What You Don't See

NOTE: This was a quick write, just a jot down of my thoughts about bi-polar disorder. I know that some of us struggle with it, and it may not be accurate. Again, this is just a jot down of my thoughts about what it could be like.

And to everyone who struggles with bi-polar disorder? We’re here for you. There is nothing wrong with you.

All of you are amazing xxx

“I can't, with you Orlando!” You yelled at me. I looked at her, confused.

“Why are you yelling at me? I just forgot to take out the laundry!” I yelled back, angry. I started to ball up my hands, not liking where this was going. I knew what was going to happen next if I didn't cool it.

“EXACTLY!” You screamed. “YOU FORGOT TO TAKE OUT THE LAUNDRY!”

“I didn't do anything wrong.” I lowered my voice, dangerously close to punching right through the drywall.

“You always screw up! Your a fucking disapoinment!” You screamed again, picking up a vase and throwing it at me. It shattered, shards of it digging through my sweatpants and into my leg. I flinched in pain.

I didn't know this a couple months ago. 

Anastaise Cloutier.

The name was unfamiliar in my mouth. I didn’t like the feeling of saying your name.

But you were gorgeous…

The long, thick, reddish brown curls you flipped when you smiled at me after telling your name…those green gems that were your eyes…

You didn't know.

You would be mine.

“My name is French,” you said, looking down as we walked through the park. I had seen you on that bench, all alone. 

No one as pretty as you should be alone.

“I don’t know what the origin of my name is. Orlando is a weird name,” I laughed, making fun of my own name.

I could have never predicted what was going to happen.

Jump to three months and your in my bed. My arms around you…it was all I had wanted since I met you.

You turned and kissed my cheek, facing me.

“What time is it?” You asked.

“Almost nine in the morning.” I said. 

Your eyes widened and you got up, quickly running to the kitchen.

“What are you doing Anastaise?” I asked, watching you open a cabinet and grab a bottle of pills. Maybe it was birth control?

You took the pills and looked at me, shocked that I had seen that.

“What were those for?” I asked, leaning against the door frame.

You smiled and ran back to me. “Does it matter?”

Then you jumped into my arms.

A couple weeks later, you went to the club with your friends.

You came back, grinning.

“ORLANDO!” you exclaimed, throwing your stuff onto the floor. You were a little tipsy, I could tell.”

But that didn't stop you.

“You wanna go swimming?” you asked quickly. I raised an eyebrow. 

“It’s December and it's snowing outside Anastaise. I don't want to.”

“Well then,” you shoved me against a wall. “Better get to work.”

I didn't want to do this. I really didn't want to. I wanted you to be aware of what you were doing.

You wouldn't stop.

You went to work, and I went to the cabinet.

I still hadn’t found out what those pills were. I had never cared. But I was so curious.

You had been acting super different lately. One day you were super low, and the next, you had so much energy.

I opened the cabinet and grabbed the pills.

I read the label. I have been caught in the web of a lie.

You were bi-polar.

You kept it from me.

How could you?

“Orlando!” You yelled as I was leaving the house. Permanently. “Don't leave!”

“You kept it from me!”

“What else was I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, maybe tell me?”

“Orlando,” Your voice started to break. “We go together or we don't go down at all.”

I turned to look back at her. She looked so small and breakable right now.

I set my bags down and sigh.

“We go together or we don’t go down at all.” I said back.

Then I kissed you.