Dear Luke

You stopped answering my calls. That was when I should have realised. I thought you’d stopped caring, or that you’d gotten so busy in your new town, that you had no place for you best friend. If only I had known.

It was the texts that often went unanswered for days at a time. And even when you did reply, it was monosyllabic answers at best. I won't pretend it didn't hurt. But it all makes so much sense, looking back now.

Every time I had tried to meet up with you, there was another thing in the way. Even when you had a new exhibit, you were too afraid of being a burden. I guess you didn't want me to see the truth. I was alway the one who knew you best, too used to picking you up after another beating to fall for your mask. I can't imagine what you looked like in the end. I should have tried harder. I should have known what would happened.

I had always known what your parents were like. Mediocre grades had never been enough to please them, even with the hard work you put in. They never appreciated your talents, not even when you landed one of the most prestigious art scholarships in the state. They didn't care that you were good at singing. They never care that you could play guitar. The dyslexia was always an excuse to them. You weren’t the A* kid who was good at football and still made home before 9. I've never hated them more than that gig we did in senior year, when they didn't turn up, didn't even acknowledge the money we raised, all the people we were doing it to help. They just scolded you for being late back and screamed at you about 'all these drugs' you must have been doing or 'those girls' you must have been with. Even when you had that exhibit in the town hall, the one for graduation, they never showed. I went with you then. I never told you that it was a date. Your parents would only hate you more if you told them about us. 

Truth is, I never cared that you weren’t A* material. All those times I helped you study or snuck you out for practice, it didn’t matter that you weren’t perfect to them, because you were perfect for me.

They say they should’ve noticed you were struggling. Yeah right, like they cared that much in the first place. They were the ones who pushed you. They were the ones who upped and moved you halfway across the state. It was your parents who told you that you were a disappointment. I wish I had been there to give them a piece of my mind. Your sister is upset, but I guess she never cared much either. She told me you were being distant, but she thought you needed space. Funny, you’d thought someone who’d known you all your life would know you a bit better than that. I met your new friends today, and they seemed nice enough. They said they knew you were struggling; how hard your parents were pushing you. I really don’t want to blame them; I reckon they blame themselves enough already. But at the same time, if my friend was struggling, I know I would have tried everything to help them. I just couldn’t live with myself knowing that I didn’t notice the signs.

I can’t live with myself now, knowing that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most.

Why didn’t you tell me, Luke, that you were struggling? I thought that we were brothers. I should have told you the truth the day you left. You weren't just my brother, no, you were the love of my life, my best guy. I told my family, and you were right. My parents had known all along. All they asked was why I hadn’t told you sooner. They said they've taken you in if they knew. God I wish you'd know, wish we'd know that. But it was always us against the world, huh Buddy?

And now I'm the fool, stood here all alone. You should be here too. Why didn't you just say something. Or maybe you tried to and I never looked hard enough for the signs. God, how could I have been so stupid as to have thought you were ignoring me when you were suffering. I can’t believe I’m standing here now wondering if I’m the reason you’re gone. You always said I thought to hard, but now it’s the what ifs that get me. What if I’d gone with you? What if I’d come and seen you more? What if we’d actually stood up to your parents? What if I had asked you to come and stay with me? God, what if I had just manned the hell up and told you? Why didn’t I just tell you I love you?

I guess I looked like a fool. I was still messaging you. Your parents told me it was my fault. I messaged you just before you... you know. I remember that message. I really poured my heart out in that message. I missed you so much. I was so close to telling you how I really felt, but I'm glad they didn't realise. I only hope you got my message, cause where ever you are now, I need you to know how much you meant to me. I need you to know how much you're loved.

And now I’m the fool, left here on my own. I don’t know what to do without you Luke, I don’t know if I could ever be the same again. I guess for now I just have to keep smiling, ‘cause I know they will never understand.

Goodbye, my love. I know I will see you again one day.

Until then, I hope you are happier now,

Artie.

P.s I found it. The notes you left for me. It’s beautiful Lukie, just like you. I will treasure it forever and always. 

Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m glad for that.