not boy crazy,” she says offended. “Well, maybe I am a bit,”
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This is a beautiful story. Very lighthearted and civil. I like the idea of strangers helping each other. I like your use of dialogue. It keeps the story moving forward without the reader missing anything. I also like your main character, it's always nice to have a lead with a good head on their shoulders. I would have loved to know a little more about their time in the cottage. Perhaps more drama would have been written into that one hour they had and a little more background to Nick like Crystal suggested. Some sentences need punctuati...
thank you for feedback and ideas. I now see that my punctuation and spelling is truly horrendous. I will keep what you said in mind the next time I write a story.
This certainly was an interesting story, but I feel you could have made it even better by adding a bit more. I want to know who Nick really was, was it really his house he was packing up or was he maybe a robber who used the girls to help him steal someone else's stuff? Is he a stalker? Is he someone who is undercover? There is a huge amount of potential in this story! I'd love to see it expanded on.
Thanks for the feedback. I see where information is lacking in my story. I was trying to keep it pretty short, but I will keep this in mind for the next time.
Ah alright. Makes sense to keep it short. For what you wrote tho it was still pretty good coz it definitely kept me reading. :)